Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 2

Torry_Quine

Faerie thanks for your words of wisdom. I hope that you manage to move things on with your health needs.

codemonkey

Hello Team WaS. I have been asleep all day. Got home from work last night (having logged 4 bounts activities yay) and got hit by massive unbearable face pain. Ended up taking all the painkillers I possibly could and going to bed, where Mr CP and DA dog joined me, mainly to make sure I didn't do anything daft (the problem with pain like that is that its instinctive to take more and more painkillers to make it go away and it never does). Eventually found some amitriptyline left over from when I was first diagnosed, which I stopped taking as it made me a zombie, so took some of that to block the nerve pain. Mr CP made me call in sick today which I hate - am already way over my trigger point and I don't want to let people down. Also it's my aunt's funeral tomorrow.

Torry, you may join me in the childless corner. I have mostly come to terms with it, but every now and then something happens which makes me sad again. It's a really difficult thing to come to terms with because having a baby is a natural progression for most people so they ask all the time and its not like you can avoid other people and their children. It's probably for the best in my situation because on nights like last night, I'd never be able to cope with a toddler and I'm not a baby person - I'd rather people brought puppies and kittens into work than babies. If they must bring kids in, I'd rather they waited until they are toddlers and at least interesting. :rotfl:

Faerie - hope your MP is able to help. I don't know enough about how trusts in England operate to be of any help but I hope you find some help soon.

Birdie - how can baby bird be 2 already?

Ono - I never get out for work either aside from the odd jaunt for training courses, and usually I get sent to the city where I went to uni for those.

Still in pain and feeling fuzzy so apologies to those I've missed.

Torry_Quine

code thanks. I know that even if i'd had children my health would have made it very difficult to look after them but that's me being practical and not emotional. Hope the pain settles.

codemonkey

Torry_Quine wrote: »

code thanks. I know that even if i'd had children my health would have made it very difficult to look after them but that's me being practical and not emotional. Hope the pain settles.

Yeah., the emotions will get you every time.

tea_lover

I'm gonna join you two in childfree corner. I've brought tight leather trousers and tequila... although to be honest would rather have a cup of tea and a nice cardigan.

Waves_and_Smiles

I'll join the child-free corner, too. It is hard, I am dreading menopause because I know I will become really upset even though that's silly. I decided children would be a very bad idea after my first psychotic break, I have far too many potentially hereditary physical and mental illness for me to feel it would be fair to have a child. I also have my mother's immune disorder which resulted in her having 7 miscarriages and a stillborn before me so the chances are I couldn't carry to term anyway. Plus I am in no fit state to look after a child, after my childhood I swore I wouldn't put my child through anything similar to what I went through. Which is all very sensible and logical, so why do I still cry?

tea_lover

WaS, for similar reasons I can write a list of 30 reasons I should never even speak to FOH again but still cry every day.

We just don't operate on logic! xx

faerielight

I think it's a natural yearning, we, as women inerrently have. I noticed that once I hit 30, I was pining for a child. It's so hard, I know, not being able to make a family. It's definitely a child sized hole in my life, but I know that, with my disabilites, plus my mental health, it would have been pretty hard going. Even if you can rationalise like you, Waves, it still hurts, I know. It's like other forms of grief, it doesn't not hurt, but you learn to live along side it. Safe hugs to you Tory and you waves.

Tea Lover, I went to another hospital, I've seen a couple of surgeons who refused to operate., one NHS, one private. I think my surgeon puts the fear of god into me, telling me it's not safe, but as I said, it's a hell of a lot less safe to leave me to deteriorate every time.
I have a fantastic MP who always takes me case up. She has met with the chief exec of the hospital in double figures now, as I've had 8 surgery cancellations, and an 18 month wait last time when it's meant to be 18 weeks max.
I sent the email today, she has already replied, but they just fob her off with a load of hit air, and I guess there's nothing she can do, untill they make real changes.. 2 years ago,m the hospital promissed her they were getting one or 2 more surgeons and 2 whole extra operating days, to operate on the constant stream of emergency cancer patients, to free up my surgeon to do the complex difficult surgeries, but it never materialised. I am determined to get a face to face meeting with my MP, my friend and the chief exec and head of abdominal surgeries and I want to hear specific actioning. The constant adrenaline of being permanently in fight and fight,PTSD brained out, propels me on to fight. But it so exhausting fighting all the time, it definitely has a cost to my quality of life.

To be honest, I feel utter despair at the state of my life! I've got my proverbial head in my hands witnessing the mess my life is in . I need a miracle, I really do.

Torry_Quine

WAS That makes perfect sense. When I reached the menopause it was hard just knowing that any small chance was totally gone. Now I've had people asking if I have grandchildren! Even my father one year on father's day said it was sad that we wouldn't have children to celebrate with.

Sorry, I appear to have managed to send things off in a different direction.

Waves_and_Smiles

Ugh, I am so sorry Faerie. I still think that you desperately need an advocate because I worry how ill all of this might make you. You are so strong but everyone has their limits and you have been pushed to extremes. Have a hug.

It's ok Torry! Practically any conversation here is fine! I am so sorry that your father said that. I really wanted a child in my mid 20's and told myself it was ridiculous to even contemplate it and then was relatively ok with my decision until I was 35 when I had a time is running out panic and wondered if I should just try. Now I know menopause won't be long I find myself desperately wishing again. As you say tea, I am not logical about this at all. I know I have always made the correct decision for myself and any child I may have had, but it doesn't stop me wishing things could have been different. I may have been a messed up mother in a lot of ways but I would have made a very loving and fun one, too. I think it will always hurt a little for the what-could-have-beens.