Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 2

mellymoo74

Now thinking not got the job cos not heard

Definitely time to turn the brain off

charliewocka

Got referral letter for psychiatrist and appointment is on 23rd. Went out for a 40 minute brisk walk in the sun during lunch so feeling reasonably positive. Finished up the last part of my old job yesterday and feels like such a relief has been lifted. Exhausted now and looking forward to the weekend - bathroom being done and we've said we'll do one long day of it on Saturday to get it out of the way, and then go for a long walk with the dogs on Sunday.


Vets appointment today with the cat - hopefully she'll be given the all clear to come and sleep on the bed with us at night. Now that the pain of the op has subsided (9 days) she is getting quite vocal at having to be in her crate for 23 hours a day!

charliewocka

mellymoo74 wrote: »

Now thinking not got the job cos not heard

Definitely time to turn the brain off

Or look at it another way - the candidates are all of a very high calibre and it's really tough trying to select the best one. That's a positive thing I would say. I know in my company if you don't' succeed in an interview they are very quick to let you know, but you can be waiting ages to hear the positive.

tea_lover

This seems like it should be a penguin, but I’m not surewhy. Maybe just shame. I seriously need to get a diary!
Penguin
I really, really want to speak to FOH L. I just don’t know if I can wait until Sunday when I might possibly see police baby (response rate has seriously gown downhill lately, and nothing’s been confirmed so chances are it won’t happen anyway).

I saw FOH in passing this morning (chance – we ended up opposite each other at some traffic lights for a moment). He kind of half-waved, and I did some weird facial expression that was meant to portray “I’m sorry things have come to this, I don’t think we can ever be together, but maybe one day we could talk,but I don’t know how things stand with the police at the moment, I miss you, and I hope you’re feeling better” – but it’s hard to get that on one face with only a couple of seconds to play with.

The realisation that he only thinks he loves me because he’sill has hit me hard the last week or so. I’ve spent the best part of a decade waiting for declarations of undying love; it’s a tough blow to fragile self esteem to know I’m only hearing them now because of a symptom of mental ill-health.

With ongoing medication and counselling he’ll continue tofeel better, and I want that, so much. He’s been depressed for years. He self-sabotages – as if he can’t believe anyone would be stupid enough to care about him so he’ll punish them for it. I’mso, so glad he’s speaking to someone at last, and I hope it helps. But I also know that as he works through this and slays his demons he’ll move away from me for good - and I don’t want to let go.

I’ve been so angry at him, for so long. I’ve blamed him for everything that went wrong in my life and that was unfair. He behaved terribly at times, but I refused to admit that I ever did anything less than perfectly. We’ve treated each other appallingly over the last few years. I wouldn’t dream of behaving that way with anyone else. Yet still I’m somehow surprised that my seemingly endless anger failed to bring out the best in him.... as if I could shout my way to getting things how I wanted.

We are both terrible at communication – both too scared of appearing weak and vulnerable to ever be honest, both expecting others to be mind readers. He finally opens up and I couldn’t possibly have thrown it back with more force. I was far more concerned about being right, about having the supposed moral high ground than about what was actually being said, or the wellbeing of someone I was supposed to care about.
End Penguin.

calleyw

Tea,

Have a massive hug. You are grieving for what could have been.

Take care


Yours

Calley

mellymoo74

Tea of course your grieving feelings aren't a tap you can't turn them off.
Xxxx

codemonkey

Tea Penguin reply
Poor you. This is very confusing for you. Have you thought that maybe you've done him a favour because without all this, he probably wouldn't have gone for help in the first place.

I know that you still care about him and feel bad that the situation has gotten this far but remember that he scared you. He followed you in his car and stalked you. He's still contacting you despite being warned off multiple times. This tells me that he's not nearly recovered yet, and I suspect any contact from you at this time may derail any progress he is making in therapy. For this reason, please hold off until you've spoken with police baby on Sunday. It's only 3 days away.

As for the relationship stuff, nobody is perfect and everyone behaves badly at one time or another and there is no point wondering if you did things differently if he would have reacted differently. I think it's ok to admit that as much as you loved him, you weren't the right fit and that your styles of communication were wrong for each other. Now you're both free to find someone you have more in common with. He just needs some time to work through these issues and you being a bit...mercurial* about contact isn't going to do anyone any favours.

Obviously, it's your life and you know him better than any of us, so if having read this, you think I'm talking rubbish, please feel free to ignore me.

Also try to stop blaming yourself for his problems. It's not helpful for you and not your fault.


* for want of a better word.
end penguin

codemonkey

Also, I suspect the nasty letter from his mother has gotten under your skin and made you believe that it's all your fault and you're a horrible person. Well, it isn't and you aren't.

Izadora

Tea, there's absolutely no shame in how you're feeling right now.

Penguin reply I've only been reading this thread since he was already FOH, rather than OH, so have probably only seen a fraction of the issues you've raised here but it still seems to me that even if you'd behaved absolutely perfectly (not that anyone actually can or should) it would still have arrived at this point.

The fact that you could've behaved better doesn't absolve him of responsibility for any of the ways in which he treated you badly, just as the fact that he's unwell doesn't mean that his current behaviour is acceptable.

It's totally understandable that you still care about him and you want to help him but 'fixing' him isn't your responsibility.

Maybe, in time and when he's sorted himself out enough that he can respect your wishes for space, there will come a point where have a civil conversation with each other but I don't think it's possible right now and contacting him could cause both of you unnecessary anguish.

Of course you've got to do what you think is best but I do think it's worth holding off contacting him, at least until you've spoken to police baby. /Penguin

Wellyboots6

Tea , I think maybe try and work out what it is you'd want to say to him, and then what you realistically think his response would be, and ideally what his response would be. You know him best to be able to have a good guess at how he would respond. If the two match up then maybe talk to police baby and see if he agrees it is a good idea. If there is a big difference between how you think he would respond and how you want him to respond then maybe it is best to leave well alone.

Also, like code said, if he is making progress in therapy then you need to be very careful you don't rock the boat there. He wont thank you for it in the long run.

It took me a long time to realise it, but sometimes two people can love each other to the ends of the earth, but they just do not work together in a relationship. Then somebody will come along that you aren't sure at all about, but it works brilliantly. Don't try and force something to work if it just won't. A relationship should complement what you both already are, not required a big change from either of you.

You'll get there with it all, one way or another