Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 2

codemonkey

tea - I understand that you don't want to press charges and feel bad about all this because he's ill and you loved him and probably still do a bit, but he's still bothering you so it's difficult. If only he'd taken the caution. I think in your position I'd ask police baby for his advice on the next steps and maybe call the stalking helpline for advice too. You can't be the first person going through this who has been upset and in two minds about taking legal action. Also, if you do drop the charges and he stops with the counseling and the meds, what then? You definitely need advice on this one I think. And you haven't turned your back on him. You broke up with him because your relationship was broken and he was unwilling to help fix it. You can't help him because all he is seeing is that he has to get you back regardless of what you want. He is fixated on you in an unhealthy way and that's not your fault and not something you can fix so please don't feel bad about that - this is one for the professionals and its going to take way more than a couple of weeks to fix. So erm, in amongst my ramblings, I think I suggested asking police baby for advice and speaking to someone at the stalking helpline too.

Ono and tea - i don't do Valentine's day either. I think it's more important to do little things through the whole year rather than a rubbish card and overpriced flowers once a year. I think it's ok if you do want to celebrate it, but I don't think you have to if you're not bothered.

Georgie thank you so much for your kind words. I also feel guilty because I am so grateful that it's my aunt lying there and not my mum and I know that's not a nice thing to think and it still could be my mum or dad at some stage or one of my siblings and what if I'm still no use then? Massive hugs for what you went through.

Charlie - definitely tell your manager. They can't help if they don't know and they might be able to put some measures in place to help like giving you a quiet place to go if it all gets too much. I work with a guy with MH problems who is very open about it and it does mean that he can disappear for a few minutes or sit meditating at his desk or go home if it's just too much. You'd tell them if you broke your leg.

tea_lover

Charlie - Mind have some good info about starting the conversation with your employer. Have a look at their Time to Talk info - hopefully something that you might find helpful there.

Izadora

codemonkey wrote: »

Ono and tea - i don't do Valentine's day either. I think it's more important to do little things through the whole year rather than a rubbish card and overpriced flowers once a year. I think it's ok if you do want to celebrate it, but I don't think you have to if you're not bothered.

I do kind of celebrate it but not in a card and overpriced flowers way - we have a £10 budget and have to get each other the most hideously sickly present we can find. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to top OH's gift to me last year though, he got me a snow globe which has a picture of us in it and love hearts instead of snow

tea_lover

Izadora wrote: »

I do kind of celebrate it but not in a card and overpriced flowers way - we have a £10 budget and have to get each other the most hideously sickly present we can find. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to top OH's gift to me last year though, he got me a snow globe which has a picture of us in it and love hearts instead of snow

A t-shirt with a picture of the pair of you on it? I've clearly been watching too much Frasier again!

tea_lover

Izadora wrote: »

Please remember that, even if it's because he's ill, you need FOH to stop what he is/was doing. He's not asking for your help, he's stalking you despite numerous requests to leave you alone.
I know it must feel horrible and as though you're letting him down but you've tried every other way you can to get him to listen and it didn't work. You're not at fault for pressing charges, he's at fault for behaving in a way that left you no other option.

I suppose my dilemma is that I feel that I do have another option. If he hadn't followed me that time it wouldn't have occurred to me to get the police involved - the rest of it (calls, letters, etc) were not something I would have contacted them about on their own. But because I'd already got them involved I then started logging them all, and now it just seems to have snowballed and it isn't helping either one of us.

Without this becoming such a big 'thing', he'd probably have got bored and stopped already by now. After all, one thing I do know very clearly from the last ten years is that I do not generally figure on his list of priorities, and certainly not anywhere near the top. I think I've made this whole situation worse, when if I'd just spoken to him in the first place the novelty would have worn off and he'd have collected his stuff and moved on.

Izadora

tea_lover wrote: »

I suppose my dilemma is that I feel that I do have another option. If he hadn't followed me that time it wouldn't have occurred to me to get the police involved - the rest of it (calls, letters, etc) were not something I would have contacted them about on their own. But because I'd already got them involved I then started logging them all, and now it just seems to have snowballed and it isn't helping either one of us.

Just because it was only one thing which made you consider the police doesn't mean that the other things weren't wrong as well. I can see that taken in isolation they don't seem too bad but he's overstepped the mark so many times that I don't think you could ignore it anymore.

tea_lover wrote: »

Without this becoming such a big 'thing', he'd probably have got bored and stopped already by now. After all, one thing I do know very clearly from the last ten years is that I do not generally figure on his list of priorities, and certainly not anywhere near the top. I think I've made this whole situation worse, when if I'd just spoken to him in the first place the novelty would have worn off and he'd have collected his stuff and moved on.

Although none of us know him so can't predict how he would've reacted if things had gone differently, I think there are too many "what if"s to know for certain. Yes, he may well have got bored or he may have behaved even worse if he didn't know that there was a real likelihood that he'd get into serious trouble.

It's a horrible situation for both of you to be in but please remember it's one which is not of your doing and you have nothing to feel bad about.

Wellyboots6

Tea, could you try doing a cost\benefit analysis to help you focus your thoughts?
Four columns... What are the benefits of changing your approach (I.e. dropping charges)? What are the costs of changing your approach? What are the benefits of seeing it through? What are the costs of seeing it through?

I hate birthdays too, I get very down as I feel birthdays should be a time to celebrate what you have achieved in a year, and I never achieve anything! I also avoid them to avoid disappointment, as I've had quite a few disappointing experiences on birthdays.

I don't usually do valentines either (see above reasons!) although just been to playgroup with Escapette and we've made Bearded One a card with Escapettes footprints as a heart, and made a hanging heart decoration (she held the glue spatula and managed not to eat the glue, that was her contribution!). He is off work today so had to smuggle our glue and paint covered daughter into the house and wash her quickly before he noticed!

This weather is getting me down. Usually walking Little Sod helps me clear my head (its a distraction rather than a pleasure!) but he refuses to go out in this weather. He's also hurt his leg being silly.

It must be the time for escaping dogs. My car rolled off the driveway earlier and I panicked so dashed out the gate to reverse it back on to the drive forgetting Little Sod wasn't contained. He got out the gate and started chasing round the car as I was manoeuvring. Luckily I saw him in the mirror before he got squished, and he didn't run on to the road. I fully understand how awful it is when they decided to go off and do their own thing and end up in a pickle. Maybe we need a pets sick bay in the fort too?

tea_lover

Awww.... you see, that kind of valentines effort I could get on board with Bet he'll love it!

Thanks for the cost-benefit analysis idea. Have given it a go - so far I've ended up with four huge columns and no further idea of the right thing to do but at least it's helping me to crystallise some of my concerns. This could all be a moot point anyway as I seem to have totally fallen off the police's radar.

The weather's definitely not helping welly. I was all set to go for a walk yesterday but it was horrible weather and I ended up falling asleep on the sofa instead. Yet more weird dreams and now a stiff neck too.

mellymoo74

Really good plan welly.

Depends on what shift police be baby is on Tea he might not be on till later.

So if the person who would be your boss says really good presentation and see you again is that a good sign do you think?

Izadora

Melly, that definitely sounds promising.
Fingers crossed!!