Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 2

mellymoo74

Didn't go today but 2nd interview at one I liked earlier in the week.

Been prepping for that as it's logistics (not an area I have focused on) and they want a presentation on my findings from the walk round that could be presented to the client.

It will be regional in 18months if I am good.

Made myself eat pasta bacon and peas. I then had to stop myself exercise it off and have sat for 3 hours being disgusted with myself and feeling unclean.

Welly we missed you
Hi Poll
Calley what do you do that makes you happy? I think you need to groom and beautify even when not going anywhere and do the thing that makes you happy. It might help build your confidence.
WaS don't forget we are around to pick you up when form filling and stuff gets hard.

mellymoo74

Tea don't be surprised if they won't close the account without FOHS agreement. You should be able to remove the ability to go overdrawn tho.

System

Pyxis wrote: »

MessedUp, what reason would he have to kick off?

If, for whatever reason, he starts rowing or goading, I would suggest the best tactic is just to walk away, no talking, no eye contact.

If you were to lose it as well, he could accuse you of starting it and that would make trouble for you. So, just don't say a word and leave the room.
Remember, it's only a matter of days before he goes, and if he's a nasty piece of work, he may want to try and make things unpleasant on purpose, and get you into trouble as well.

Don't give him the satisfaction.

Silence is golden! :A


:T on the macaroni cheese! I love macaroni cheese! It's also delish if you slice a tomato to put on top and under the grill for a couple of mins!

When will those clones be ready? (Stamps foot with impatience!)

What reason? He's an inconsiderate, pedantic, selfish, ignorant !!!! of a person and complains about EVERYTHING

Thankfully nothing happened. Iknow its best to keep a dignified silence, but since being bullied when younger and the crap i had off m abusive ex i feel i've let people walk all over me my whole life and i'm sick of letting people do that to me

You are right though Ah sod him, i'm off to Swain's for the week (cloning so far hasn't worked.....i think he may be one of a kind ) maybe with any luck he'll be gone by the time i get back and we can have a nice party to celebrate :rotfl:

System

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Ok, so I am going to write a mini novel after all. Sorry! It will stop it going around in my head with luck. There are 3 reasons why this is a Very Bad Thing.

Financially-I NEED this money! £70 a week unemployment would be impossible. I couldn't afford my carer, I couldn't afford to keep my heating on all of the time because my thyroid disorder means I am always cold and it is dangerous for my temperature to drop because my body cannot regulate its own inner temperature. I couldn't afford the many trips to the launderette caused by my arm giving out and dropping food and drink all over myself daily and the fact I become incontinent when I have a catatonic spell. I couldn't afford to keep the car which is a disaster because I can't get to hospital appointments or anywhere without it, nevermind the fact WaSp couldn't get to Millielfeur's to help her either. Every last penny of my ESA is used on living each day, I have no idea what I would do without it.

Paranoia-Government forms are a huge trigger to my psychosis. Writing down how I live in minute detail makes me suspicious of what they do with the information, who see's it, and then when I really lose it is it being used for experiments on me or cloning. I know that sounds ridiculous but that's psychosis for you and filling these things in really scares me. I can get very strange thoughts very quickly at these times.

Depression-My depression usually gets much worse when I get these forms because I get through my day to day life by not thinking how different it is to other people's, I just ignore the small details. On the forms I suddenly have to record how I cannot cook for myself, how I need prompting to take medication and to wash or I just won't, how I never go out, and if I do I need to be hidden unless it is very empty because I can't bear people to see me. How I hear voices all of the time and now visual hallucinations too, how I cannot bear any sound at all and sit in total silence every day. How when I speak in real life or even when I write without being able to edit strange words leap into my conversations that make no sense and I get jumbled up and confused. How most people do not have others and spend a lot of their time playing with toys and slip into being 6 years old when talking to people with no warning. The fact I wake up screaming and crying in the night and need someone with me because I sleep walk. The self-harm, suicidal thoughts and weird but dangerous thoughts of how great it would be to hurt myself. How I have many rituals that I carry out each day so that I feel safe.

Then there's the physical-how my arm suddenly shakes and I drop everything and cannot use it until it decides to stop, how I cannot even step up or down a kerb without someone hanging onto me because of my balance disorder, how the only way I can get up or down stairs is on my bottom, how I take codeine and Tramadol every day still have constant low level pain from my spine and neck, how walking for more than 50 yards means I have to sit on the pavement or fall down.

I never think of this stuff normally I just take things as they come or I would become extremely upset most of the time. I just get through the days. Seeing it all together on a form and having to think about how much my life is actually affected by my conditions is so depressing, it makes me feel like a freak and utterly useless to anyone. I look and feel like a complete disaster, it is horrid to write this stuff down.

Optimistic bit! This time I will not end up in hospital on the strength of this! As someone wise said to me, if I mess up the form and go off on a tangent or strange words creep into my sentences then I am showing them what things are really like, they need to see how things really are. In reality I have never had any problems with getting benefit payments and there is evidence going back over 30 years of psychiatric problems to back up what I say. There should not be any problems this time either. Yes, it will upset me to write it all down but it doesn't change the fact that for most days I am happy despite it all, I have adapted to my conditions and that still applies whether the details are on a form or not.

I can do this!

WaS you CAN indeed do this and you will do this.

I do understand everything you've said. I understand how stressful it is when that brown evelope drops through the door and suddenly ou have to go into extreme detail over every little thing, whilst at the same time having the paranoia that they won;t beleive you , that they think you're a fraud and that they're going to take it all away from you and you will be left with nothing. I;ve been there and its horrendous, i can only imgaine how bad it's making you feel but honestly, you need ESA, you ARE entiled to ESA, you deserve ESA and i honestly don;t think for a second that with all the evidience you have of your illness they would think of anything other than continuing our claim as it is. My problems were never even half as bad as some of the stuff you deal with on a daily basis, yet everytime i had an assessment they put me in the support group as they could see how unwell i was. This will be the case for you as well so my lovely please don't let this stress you out to the point it did last time. You will get through this, it will all be ok. We here, are all on your side and if you need any advice or support we will help in anyway we can.

[penguin]ESA renewal always exacerbated the depressive thoughts and self harm and suicidal feelings. The last one i had i remember her asking me about self harm and if i'd done it recently and i had to be honest and said yes, i'd done it the previous night because the anxiety of the medical had led to it (slightly !!!!ed off and shokced that she asked me to show her it..). i was so scared that they'd find me fit to work. i was terrified that i'd be forced on JSA, that i knew i wouldn't cope. i told myself at the time if they failed me that was it, i'd kill myself. because what else was left? i don;t want you to feel that way [/penguin[

calleyw

mellymoo74 wrote: »

D
Calley what do you do that makes you happy? I think you need to groom and beautify even when not going anywhere and do the thing that makes you happy. It might help build your confidence.

Melly,

At the moment nothing makes me happy. I have not touched my x-stitch in months.

I am glutton for punishment. Why I keep going back on these sites I never know. I am kidding myself that anyone would want me.

I need to get dressed and made up no matter what I am doing. You are right on that.

Sorry to hear that eating made you feel bad about yourself.

Take care.

Yours

Calley

mellymoo74

Aunty Melly is suggesting you make yourself do 1/2 X stich tomorrow Calley.
Also go for a walk endorphins are good (I'm having to stop myself currently excessive exercise bad).
Nails, face mask, Hair mask do that trying get new make up techniques that you like. Don't worry about it going shiny you can set it with a spritz of water (let dry).

mellymoo74

And you need to change 'no one will ever want me' to I am learning about myself and maybe when I feel like it I might let someone in.

Stop being hard on yourself.
You still have a Fantastic relationship with your husband and you still take care of him.
You have a lodger giving a bit more money
Your making friends with the bunny (slower than you like bit it will happen)

System

Sorry felt like I overshared a bit too much due to being emotional last night so have deleted this one

Pyxis

(((((((((((((((((MessedUp)))))))))))))))))))))))

Your letter was wonderful; eloquent, descriptive, to the point,; you set out the facts without being rude or aggressive.

It's an excellent letter.

You say you never sent it? If you ever were to feel the need to send it, it would be ok to do that.

Very well done, MessedUp.

I'm so glad you had a good relationship with your step-dad; you have those good memories. :A

Families are such a mixed blessing. They can be wonderful things or they can really screw you up.

You are making a good life for yourself. You understand yourself. You have become very strong, and you will get stronger still. I admire you for that!

Go, MessedUp! :T

Georgiegirl256

Just popping in quickly to say hope you have a wonderful holiday Pyxis! Take care and travel safe x x x