Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 2

whitewing

Be worth bringing it up when he is not so annoyed with you. He will probably think it is nothing to do with anything (my DH is like that when I first mention something) but then he'll give it some thought and eventually will hopefully give you an insight.

May also be worth asking him if he is okay with your grief over your dad now the first year has passed. I know I sometimes have struggled with DH and how he relates to his mother because, although I still see my mum, I don't have a mother-daughter relationship. It doesn't even cross my radar that he wants to have time with her (although I do accept that she wants to see littlewing and can even appreciate that relationship as I loved both my grandmothers).

whitewing

calley, I wish my dad would read that book.

Georgiegirl256

whitewing wrote: »

May also be worth asking him if he is okay with your grief over your dad now the first year has passed. ).

Sorry, I don't understand what you mean there?

calleyw

I think men are like this as they are scared to show there real feelings or get upset and cry. As its not macho!!!!

As they don't deal with the stuff in the same way we do. Woman tend to have female friends to unload on. Men don't have that. And they see it as being weak and girlie.

Which means they lock it all away and hurt the people are they are closest to. As they don't process it they can't get sort it out and get it over.

Well thats my theory.

Yours

Calley

Waves_and_Smiles

Whitewing, I am very similar with WaSp and Milliefleur and in fact WaSp and his whole family. I have become much better at not saying anything but I admit I don't relate to the relationships. Logically, I get it totally. I read how other people are attached to their families and need to be in contact with them and how close they are but emotionally it is alien to me. I never grew up in an ordinary family environment and simply have nothing emotional to relate to. I haven't seen my own family for 26 years now and I don't feel as if there is anything missing in my life because after my dad died I didn't feel as if I had anyone left. There was never any closeness between remaining family.

I admit I used to feel very threatened by WaSp's relationship with them because I didn't understand it, if he wanted to see them and drop everything to help them I didn't understand why, My family never did that for each other even when I was in touch with them. I have got better over the years and have learnt to keep my mouth shut but I do still find it hard to grasp sometimes.

I agree with you Calley. It took WaSp 10 years to be able to cry in front of me and admit how much he had only ever wanted his dad to be proud of him. He had been carrying it around inside ever since being a child. He did start to feel a lot better about things once he started talking but it was really hard for him to open up because he was brought up to believe men don't show their feelings.

onomatopoeia99

calleyw wrote: »

I think men are like this as they are scared to show there real feelings or get upset and cry. As its not macho!!!!

As they don't deal with the stuff in the same way we do. Woman tend to have female friends to unload on. Men don't have that. And they see it as being weak and girlie.

This is largely true. There is a huge amount of conditioning that goes on as children not show fear or cry and it is very difficult to break through. It's not just from men, I can remember being told not to cry as I was a boy by female teachers when I was in infants school. I didn't have a male teacher until I was at secondary school, in fact.

The thing about not being able to unload is also true and I've remarked on it before. We don't have the support network (best phrase I can come up with) that women tend to have, if I talk to my oldest friend (who I've known since secondary school) it will be about work, or our cars, or hobbies and so on, sometimes about philosophical / political stuff, but never about emotions. Same with my brother.

If I need to unload I am fortunate in having very good female friends that I can talk to, but I know a lot of men don't (and indeed some can't understand having a genuine friendship with a woman separate from their partner / spouse).

calleyw

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

The thing about not being able to unload is also true and I've remarked on it before. We don't have the support network (best phrase I can come up with) that women tend to have, if I talk to my oldest friend (who I've known since secondary school) it will be about work, or our cars, or hobbies and so on, sometimes about philosophical / political stuff, but never about emotions. Same with my brother.

If I need to unload I am fortunate in having very good female friends that I can talk to, but I know a lot of men don't (and indeed some can't understand having a genuine friendship with a woman separate from their partner / spouse).

You are correct most do not have the network that woman have to off load. !!!!!! its 2016 why are still bogged down in stereotypes that men must be macho in front of everyone and not cry and woman are over emotional and hysterical.

I don't think any less of any man that cries for any reason. I think he is more attractive to me as he can own his own feelings and thoughts. But sadly we are still along way off that.

comforted my lodger the other day as he was in tears about something happening in his personal life. I gave him hug and made him look at me and talk to me about it. Not sure if it helped or not.



Yours

Calley

Pyxis

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Oh, Georgie I am going to hug you anyway. I do understand a little because Wasp was rather like that when we first met. He had grown up with a physically abusive dad and a very scared mum, although she would be affectionate to him his dad wouldn't be at all, it was constant criticism. It took me quite a while to realise in WaSp's case that everytime I told him something irritated me that he did he took as criticism of him as a person and immediately lashed out and closed off emotionally. He couldn't accept that I could be annoyed by what he was doing, but not be criticising him entirely, to him it was total rejection.
.

Gosh, that is so my story! It's totally the reason why my self-esteem is so low even now, because there wasn't another parent to counteract the criticism, and it continued right through my life, right up to when she died.
The awful thing was that the criticism also came from other family members, including my ex, and as a result of hearing it from them, also from my children.

tea_lover

Not just men either. Hard to believe given how much I ramble on here but I find it almost impossible to speak about 'important' things IRL. A good friend was trying to speak to me yesterday about yet another FOH update he's been involved in (he turned up at my mate's house earlier this week, there was a conversation about church.... long story). I really appreciate my friend's help but I found it physically painful to actually have a conversation. I totally changed the subject and am aware that I must appear pretty rude. The thought of appearing weak or vulnerable in front of other people just horrifies me - even though it doesn't bother me in the slightest if other people cry etc. in front of me.

I don't know how I coped before the internet!

Pyxis

tea_lover wrote: »

Not just men either. Hard to believe given how much I ramble on here but I find it almost impossible to speak about 'important' things IRL. A good friend was trying to speak to me yesterday about yet another FOH update he's been involved in (he turned up at my mate's house earlier this week, there was a conversation about church.... long story). I really appreciate my friend's help but I found it physically painful to actually have a conversation. I totally changed the subject and am aware that I must appear pretty rude. The thought of appearing weak or vulnerable in front of other people just horrifies me - even though it doesn't bother me in the slightest if other people cry etc. in front of me.

I don't know how I coped before the internet!

Would you be able to email him and explain this?

Also, as you're a church-goer, would it help to speak to your minister about it?