Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 2

SingleSue

My one and only alcohol related black out was at a work BBQ. They had punch which contained vodka, at the time, vodka did not like me and as a result, I can remember having a half glass of the punch and then my next memory is being taken home by now ex hubby and his mate in a shopping trolley (which was about 4 hours after I had the half cup of punch).

The night ended with me falling down the stairs at home head first after stopping to stroke our cat at the top, bashing into the speaker at the bottom of the stairs. Ex hubby and friend just picked me up and put me to bed assuming everything was fine, the following morning I couldn't move and it turned into a hospital trip...they told me I was lucky I was drunk as otherwise I would have broken my neck through tensing, my reply was if I had not been drunk, I wouldn't have fallen down the stairs in the first place.

Still distracted and getting more OCD by the day, waiting for a hospital appointment which hasn't come through yet.

System

i do love quavers and wotsits so thank you

Urgh, despiite being told by Swain i'm not a failure and i'm apparently "wonderful" i feel like absolute crap. It happens everytime i do an 8 hour shift. I feel like a failure because most "normal" people work that at least 5 days a week and yet me doing it once every now and then (although its twice this week i have to survive wednesday) results in me breaking down. I feel all the feelings i felt when i worked full time pre breakdown, and how i felt everyday for the 3 1/2 years post breakdown. By the time we shut i was pretty much spaced out and almost dissociating, i ended up on my own on the tills for 3 hours straight with a queue out the door and kept getting flustered and panicking and getting orders wrong, because there was just me at time i;d be dealing with two r three customers at once and i kept getting confused, plus i had people having a go at me later as we'd run out of pasties (not my fault, if it was down to me i'd have put more in so we had stuff to sell but my senior sales turned the oven off early) plus we take the coffee machine off half an hour before close as it takes 1=45 mins to clean itself)

Overall i'm just scared because i know i can;t cope with "normal" hours, when i first had my fit note done my GP asked me what she fet was the max hours i could cop with and i said 8 even though i knew i couldnt cos i was scared if i said less work would think i'm not up to the job and fire me.

Its an almighty mess and i'm typing this barely being able to see through tears. it scares me so much because i know i have this illness for life. its never going to go away. yes i have periods where i function but if a !!!!ing 8 hour shifts leaves me broken and a mess how the hell am i ever going to cope with life?

whitewing

pug biscuit
http://www.notonthehighstreet.com/eatmycake

SingleSue

I can empathise with that, my health is not great and although in my head I have this wonderful dream of going back to full time work once youngest is away at uni (albeit he will have loads of support via DSA payments), the reality is that I struggle just doing a morning school run and maybe popping into a supermarket to pick up a lottery ticket.

By the time I get home I am absolutely exhausted and in pain. It too makes me feel a failure as I have always been superwoman, able to carry on when others have given in, I feel more weak and wailing woman than superwoman now.

whitewing

MU,

Hang on in there. You have Swain now. He sounds wonderfully encouraging.

When it is busy, just focus on the person in front of you and don't worry about the queue. In a way, you should be offering the most efficient, friendly service regardless of queue length anyway. You can only do what you can do, and panicking about it will freeze you up.

System

SingleSue wrote: »

I can empathise with that, my health is not great and although in my head I have this wonderful dream of going back to full time work once youngest is away at uni (albeit he will have loads of support via DSA payments), the reality is that I struggle just doing a morning school run and maybe popping into a supermarket to pick up a lottery ticket.

By the time I get home I am absolutely exhausted and in pain. It too makes me feel a failure as I have always been superwoman, able to carry on when others have given in, I feel more weak and wailing woman than superwoman now.

Swaintold me that being like this, feeling this doesn;t make me a failure. That i'm trying my best to live with an illness which is basically a daily fight with my own brain.

I just feel like a lesser person. I felt like that when i was on ESA, that i wasn't good enough by societies standards, and even though me going back to work part time was a HUGE thing for me to be able to do, i still feel like i'm somehow not good enough and never will be unless i somehow work full time.

codemonkey

It'k OK MU. 8 hour shifts are long, especialy in retail where you're on your feet all day. It's frustrating but you're not a failure, you just have limitations and that's ok. Nothing wrong with working part time and admitting that's all you can do for now. Perhaps in the future that will change, perhaps it won't. You're trying to work and succeeding, and whether you do 8 hour days or 4 hour days is irrelevant. You're bloody doing it!

SS - have you phoned the department? Sometimes letters dont make it through. Having said that, I've been waiting for an appointment for a mandibular splint for almost 2 years. I snore like a walrus.

Feeling a bit unattractive and worthless atm. Was feeling a bit amourous earlier and put the moves on DH. Nothing. No interest whatsoever. I am beige wallpaper.

System

whitewing wrote: »

MU,

Hang on in there. You have Swain now. He sounds wonderfully encouraging.

When it is busy, just focus on the person in front of you and don't worry about the queue. In a way, you should be offering the most efficient, friendly service regardless of queue length anyway. You can only do what you can do, and panicking about it will freeze you up.

Thanks whitewing, i do have Swain and he's so unbelievebly supportive, but then that goes against me sometimes cos my brain tells me he's going to get sick of dealing with this and give up on me(though i should clarify he told me earlier he'll never give up on me )

When there;s other people serving its not anywhere near as bad, i just seem to panic and freeze when i'm on my own. Doesn't help when you hear people making snide comments. It's like....i'm trying my !!!!ing best, what more do they want? Maybe i'm just not suited to retail

SingleSue

codemonkey wrote: »

It'k OK MU. 8 hour shifts are long, especialy in retail where you're on your feet all day. It's frustrating but you're not a failure, you just have limitations and that's ok. Nothing wrong with working part time and admitting that's all you can do for now. Perhaps in the future that will change, perhaps it won't. You're trying to work and succeeding, and whether you do 8 hour days or 4 hour days is irrelevant. You're bloody doing it!

SS - have you phoned the department? Sometimes letters dont make it through. Having said that, I've been waiting for an appointment for a mandibular splint for almost 2 years. I snore like a walrus.

Feeling a bit unattractive and worthless atm. Was feeling a bit amourous earlier and put the moves on DH. Nothing. No interest whatsoever. I am beige wallpaper.

I'm not entirely sure which department the GP was referring me to, normal dermatology or the horrible nasty one I really don't want to say (or type) out loud. Brain went into meltdown and closed down to be honest at the appointment....

codemonkey

Bit difficult to call them then. Hugs.