Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 2

faerielight

aww you guys are all so awesome it is so nice to have a safe space on here.I will put a TRIGGER here so if you're feeling fragile, don't read . regarding my mother's will, the only other blood family I have is my mum's brother, my uncle, and my cousins but they have all disowned me years ago. .. he has been brainwashed by her lies and he really hates me. .. he has no idea what really went on in my family.. I do have a rather sadistic fantasy of reading out a letter she wrote me years ago.. I never did confront her about what she had done to me, she is an alcoholic and she would only have told me I was imagining the abuse from her.. However, I did confront her about the sexual abuse from her male cousin and in this letter she wrote, and I quote her words, as I have read the letter so many times : " All males chase little girls and try things on.. it is always up to the little girl to stop them.. A good kick in the goolies stops most men in their track... Some girls get raped, some get murdered, be grateful and think of it as a good lesson on how to grow up and deal with men " I still have the letter and I think my relatives would be shocked if they read it.. she is one twisted woman to think those things, let alone write them to her daughter.. I was 5 when it started and he was in his 40's and he was way stronger than me.. I have kept the letter as some sort of proof as to her character. Maybe when she dies I will contest the will and show the lawyer's her letter . I wish this mother wound could heal, it just never does.. I've got my cats though to keep me company so I am grateful for them .. I just wish I wasn't going through this prolonged medical negligence/ bowel trauma and I wish I had a partner to share my life with, but I have given up on relationships, what with mental illness, multiple disabilities, incontinence etc , that part of my life is over, and I haven't quite come to terms with that yet, and I feel so scared and lonely

System

I'm sorry you had to go through that faerielight , your mothers words are shocking i can only think (and i'm not defending her just tryng to rationalise in my mind how a mother could say such things to her child) that she must of been in denial and didn't want to admit what horrible things she in effect allowed to happen, hence the blaming you when obviously any sane person would know there's nothing you could have done to prevent it.

Waves_and_Smiles

I am going to penguin this faerie, just highlight it to read it.

Penguin beginning

You have probably read that I was sexually abused by mother too, and also once by my uncle. As in your case my uncle was not seen to have a problem, in fact I was because I rejected him. My mother and my uncle were a product of my grandmothers upbringing. all of their problems initially laid with her. I can remember being 14 and my mother and grandmother happily saying how wonderful it would be to have another child in the family if I became my uncles girlfriend, my grandmother made a little cheering movement with her arms as she said how great it would be to have a baby in the family. It sounds completely insane and it really was, she was an extremely disturbed but an extremely strong and controlling person and damaged her children irreparably.

My mother in turn was very disturbed but I don't hate for it. She spent her life in a bubble controlled by her mother (she was never even allowed to date until my grandmother chose my father for her), she was sexually abused by my grandmother and carried on what she knew with me, was indeed expected to do so. I broke the chain as you did and was deeply resented by my grandmother for it, to my mother it was simply rejection of her and everything she had ever known so she lashed out at me.

I do carry a lot of anger towards my mother, but mostly for being too weak to get herself out of this and break the chain herself, I am far more angry about that than her abuse of me. She did have schizophrenia too which made it much harder for her, but then again so I do and I still broke free. I put up with frequently being hit by my grandmother for breaking the often obscene family rules but I never backed down on what I knew to be true, I wish that my mother had done the same. I despise my grandmother, she ruined her two children's lives and tried to ruin mine and she was aware of what she was doing. Yes, she was very disturbed but there was no questioning or remorse from her and she rarely showed any emotion about anything, she had no ability to compromise and tightly controlled her children's lives often with the threat of violence and with the lack of intervention from outside professionals back then they didn't have a chance. They weren't allowed any friends and had no social skills to make them and had no other influences in their lives but her.

When I rejected my uncle my grandmother slapped me repeatedly (I was 15), told me that the family would have been better off if I had never been born and told me I was a snob with heirs and graces and the family was better than I would ever be. My mother called me my fathers surname and disdainfully told me that I was one of them. From that point onwards any cards for birthdays, etc that my mother or grandmother gave me would be signed Mrs <surname> because I was no longer part of their family. They never went back on that.

I became estranged from my mother not because she abused me but because dealing with her disturbed outlook made me suicidal. I remember holding my head in my hands when visiting her when I was 20 while listening to the latest twisted reality her and my grandmother had created and saying to her "I cannot take this insanity anymore". I was taking a bottle of wine or visiting her on drugs just to get through an hour with her in the end, every meeting dragged me backwards and I knew I would have suicided if I continued to stay in contact. The final act for my own health was to walk away from all 3 of my relatives.

It is possible to come to terms with an incestuous past but it takes a very long time and a lot of self-examination. I was very lucky in that I had professionals who helped me do so, and who met my mother and grandmother and could validate me by confirming that they were extremely disturbed individuals. My psychotherapist told me that mother was beyond any treatment, she had been so abused for 50 years and was so disturbed that psychiatric help wouldn't have worked. I so wish that kind of support for you but please do not give up hope, you can find a kind of peace even if the hurt never goes.

End penguin

System

I'm currently experiencing the annual "birthday blues" as i've come to call it. Every year, a few weeks before my birthday my mood crashes. I feel like utter crap. Feel like i donlt want to cekebrate it. Feel like i want to hide away. I think in part its cos when its your birthday theres this expectation that you'll be happy, but for me all it does is remind me i'm another year older and yet again have nothing to show for it. Still in the same situation i was in in previous years. It's getting harder as i get closer to 30 as i see people around me with great careers, their own homes, being married with families. And i have none of these.

And the other thing is:

[PENGUIN]

Honestly, i never thought i'd live this long. I was always so sure i'd have killed myself by now. I never had a dream career of a plan for life as i didn't think i'd be alive so what would it matter? So i feel completely and utterly lost. I suppose in some ways in a way i've survived this long and that's a good thing, but i still have overwhelming feelings that i should never have been born and that i shouldn't be here. And my birthday reinforces these feelings ever year.

[/PENGUIN]

Christmas also has a similar effect. I always try and be happy and build it up, then on the day i usually crash and feel like crap. I've spent the last 5 or 6 years crashing on either xmas day or boxing day and having to hide aay from my family as all i felt i could do was cry.

I'm sure i'll be fine by my birthday but for now, i feel crap.

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, hugs MU. I used to feel like that all the way up until I was 30, I was so upset from 29 to 31 because I felt like I hadn't achieved anything (still do sometimes!) and that all of my peers had done so well compared to me.

Something changed after I got to 31 and I started to think I had achieved something, just as you say I became grateful that I had was still here and had made it this far. You DO have a lot reasons to be proud of yourself, many of those around you haven't been through half of what you have but you have made it! Honestly, that is a reason for celebrating. No one can ever take that achievement away from you and it is an achievement, you are relatively stable, holding down a job and living alone, that is huge! If your peers had been through what you have they very likely wouldn't have managed so much. I am proud of you for when you can't be and I have enough pride in you for the both of us.

System

Thank you for that WaS

*hugs tightly*

I know I have a lot of good in my life, it just seems hard to process. For many years Id planned to kill myself on my birthday so my parents would only have one date to deal with (and cos it felt like a full circle if that makes sense) so that's another reason I find it hard to deal with.

Waves_and_Smiles

That's even more understandable why it is so hard for you, MU. You have difficult memories to associate with it as well. I do understand a little as my birthday is also the anniversary of my dad's suicide, for years I would spend every birthday in tears.

Can you spend this birthday with Swain? One way to make yourself feel a little better might be to make some good memories of your birthday to overcome the bad feelings. If you don't feel up to it on the actual day how about spending the nearest weekend with him? I often found it easier to celebrate on a different day when the bad feelings weren't so raw. Have another hug, I do understand and wish that I could make it better for you.

System

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

That's even more understandable why it is so hard for you, MU. You have difficult memories to associate with it as well. I do understand a little as my birthday is also the anniversary of my dad's suicide, for years I would spend every birthday in tears.

Can you spend this birthday with Swain? One way to make yourself feel a little better might be to make some good memories of your birthday to overcome the bad feelings. If you don't feel up to it on the actual day how about spending the nearest weekend with him? I often found it easier to celebrate on a different day when the bad feelings weren't so raw. Have another hug, I do understand and wish that I could make it better for you.

I've booked it off work and plan to spend it with Swain, hopefully that will create some more positive memories/association. Perhaps i should try and think that this could well be the first of many i get to spend with him, which is a positive.

I need to try and stop comparing my life to other people's. I've always felt since my breakdown i've been a few years behind everyone (seeing as those years were mostly spent existing rather than living), so to speak. so in a way it makes sense that things other people have had happening in their life, might not happen in mine yet as i'm not ready for them? I guess i have a few years to catch up. In some ways it help to think of my mum, i mean yeah she was married to my (bio) dad and had me, but her life properly took off once she met my dad, but that wasn't till she was 30. So in a way does it really matter if things don't fall into place straight away? She didn't meet the right person till then, but once she did she had another 3 awesome kids (obv im awesome too lol) and a happy 25 year(and still going strong) marriage and things have worked out well for her.

In terms of having kids and marriage, when i think about it, i wouldn't have wanted either of those things with any of my exes. None of them were right for me And i've always felt i'd rather wait to meet the right person, than do it for the sake of doing it.

So i'll try and be positive. Thank you for the support though, i feel a lot less alone (and a lot less crazy) being able to talk about how i feel here, with people who understand. (Swain's in bed otherwise i'd talk to him about it, a conversation for tomorrow perhaps?)

Pyxis

MessedUp I'm glad you'll spend your birthday with Swain! That's just what it needs! Surprises and fun! Look forward to it as a lovely day with Swain! So start enjoying it now, by enjoying the anticipation!
As for not having achieved much, well all your experiences, and maybe mostly the horrid ones, have made you what you are today....yes, awesome! Also someone who is loved by Swain, and by the sound of it, his family, too! Someone who is appreciated by their manager at work, and who, by the sound of it, does that job extremely well! And someone who is so kind and understanding to people on this thread and others on MSE.

Your MH issues have made you very understanding of others with MH issues. That is quite something. Material things aren't important. Qualifications can be achieved at any age, but education isn't just about qualifications anyway.
You're still in your 20s. Time isn't running out! You've loads of living to do yet! I didn't achieve an awful lot in my 20s, but I streaked ahead in my 30s and 40s! Now that I'm even older, I'm having new experiences all the time and still learning from them!

You have a partner who obviously thinks the world of you. That's a wonderful thing, and something I'm envious of! (In a nice way, IYSWIM!)

Like you, birthdays and Christmas have made me very unhappy in the last few years, so I stopped having them! However, if I had someone special to share them with, I would enjoy them again, so do share them with Swain. Would you be able to spend Christmas with him? If the opportunity arises, grab it!

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

You mean my arm won't fall off, Pyxis? I may have been telling Wasp he will have to do much more for me after it does.

I feel okish about it other than the scratching point. This sounds daft for someone who self-harms but I am very squeamish about scabs. If some picks a scab in front of me I have to leave the room or I may throw up, honestly I feel all hot and shaky when someone does it. When I had scabs from self-harm I kept them covered with a bandage until they fell off so that I couldn't see them! So I am a little nervous of skin scratches, I shall hopefully be fine if I look away and not faint on the nurse or something, the actual scratch isn't a problem but the thought of a scab is! I am the same with blood tests, I am fine with watching blood being drawn but cannot watch the needle going in.

WaS, I don't remember any scabs, although it was a long time ago. The 'scratch' is more of a pinprick, really. I don't remember feeling any discomfort either. It's nothing like an injection. I think you'll be fine!

Pyxis

Escapee break-out poll!


MONDAY.........Katy, Georgiegirl, RjHammond
TUESDAY........Flybaby, WaS, 7DW
WEDNESDAY...Pyxis, Mummyroysof3, Solarjunkie, Birdie
THURSDAY.....Codemonkey, Oldestgnome, Mellymoo
FRIDAY..........Geminilady, xXMessedUpXx, Elsien, BeardedOne
SATURDAY......JobbingMusician, Indiekid
SUNDAY..........Whitewing, HeartbreakStar