Best way to deal with bad manners...

moneyistooshorttomention

Someone recently "told me off" for a conversation of mine they had eavesdropped on.

I was gobsmacked.

I've never encountered that before. Eavesdropping on other peoples conversations deliberately is obviously bad manners. We all inadvertently overhear other peoples conversations at times and we know its bad manners to admit you've overheard a conversation you weren't involved in and we aren't entitled to comment on the conversation.

So - to mention to me what I was talking to someone else about and proceed to "tell me off" and that I wasn't to talk about that is:shocked:.

I think this person is probably someone with generally somewhat deficient manners - as, shortly after that, I was in the middle of saying something to someone else and they must have realised I was mid-sentence and yet started "talking at" the person I was talking to (who just stood there embarrassed and not knowing how to deal with their rudeness and get them to stop "talking at" them and we could continue with our conversation).

I shall carry on as normal and not allow Mrs Rudeness to affect who I talk to/and what about in the slightest obviously. My first thoughts are obviously to steer as clear as possible of Mrs Rudeness, but I am very tempted to spell out to her just how out of order she was.

What would you do? What did you do if in similar position in the past? - ie to get her to "respect" other peoples conversations.

Dozey_crow

I think a very loud ."I am taking! " should suffice. If it doesn't work say.. 'As you can see I am already in a conversation, I will speak to you \come find you when I'm finished "

Should get the point across. I find that rude people only respond to extremely blunt and Curt replies.

Janey3

I have seen this sort of behaviour creeping in over the last couple of years where some people now feel the need to pass comment on things that shouldn't concern them and were not asked for - and it takes you off guard and can be upsetting. I can understand you being gobsmacked because that's not the way you were brought up. Ignore and walk away is the best way to deal with it imo although OH would say different!

moneyistooshorttomention

Thanks re the how to deal with future conversation interruptions by Mrs Rudeness - as I daresay there will be others. I guess some people never learn that, if you want to speak to someone, you hesitate briefly to check if they are already in conversation with anyone standing by them before starting to speak and, if its something that needs to be said urgently, you stand patiently (looking a bit anxious) until you get the "nod" to speak by an enquiring look or something.

Still unsure of best way to handle the first episode (ie of her "telling me off" and not to talk about the topic again) from the conversation she eavesdropped on - other than obviously to carry right on having whatever conversations I please with whoever I please (as its none of her business).

moneyistooshorttomention

Janey3 wrote: »

I have seen this sort of behaviour creeping in over the last couple of years where some people now feel the need to pass comment on things that shouldn't concern them and were not asked for - and it takes you off guard and can be upsetting. I can understand you being gobsmacked because that's not the way you were brought up. Ignore and walk away is the best way to deal with it imo although OH would say different!

I was giving further thought after posting and the only times I can recall people making reference to an overheard conversation of mine was the occasional time when someone's head popped up and they said something along the lines of "Oh...I hope you don't mind me overhearing that...but.....(and then proceed to make a helpful comment)" and I think that's acceptable.

duchy

Depends

If you were gossiping about someone or the conversation was malicious or offensive to hear then maybe they had a point and you could be more discreet in the future.
If you work with or for them and the conversation was unprofessional then perhaps the setting was inappropriate for the conversation

It really isn't clear what the circumstances were but maybe you were louder than you intended to be - It appears the person wasn't a random stranger but someone known to you -so perhaps you could have an adult conversation about what happened-Just a thought ! After all most private conversations aren't held at a volume others can hear what is been said anyway. If you don't want people commenting on your private conversations maybe don't have them in situations where you can be overheard ? Was it the topic or or the way you expressed yourself they were objecting to ?

Fosterdog

I know the right thing to do would be to walk away and try to limit the chances of it happening again but I work with someone similar and after a year+ of that not working I got petty enough to deliberately do it, I even deliberately cut them off mid conversation a few times to show them how bad it is.

There is certainly no love lost between me and this person but there has been a marked improvement in their attitude towards others since.

moneyistooshorttomention

The topic and way I expressed myself (perfectly calmly and non-!!!!!ily actually) was irrelevant to Mrs Rudeness. It was a conversation she wasn't involved in (ie because it was between myself and another person) and had nothing to do with her anyway.

It was in a social setting (as I am now retired).

duchy

As you are retired then perhaps you are old enough to have the mature quiet but firm word with the person then ? Probably easier in the long term than other people thinking you are rude if they hear you insisting that "I am speaking" if they don't know about the initial incident ?

moneyistooshorttomention

I may have a lot of life experience under my belt by now - but I haven't come across the specific fault of someone trying to tell me what I can and cant talk about in private conversations before now. Hence I'm at a loss on how to deal with that incident in particular - as that particular thing is new to me.

The conversation interrupting is something that does happen fairly frequently in our society - but I've not even heard of someone trying to dictate what other people can and cant talk about in a private conversation before now (well only outside Britain and in a very different context - eg more repressive societies than ours). I haven't even read of that sort of thing happening in books...never mind encountered it.

Hence why I'm wondering if I should try and take Mrs Rudeness to one side and specifically inform her her conduct on that is outside the norm and not to do it again.

We all tend to learn how to react to a situation by watching how others deal with a similar one - but I've not heard of anyone encountering that before, so don't have anything to Copy as to appropriate response.

Since moving...I've noticed that sometimes people will look around quickly to see if someone else is in earshot and then leaning very close before saying something that sounds perfectly "innocent" to me. That's a new one to me and I wonder if that might be a response to a Mrs Rudeness incident (note to self - must ask the next person who does that "quick look around" before saying something to me...as to whether that is why they do that). Perhaps the quick "look-around" before speaking is a rural thing - and I've come from a city.

duchy

If it's a fairly new social circle to you -and social enviroment then maybe you have a point with the above. Rural social settings are often more insular than city settings. We joke about villages where everyone knows everyone else's business but there is a grain of truth in it and city people do tend to be more .....private and less forthright. What you took as rudeness might be in that environment an attitude that anything said loud enough to be heard is not a private conversation -and the "looking around" sort of confirms that. Maybe hold fire for a bit and observe interactions before assuming it's rude and not just a different style of social interaction- It's all in the intention after all.

There's also the possibility that you might still be the newcomer to village life and the other person felt you needed "educating" in village life -It can take a while to be genuinely accepted in a village -unlike cities where the transient nature means people tend to integrate more quickly as if it took as long as a village you'd have moved again by the time you were accepted !

So what *was* the topic ?