Husband doesn't find me attractive!

Marieboo2

I shall try to keep this short but looking for opinions on what I can do?

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, about 2 years after getting together and after the birth of our son I began to put on a lot of weight. There's no excuse it was over eating pure and simple. I have to give my husband credit, if he noticed the 4 stone weight gain, he never mentioned it or made me feel bad.

Fast forward to the beginning of this year, I had a photo taken at a family party and couldn't believe how fat I was, so I started a diet. Here's where the problems started.
At every turn he has tried to sabotage it. Organising meals out, takeaways bring home fast food.
However, I have now lost 16 kgs at first he laughed claiming he couldn't notice I was losing anything so I might as well give up. Now he says I looked better before, my body is not the same, if I lose anymore I will look awful.

It's really getting me down, it's hard work losing weight and the constant put downs are driving me mad. If he found me attractive when I was larger and not now what are my options, he'd be happy for me to put the weight back on but I feel better health wise if nothing else.

Any advice is welcome

Thanks

LilElvis

Perhaps it's all about his own lack of self confidence? He might worry that as you lose weight, become more confident and look better that you will attract attention from other men.

^!£$&

I know how hard weightloss is, I myself lost 4 stone five years ago and have managed to keep 3 stone off! I did it for me! It made me feel great. I felt healthier and more confident.
Quite simply do what is best for you- confidence and healthwise. I would however explain to your OH in a simple, non confrontational matter how you feel and that you would like his support!
xxx

Marieboo2

I have explained to him, and I'm by no means skinny I could easily lose another 2 stones,:rotfl: and still have spare .But he's insistant I look awful, if I buy new clothes he will comment on how bad they look on me. It just grinds me down and makes me resentful

Tlg1991

I have a friend (male) who was going out with a girl they split up not that long ago but was together for a long time. he would never let her wear make up because he always told her she looked stupid or like a clown or something.

recently he has been enjoying single life so to speak and been talking to some nice girls but he decided to start a relationship with this one who does not wear make up at all she didn't seem to look after her self appearance wise, it then clicked it was for his own self confidence. he was a very jealous with his ex i saw it all the time and although i suspected this when he choose to start a relationship with someone else that was already like that (lack of make up and so on) it all made sense.

Basically there are people that do not have a lot of self worth so when they have someone like a partner they will try to keep them "down" with them to avoid them running away with someone else if they end up getting attention from else where.

Angry_Bear

Marieboo2 wrote: »

I have explained to him, and I'm by no means skinny I could easily lose another 2 stones,:rotfl: and still have spare .But he's insistant I look awful, if I buy new clothes he will comment on how bad they look on me. It just grinds me down and makes me resentful

From what you say, I'd agree with other posters that it's more to do with his self-confidence than how you look (after all, surely he would be happy for you to be healthier, even if he preferred fatter women?)

I'd assume you're also experiencing a bit of a surge in your self-confidence, probably enjoying looking at new clothes etc. It's very possible that this is also denting his self-esteem. Have you considered couples counselling? It might help you find a way to make him understand that you feeling good about yourself should be a positive to him too (e.g. if you feel "sexier", then it may increase your sex drive).

Marieboo2

His answer to it all is for me to put the weight back on, I looked better then (how I have no idea) but any attempt to look better is met with mocking remarks, what are you wearing? Look how bad your stomach looks now. It's just tiring.

The thing is he doesn't find fat women attractive, the many profiles he looks at on Facebook or the woman he discusses with his friends (who also made fun of me when I was bigger) are all thin ladies. So I thought my losing weight would make him happy. It's had the opposite affect.
It might seem like a silly thing to argue over but I honestly think if this continues we will end up divorced. I have told him this and he says oh well you can find another man then can't you.
I'm bored of it all frankly.

marleyboy

I would be blunt by telling him not to flatter himself, your doing it for YOU not him.

fairy_lights

Marieboo2 wrote: »

His answer to it all is for me to put the weight back on, I looked better then (how I have no idea) but any attempt to look better is met with mocking remarks, what are you wearing? Look how bad your stomach looks now. It's just tiring.

The thing is he doesn't find fat women attractive, the many profiles he looks at on Facebook or the woman he discusses with his friends (who also made fun of me when I was bigger) are all thin ladies. So I thought my losing weight would make him happy. It's had the opposite affect.

It can be hard for people to adjust to their loved ones weight loss and change of appearance, but that's no excuse for mocking remarks. Telling you your stomach looks bad now is just nasty. As for wanting you to put the weight back on because he thought you looked better that way - doesn't he care about your own self esteem, of the health consequences of being overweight?
Your comment about facebook makes it sound like he just cruises the site for attractive women, I hope I'm interpreting it wrongly.
And his friends made fun of you when you were bigger - I hope he defended you and didn't join in, that's horrible.

Marieboo2

I have told him that if nothing else it's for my health, I was getting out of breath going up stairs, couldn't play football with my son. But he thinks it's to attract other men. Tbh couldn't be further from the truth.

I do feel more confident but his constant nagging is starting to eat into that. He brought home McDonald's food last night, when I wouldn't eat any he said I was being ridiculous and went to bed in a mood.
Then he told me I look so awful that I have "run out of my uses" it's depressing.
If I were to talk to him like this, he could easily lose weight , he's in the high 20s stone wise. But I accept he's not ready to do that and so I would never put him down.
Just a pity the same respect can't be shown to me really.

Marieboo2

No he said nothing when his friends made fun, just mens banter apparently. It was so bad it made me cry ( I never do that) and he told me I was pathetic and needed help.

As for Facebook, he doesn't know I can see what he looks at, he constantly checks out woman's profiles, going through their pics etc, always when I'm out of the room or in bed. But if I were to confront him it would be in some way my fault he does that too.