My stag do issue: advice please

Kynthia

Don't invite people who aren't your friends just to make the numbers up. Then tell your best man that he's being selfish and trying to arrange a night that he will enjoy when it's your night. Warn your real friends so that you can leave the others and go where you planned if things go off track.

pmlindyloo

Personally I would cancel the whole thing. There is absolutely no way that these lads will attend and not do their own thing. Some people have no idea how awful their plans are to others and when you get these 'types' (sorry) of lads together, a few drinks and egging each other on, things will soon turn into a complete disaster. If you don't take part there could be a nasty 'scene'.

To be honest the statement 'you'll just have to take it' says it all.

OK, they may rib you afterwards and even think you're a bit weird but hey, sticks and stones and all that.

You might have to invent some excuse not to go now - is there some family you can visit and have a quiet drink?

PS. Change your best man!

paddy's_mum

I completely understand why you feel hurt.

It's because you have just discovered that your friend isn't your friend.

RuthnJasper

I feel for you Lucifer, seriously. Your original plans sound great and, like others who have responded, the idea of baying hordes of out-of-control c*ckwombles hooting at strippers and drinking until they pass out is my idea of a night out in hell.

Tell your best man (oh, the irony) that you have financially committed to the restaurant and blues club and you can't afford to lose your deposit. And don't let your drink out of your sight.

It is possible that he is just winding you up. But this is your night out - for you; not for the idiots who are causing you frets.

Also - and I don't want to make you worry; I'm sure it'll be ok - maybe get one of your trustworthy friends to subtly check out the best man's speech prior to the do. The daughter of my parents' neighbours (fairly religious people) got married about 10 years ago and the best man's speech mostly consisted of filthy jokes interspersed with s*xual comments about their daughter and intimate details of her bedroom activities with her fiance. The bride's mother was reduced to tears (and not happy ones). It wasn't pleasant. But something like this must be quite rare - it might be that your best man wouldn't dream of stitching you up in front of everyone, but is prepared to be a t*t when it's lads-only.

I hope you have a great night out, the way you mean it to be, and a very lovely wedding. x

engineer_amy

Yes, a quiet word with the best man about your wishes is best to start off with, see how he reacts. I think if you explain about the depressive episodes rather than just saying "I don't want to do it" he should accept your plans. At least - a good friend would.


I organised my sister's hen - we had a sophisticated trip to Paris, just the bride, bridesmaids and mothers, 6 of us. Sightseeing, shopping and Moulin Rouge show. (we both love the theatre) Then we had to do a more traditional night back home for all her friends and colleagues. Neither of us like clubbing, hate dance music and don't drink much. The bride is 38 so definitely wasn't looking for a wild night. I organised a local restaurant/bar, meal for 26 girls with a few cocktails, met the DJ the day before and gave him a playlist of her favourite music to play throughout the night, and booked 2 male strippers to do a 45 min show. (she did ask for a stripper BTW)
So many of her friends were trying to force shots down her throat, saying "its a hen party, you have to get drunk", some wanted to know which lamp post we were tying her to, and others wanted to go on into the city and do a pub crawl. I was firm with them and told them that this is what the bride wanted and we weren't going to humiliate her. In the end, she had a fantastic night, went home at 1.30am a little tipsy and some good memories of time spent with friends.


I personally think your idea is perfect for you and you shouldn't be dragged into what your friends think you should be doing.

BlondeHeadOn

I'd cancel the stag night completely, and re-arrange a quiet meal and blues club outing with your 3 non-work friends - but only if you trust them not to go all laddish on your too! Otherwise why not ditch the convention altogether, and have a quite meal and blues club outing with your fianc!e, that sounds like a lovely way to relax before the wedding day.

Sod convention: when I got married there were no stag/hen do questions because we got married without telling anyone and then threw a big party that evening and announced it then! It was great fun, and we had a really lovely time and absolutely no hassle!

It's your life, your wedding, do it your way.

Fireflyaway

Speak to your best man and tell him seriously how you feel and that you would be very upset if he didn't follow your plans and outline the reasons and the seriousness. If he is a true friend he will listen and follow what you say and also be by your side to stop anyone else making you feel uncomfortable.

Its your stag do and its your night to enjoy. If he does stuff knowing you won't enjoy it, then I would question how much of a good friend he is. How is it funny to humiliate someone and ruin their night? Not at all.

If you think he won't listen ( especially if he gets drunk etc.) or if too many others will get carried away - I would cancel it for peace of mind. Its not fair to be worrying the whole time. Instead you could invite just a few good friends that know its going to be a quiet get together before your wedding. Tell them they are invited to a meal - don't call it a stag do. Once people hear stag do they start getting crazy ideas!

I didn't have a hen do for the same reason. I hate loud places and I don't do drinking or dancing or late nights. I went to a spa with my mum! Not saying you want to go to a spa but you know what I mean !

engineer_amy

BlondeHeadOn wrote: »

Sod convention: when I got married there were no stag/hen do questions because we got married without telling anyone and then threw a big party that evening and announced it then! It was great fun, and we had a really lovely time and absolutely no hassle!

It's your life, your wedding, do it your way.

Love this so much. im not big on marriage, but if I ever got married, I would do something similar. The amount of hassle and stress that my sister went through, organising favours and table decoration, which most people have forgotten about by now.

RuthL

My husband ended up in a similar situation thanks to my own brother. He sound quite similar to you, not a big drinker, hates to be embarrassed and not the centre of attention type. So it was arranged to have a meal in a good restaurant, invited were friends, my brother, his stepdad and my stepdad.
Unknown to anyone else my brother had decided to get a stripper and not the "classy" or funny type. My husband was humiliated in front of everyone by her and arrived home to me in tears and he is not the crying type!
My advice to you would be to stand up for yourself now before the whole night is ruined, it's your night and not for everyone else to live out their fantasies (my brother never got a stripper for his).

967stuart

OP, I was in the same boat as you.
In the end, I decided to just go with the flow.
Everyone had a blast (me too!)
Why are you stressing so much? It's a night to have fun, act a bit foolish and get merry (or smashed!)

Don't over analyze it. It's just a night out with the lads.

I'm sure once you're out and have had a few drinks, you wont be bothered.