My stag do issue: advice please

lucifersangel87

Hey all,

I'm getting married on 29th August and my stag do is this coming Friday. I had everything planned pretty much, because the best man was a bit slow on the uptake.

I'm of a more traditional vein, and i'm a shy person, I don't like a lot of fuss, and I really don't drink much at all.

Therefore, I had organised to go for a meal in Shoreditch at a decent steak restaurant, followed by a booking at a local blues club. Nice, simple, quiet. I was even prepared to have a few more beers than usual and stay out beyond 10pm (usually i'm fast on by 9.30)

I got called in by my best man for a 'pep talk' today, stating basically that he's changed the plans, i'll have to be prepared to get humiliated, and to just take it in jest. I know that this is seen as the done thing but I really do not want to take part in what he's suggesting which is "go to a few places" - meaning strip joints - and that I'll have something to wear which will be non-negotiable.

What can I do? The idea of getting dragged around strip clubs makes me feel physically sick, I really do NOT want a hangover the size of cornwall, and what's more - I really really really want to just sit back, and enjoy the bands playing with a few beers and some good friends without having to watch my back for something awful to happen.

Even worse - I suffer from depression, and I'm afraid that they'll inadvertantly trigger a depressive episode which I will not be in control of.

I don't want to say no and cancel the whole stag do, but likewise I don't want it to turn into something worthy of a C4 documentary.

Any ideas or help would be really appreciated. I'm currently very worried and need to find a way out of this.

Thanks

Mojisola

lucifersangel87 wrote: »

Therefore, I had organised to go for a meal in Shoreditch at a decent steak restaurant, followed by a booking at a local blues club. Nice, simple, quiet. I was even prepared to have a few more beers than usual and stay out beyond 10pm (usually i'm fast on by 9.30)

I got called in by my best man for a 'pep talk' today, stating basically that he's changed the plans, i'll have to be prepared to get humiliated, and to just take it in jest. I know that this is seen as the done thing but I really do not want to take part in what he's suggesting which is "go to a few places" - meaning strip joints - and that I'll have something to wear which will be non-negotiable.

I think you need to have a serious talk with your best man. You arranged what you wanted. He must know you well enough to realise that you'd hate the changes he wants to make.

Are any of your other mates reliable enough to support you if things turn bad - call a taxi and make a quick exit?

fairy_lights

lucifersangel87 wrote: »

I got called in by my best man for a 'pep talk' today, stating basically that he's changed the plans, i'll have to be prepared to get humiliated, and to just take it in jest. I know that this is seen as the done thing but I really do not want to take part in what he's suggesting which is "go to a few places" - meaning strip joints - and that I'll have something to wear which will be non-negotiable.

What can I do? The idea of getting dragged around strip clubs makes me feel physically sick, I really do NOT want a hangover the size of cornwall, and what's more - I really really really want to just sit back, and enjoy the bands playing with a few beers and some good friends without having to watch my back for something awful to happen.

Even worse - I suffer from depression, and I'm afraid that they'll inadvertantly trigger a depressive episode which I will not be in control of.

Tell him what you've written here, that the whole strip club/silly costume/drunken humiliation thing is really not for you and that you wouldn't enjoy the night at all if you had to do that sort of thing. No decent friend would put you at risk of a depressive episode just for the sake of a night out, and if he is insistent then I would be looking for a new best man.

I think your idea of a night at a steak house and a blues club sounds fantastic!

Pollycat

I would feel exactly the same as you.

Seeing crowds of giggly girls with blow up penises makes me cringe.

So - you have already organised your own stag do.
Have all the people you've invited accepted the format & venue?
If they have, I would tell your best man that you have already made arrangements and have no intention of changing them.

He should (if he's your best man) know the type of person you are and probably be aware of your depression - tell him that the type of evening he has (belatedly) planned is not the thing you would enjoy and you would find it very stressful and not find it remotely funny.

Tell him it's non-negotiable.

Andypandyboy

I agree with the above. Why is it stag do organisers feel the need to follow this kind of inane concept? Few people actually enjoy this type of thing, your idea sounds much more civilised. Your best man is probably coming under pressure from workmates/other friends when he has told them about the plans.

Do you have anyone who could intervene and help you stand up to him? Failing that just tell him straight that if he tries to take the evening off course you will simply go home, and do it. Maybe your fiancee could have a few choice words with him?

My niece had a similar experience on her hen night, it was hijacked by a friend who thought she would take it down another route. My niece said no thanks and called a cab and went home.

lucifersangel87

Thanks for all the responses so far.
He knows what i'm like, but I do know he's quite a lad when it comes to it. I also think that there has been an element of coersion from colleagues at work.

The problem is that only 3 of my outside-work friends can come, and the grand sum of the party will be made up of people from work. They are all 'lads lads' who this idea will probably be bob-on for.

However, the fact that I have gone from loving the idea of my stag do, to hating the very thought of it, is probably a sign that I will not enjoy it even if I do go along with it.

I'm going to be point blank refusing to wear any stupid outfit they provide, and i'm sorry but telling me "you're not allowed to have a sense-of-humour failure" is really a winner... not!

At least i'm not alone in my frustrations.

(Anyone here who wishes to come along to the original evening format, by the way, is more than welcome!!!!)

I think I need to have some really candid and honest conversations with my best man and explain that should things deviate into uncharted territory, I will be walking back to the hotel and leaving them to do whatever the heck they like without dragging me through the mud on the way....

Just really quite hurt that he would do that to me.

bagpussbear

I do feel for you.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with your best man, but do you think he will take you seriously ? I'm worried he might just make all the right sounds about keeping it a low key affair, and then drag you on the night itself into something you really hate.

I can imagine why you feel hurt :-(

Mojisola

bagpussbear wrote: »

I think you need to have a serious conversation with your best man, but do you think he will take you seriously ? I'm worried he might just make all the right sounds about keeping it a low key affair, and then drag you on the night itself into something you really hate.

I would also be very careful about your drinks being spiked - "to get you into the spirit of the stag-do".

amistupid

Think positive. The worst thing that can happen is them stripping you naked and duct taping you to a lamp post. Anything less than that is a bonus.

*max*

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

I feel for you, as the whole "lads on tour" stag do is my idea of a nightmare too. I think the evening you have arranged sounds PERFECT!

You need to talk to your friend, and be very assertive. Make it clear that you will not be doing what he proposed, you will be doing what you have planned, and if he tries to turn it into a cringe-fest, you will have a word. This is YOUR night, you should be allowed to do whatever you fancy! It's terrible that you were so looking forward to it, and he has squashed your enthusiasm and overshadowed the planning. I really hope you end up having the fab night you have planned and enjoy yourself! Be assertive!

TBagpuss

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding.

I agree that step one is to speak to your best man. Tell him what you told us, and also that whatever he may think, the changes will ot be enjoyable for you, and that if he tries to deviate from the plan you will be leaving,without further discussion.

Consider sending n e-mail round to the other people who have accepted, saying that are aware that it's been suggested that you do stuff differently from what was planned, that while you appreciate their wish to show you a good time, the original plans are perfect and that it is important to you that the evening goes as originally planned.
If they push back, don't be afraid to use stronger language - "why are you trying to ruin my stag party?" "Why would you try to wreck the perfect night out?" They may be assuming that *of course* you'd want to go to a strip club and that you are not serious when you say you don't, so you may need to be assertive.
And do tell them that you will be leaving and returning to the hotel if they can't respect your wishes.

If there is anyone who you feel is more likely that the others to back you up, it may be worth talking to them ahead of time and asking them to back you up if you have to make your point.

I hope your best man will listen to you.