Battling Debt and Mental Illness — and (hopefully) Winning!

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks Selene that makes me feel a lot better! And a little "aw, shucks" if you know what I mean

Had bad feedback on another order yesterday — a client expected me to be a mind reader and didn't outline his expectations, then complained that the CV draft wasn't what he wanted. And thought it was appropriate to complain to management before giving me a chanceto redraft the CV. I will post a polite but direct reply once I stop seething...

Keeping it in persepctive: it's 3 complaints out of 29 orders. Still outweighed by people who seem especially pleased with my services. Perhaps I would feel better about these w**kers if I took more orders, so they would constitute an even tinier percentage.

My other strategy is to focus on the writing I want to do — CV work is a stopgap and I want to eventually earn a living through fiction (and selective articles and blogging), with my medium term goal being earning a living through copywriting and related services. Why should I care what a few horrible people think when I don't plan on staying in the job for longer than 6-12 months?

I have drawn up a list of goals for this summer:
1. Read web design and coding books, since a basic understanding will help me work on my own websites and could lead to me providing basic web design services to supplement copywriting
2. Read my dad's book on digital photography (I bought it for him ages ago anc don't think he's read it, so I might as well!) to prepare for OU course
3. Create a website for the skittle league for which my dad is secretary — he's wanted to do it for ages, but there's no budget to hire a professional so I will do it for a small fee and to boost my portfolio
4. Revamp my own websites
5. Complete and publish the ebook I'm working on
6. Finish the novel to a high standard (currently rewriting)
7. Get down to 200lb — losing weight has been on the back burner, so I want to give it a kick start
8. Save at least £500 — and pay for the £200 photography course
9. Get my dad to take a professional looking profile pic of me, when my bleached hair has grown out (there's still a good few inches, despite my having it cut into a chin length bob)

In other news, I went to the doctor today and have officially reduced my medication back to what ti was! My doctor was ill, so I had to see someone I'd never met before and it was the first time I have been to the doctor without my mum for ages.... But it went great She agreed with me that it's the right choice to make right now, though of course I will monitor any changes.

It's a relief, especially as I mentioned it to my Working Links advisor on Friday and she took the opposite view — that I should keep taking the higher dosage in case reducing it undoes my hard work. However, I know my own body and mind, plus I haven't noticed any bad changes over the past few weeks since I stopped taking the evening dose. Taking the higher dosage helped me to access the help I needed at the start of this year, but I'm over the hump now and have lots of self-help in place after counselling had a really positive impact.

I'm trying not to stress about money, but I don't know when I will get paid so it's difficult to make plans. I currently owe my mum around £150 and have £230 in my current account, with £200 due on Monday, but I need to cover this month's £280 standing order and to make sure I have next month's in place before the 17th when it goes out. I should get £30 from GTM soon, which will help. I suppose I should embrace the uncertainty as part of being self-employed. And remind myself that I still have a £500 EF, even if I don't want to use it.

I have read Real Confidence this week, which is published by Psychologies magazine, and it's very helpful. One of the key points is that action reduces anxiety, so I have decided to try and concentrate on doing stuff to tackle my stress and anxiety. Let's see if it works....

crazy_cat_lady

Sounds as though you're really doing well at the moment ABA - you have some big plans ahead and I'm pleased for you. You're completely right to focus on the positives. You can't please all of the people all of the time and all that....

AspiringButAnxious

Hello everyone! :wave:

It feels like months since I've been on here, but I see my last post was actually less than 2 weeks ago... Obviously I survived my eye operation it's taking longer to heal than anticipated, but I have been able to read better over the past couple of dayd. The vision in my right eye is still pretty foggy though, so please forgive me if I make more typos than usual

Of course, the eye situation means I haven't been able to do any work over the past 2 weeks. I had hoped to stay on esa for another 2-3 weeks, but my Working Links advisor is desperate to get me onto tax credits this week so that I will receive the highest amount as assessed under either the old system or the new. I know she's looking out for my best interests, but I can't help feeling pressured. Sure, I might be better off in the long term, but it will make me worse off in the short term and my cashflow situation is really tricky at the moment.

My manager has been awesome and told me not to worry about meeting my minimum orders as agreed on my contract (25 per month) at the moment, which is a huge relief. Not working means not earning, of course, but it's a relief to know I won't be fired while I'm recovering. I have had a bad cought and chest, which my brother decided to give to the whole household, so that has added extra challenges. I think the effects of the anaesthetic haven't been too bad this time, but I have been getting bad headaches — probably because I try to read too much!

There's not much other news. My SO went out as usual, so I have now paid off over 14% of my debt. Unfortunately, I owe my mum a lot from shopping (probably not much under £200 by now) but am holding off because of the cashflow situation. My credit card balance is zero though and I have £169 in my current account, which will get me most of the way towards my £280 SO for next month and I should get paid this week, so hopefully I will get through with comparatively few problems.

The only other news I have is that I appear to have made the longlist for a short story competition — they can't release the names yet, because they haven't selected the winners, but unless someone else happens to have submitted a story with the exact same title as mine (and it's not very generic, like The Secret or Falling for You), I'm on it. This is great news, but it would be fabulous to get on the shortlist — and incredible to be placed — so fingers crossed!

crazy_cat_lady

Hi ABA :hello:
Pleased to hear the op went ok and that you're hanging on in there.
Massive congratulations on getting onto the longlist :j

reality_check

Hi ABA,

I have been reading your diary from the start for the past few days so just wanted to pop by and say hey!

I think you are doing wonderful and reading your diary has opened my eyes, I do think I float around life with my eyes half open and rose tinted spectacles on.

I have never fully understood how a mental health illness can really impact someone, I genuinely used to just think oh for goodness sake just smile and be happy, there are far worse people in the world...but reading your diary and daily struggles than you can sometimes be faced with like having the energy to have a shower, go a walk etc it has really made me stop and think and you really are doing amazing!

Just think if this is how you are doing not feeling 100% imagine what you will be like when you just keep on getting better.

I hope you don't think my message was rude or offensive, it definitely wasn't meant to be...just incase it is taken the wrong way.

Hope you're on the mend after the eye op, and congratulations on saying goodbye to 14% of your debt!!

Good luck with your journey, I am going to subscribe and cheer you on xx

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks guys I'm really glad I've taught you some stuff about mental illness, reality check — that's one of my main aims in life

I'm super stressed at the moment. I haven't received a payment from my CV work, though I was warned there are sometimes delays — trouble is, I'm worried in case I haven't done something I'm supposed to do and was going to contact them today to check, but the website is down. Grrrr! My cashflow situation is really tricky atm and my response to feeling stressed last week was to buy loads of ebooks, which is obviously not a great idea. Most of the books are business-related, so I think they might count as an investment...

I'm questioning my ability to support myself. I spent the last couple of days updating my website to make it more of a freelance writing platform and intend to put a lot more effort into marketing my business. My medium term goal is to earn a living from copywriting projects, so I need to build a client base asap. My confidence issues and anxiety get in the way, but I hope to be able to work through them.

Today hasn't been very productive so far. I slept really badly last night, despite having a great afternoon out with my 2 best friends (bought a magazine aimed at small businesses and found a pound coin on the pavement, which I hope was a good omen!). I did fill in the tax credit form last night though — well, actually my mum filled in most of it because my sight is still a bit foggy and gets worse in the evenings. Just feel cast adrift atm. Can't feel happy or relieved about achieving my goal of getting off benefits because I'm so scared and anxious.

Putting things into perspective:
• I will get paid at some point
• The CV work should tide me over
• I can delay my SO to my parents; they won't throw me out of the house or anything
• I have £500 in my EF if things get really desperate
• I have £213 in my current account, which covers the £96 now on my cc
• I intend to do a car boot sale and hopefully earn some extra cash (maybe in June)
• I'm generally feeling better than I have for ages, despite the stress

Actually, I think I've mentioned it before, but feeling stressed is often a good sign in my life: it means I'm being proactive and making changes. It also means I'm not very depressed, because I don't care enough to be stressed during my worst episodes of depression. Silver linings!

AspiringButAnxious

Still haven't been paid :mad: The office manager is supposed to be chasing it up.

Trouble is, I'm reluctant to work on CVs when I haven't been paid yet. I did my research and am pretty sure the company is legitimate, but it's hard to trust them.

I'm stressed and my mum keeps going on about it, stressing over when or if I'll get paid and how little CV work I have done over the past few weeks. It doesn't help my state of mind, but I'm staying afloat.

So I have been whipping my website into shape and reading LOADS about running my business. Just need to put it into action...

I have gotten some good news: I'm on the short list for one of the comps I entered. They are deciding winners a week today and it would be awesome if I get placed, but I'm thrilled just to be on teh shortlist :j

scubaangel

Hope you get paid soon, nothing worse than a company being slow with whats owed! Understandable that you're wary about doing more work until payment for what you've done already.

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks scuba I do wonder if I'm shooting myself in the foot by being reluctant to do more CV work atm, but until I'm sure I will get paid for the work I do, it seems like a waste of time.

I'm feeling more pressured and paying for the photography course is off the table for now, which is disappointing. The amount left in my current account should cover my website renewals, so that's one major concern covered. Trouble is, I owe my mum around £200 plus my monthly rent and loan payment of £280.

I have £12 in my savings pot and my birthday is a week on Friday (actually, today is the date I was due to be born!) so I will get some money then. It was going to be a challenging situation even if I got paid on time, so it's difficult for me atm. Hopefully I will receive tax credits, but I won't be getting the money anytime soon even if I'm eligible, since it takes several weeks to go through.

I'm hoping to be able to sell some stuff over the next couple of months — I have some figurines I inherited from my grandmother which I don't like, which should fetch at least £80. I also plan to do a car boot sale to see if I can offload some of the many books I don't want anymore, plus some other bits and bobs.

I'm trying to feel more secure in the fact that my parents won't chuck me out or anything, but the mounting debt is stressing me out — it's undoing some of my hard work over the past year — and my mum's stressing is making me feel worse. The anxiety is creeping up again, but I guess that's natural for anyone in my position, mental health issues or not.

reality_check

Hey ABA, me again!

I was wondering if you could help me... My sister needs help with drafting some work and a CV being made and I remembered all about your diary!! Can you point me in the direction of any reputable websites (I have just read about your being paying saga though...nightmare!!) or even PM if you don't mind! xx