Battling Debt and Mental Illness — and (hopefully) Winning!

AspiringButAnxious

Still feeling low on energy and motivation... Been chipping away at CV orders, but still got 10 more to do over 8 days. Should be fine, but I find it very uncomfortable. I have had some great feedback, so feeling a little more confident about my abilities.

Went on the treadmill for the first time in months yesterday. Only did a mile, but managed 5 continuous minutes of running without pushing too hard, which is better than I expected. Had some twinges in my right heel, but no major pain. Plan to have another session tomorrow and aim to do 2/3 sessions a week, taking it easy but improving a little each time. It felt really good to be running again — it clears my head like nothing else.

Blogged on Tuesday evening, but other writing has been neglected. Meh.

Asked my bff if she would like to go to a dance class with me, in a town that's roughly halfway between us — she's up for it! It's a big step for me and the plan is to start in June, as I have an eye operation next month and by the time I feel more human after that, it will be my short story course at the end of May. I think it will be easier to start when I can do it for weeks/months without skipping a class, plus my finances should have made the transition from esa to just work (and possibly tax credits) by then, so it will be easier to budget.

I want to focus on improving my energy/motivation and confidence over the next few months. I have my eye on a couple of ebooks which might help, but they cost £18 (together, not each) and I have already spent more than intended this month. Could I count them as investments....?

misstara

Hi ABA, yay to the great feedback on the CVs. Well done on getting back into running, I've just signed myself up for a 5k and so ran for the first time in about 8 months earlier in the week. It was hard going but definitely felt better afterwards. The dance class sounds fun

Huskyrunner

running will help big style i have cyclothymia and if i dont go running 2-3 days i week my symptoms worsen.

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks guys Had some heel pain in my right foot at the end of last week, so decided to delay my next treadmill session — thinking Friday atm.

Still chipping away at work: 2 orders which need completing today, plus another 2 orders to meet my monthly minimum. Did very little over the weekend, because I was exhausted and spent a lot of time with my mum and reading. Still very tired — for every hour of work I do, I spend about 3 hours worrying/stressing. I think people who have never experienced anxiety don't realise how much time and energy it uses up; it's not simply a case of me being calm enough to get the work done.

I got some Amazon vouchers from SB and OpOP, which meant I could buy the book I wanted on confidence without spending any "real" money. It's already changing my perspective and I'm only a few pages in!

I went to an Enterprise Club for 2 hours yesterday, which was terrifying but great once I got into it. There were only three of us — the business adviser and another woman — which was far less intimidating. We both had similar issues, so discussed marketing and finding the confidence to market ourselves. I have loads of new ideas, so just need to organise them into a plan and then do them. I want to publicise my ebooks more (i.e. at all) and do freelance writing work — I think I will focus on targeting local small businesses who need help with creating web content.

I'm feeling much better than I did a few days ago. I need to remind myself that I'm making a huge transition and it's bound to feel uncomfortable. I mean, people without mental health problems would feel nervous about starting a new job and running their own business.

In the spirit of continuous improvement, I have booked my next doctor's appointment at a time when I will have to go on my own. It will be the first time I have seen a doctor without my mum for at least 2/3 years and the first time with this particular doctor, since it's only been 18 months since he took over from my last GP who retired. Side note: he's younger than me, which feels really weird. I suppose I was used to my previous GP, who I had since birth, who is ten years or so older than my parents.

I have also decided to do an Open University course in Digital Photography. I have had great past experiences with the OU and the course entitles me to a certificate from the Royal Photographic Society. It's 10 weeks long and costs £200. The next starting date is October, which suits me very well. I enjoy taking photos but have little technical skill, so the course will be both useful and fun. It will also complement my writing work — I could provide professional quality photos with articles and web content. I could also actually add images to my own website, which would probably be a good idea...

Making plans is exciting and scary, but I guess that's how I know I'm going in the right direction!

crazy_cat_lady

ABA - it sounds as though you're doing brilliantly. You have all these plans, and are extending your comfort zone all of the time. I'm really pleased for you - keep going! xxx

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks CCL Just wish I felt a little more reassured that everything is going well... I need to trust myself more and listen to the people who support and encourage me.

As of 2:30am, I hit my monthly minimum orders for work So feel a little more relaxed today, but am annoyed with myself for not doing much so far. When I'm not doing CV work, I should be working on my other writing/business projects, but my energy has been low this week. The business advisor I met on Tuesday has emailed me some really useful resources, including a marketing plan template, so I need to develop some strategies over the weekend and stop procrastinating.

I haven't managed to find the motivation to post on my blog yet this week, let alone do anything else constructive. I need to get my act together, because my Working Links appointment is a week tomorrow and the plan is to stop claiming esa on that very day. I'm nervous and scared, but also excited — I veer between wanting to cling to the security of benefits and wanting to stop them ASAP so that I can be more independent and get on with my life.

crazy_cat_lady

One thing at a time missus. Stop focusing on the things that you haven't done and celebrate the things that you have done. You've made your minimum work quota, got your vouchers, enterprise club, booking appointments. That's fantastic progress as far as I'm concerned. You will always have good days and bad, we all do - just enjoy the good and ride through the bad.
I think you're fabulous.

Orange_Ena

I agree with CCL, look at all the positive things you've achieved. There's so much progress from when you first started your diary, don't forget that. And this next chapter (chapter....geddit? ) is about to begin, it's all so exciting. You can do it ABA! Feel the fear and do it anyway

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks guys

This week has limped along... Was hoping to be able to come off esa today, but decided to stick to original plan and do it in 2 weeks. Got my eye operation on Wednesday, so it's probably for the best.

Not done much work — just 3 orders and it's been a struggle to get through them. Also got a message from a client today, complaining about his order not being delivered within the express deadline (not my fault, since it had already passed when I took the order) 3 weeks ago and that there was a typo on the CV. I'm kicking myself over the typo — I should have picked it up — but it was a single mistake out of the entire order (a CV, additional CV and cover letter) and I would have fixed it straight away of the client had gotten in touch. Trying to keep all of this in perspective: I have had 2 really horrible responses out of 28 orders. I assume the client found everything except the typo adequate and I'm just being over-sensitive. Hard not to be when clients are aggressive though.

Added £7 to my savings pot today and spent too much on junk food again this week, but that's the only money new I have. There are some ebooks I want to get, but I'm holding off atm and got £2.75 from OpOp so it's not too bad if I succumb to getting one. Also got enough GTM points for a £30 payout, but having trouble longing in on my iPad so not been able to order yet.

I really am trying to focus on what's going well (promise!) but it's a constant struggle. Having said that, stress is kind of a good sign for me, because it means I'm working towards my goals. Just need to keep it down at a healthy level. I guess I shall keep going...

-Selene

Hi ABA,

I've just read your diary from the start and I wanted to say how inspirational you are. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety last year, recently went onto ESA, and write as a hobby, so a lot of what you've written really resonates with me.

Please don't worry about that typo, it was one typo out of three pieces of work and easy to correct; we're all human and make mistakes. Like you said, 26 of your customers were happy, and that's more important.

Good luck with your eye operation; I hope things go well.