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I WILL get there!!
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kirtsypoos wrote: »Thanks both - I was utterly shocked myself. It was a few months ago now but still plays on my mind regularly. In OHs mind it happened, he apologised and that should be it done with but I'm not quite so ready or able to forgive and forget...
We are off to a caravan park tomorrow until Monday with a group of friends so I'm really looking forward to thathopefully we get along all weekend...
I'm waiting for relate to call back to arrange our initial consultation, fingers crossed it's not too far away.
Have a nice weekend Kirsty. Hope you can work it out." Your vibe attracts your tribe":D
Debt neutral27/03/17 from £40k:eek: in the hole 2012.
Roadkill 17 £56.58 2016-£62.28 2015- £84.20)
RYSAW17 £1900 2016 £2,535.16 2015 £1027.200 -
Enjoy your weekend away Kirsty. You deserve a good one
Fingers crossed that you hear back from Relate soon and that you and your OH can move forward. I wouldn't expect you to forget that, but maybe they will help you to put it behind you and move on. We all have our stuff to deal with and I'm always amazed to find out that people aren't as perfect as I imagine them to be. I'm officially a grown up but I feel like a huffy toddler a lot of the time. Apparently people see a lot of things in me that I don't seem to see in myself.
Anyway - got all a bit deep and meaningful there - sorry. You get on and have a fantastic weekend away with your friends. And have a couple of drinks for me please!Not giving up
Working hard to pay off my debt
Time to take back control
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6290156/crazy-cat-lady-chapter-5-trying-to-recover-from-the-pandemic/p1?new=10 -
Thanks all!
I really want to work on us, and get us back to where I know we can be, it's just difficult - my paranoia and doubt have reached new heights recently so I need to work on that.
I called relate again tonight (have already pre-registered and paid the first session fee to reserve a space) but they've got no available appointments when we need them (because of work etc we really need a monday or wednesday evening - it takes OH an hour to get home from work so we are quite specific) but they won't book more than 1 week in advance which is really frustrating! The woman tonight suggested taking the day off work to attend - extra money worries really won't help either of us!
I really can't wait to spend time away though, I'm sure it will be great....even if OH and I aren't exactly doing well I know I'll have a great time with my friends.:j PAID VERY, Barclaycard x3, Vanquis, Natwest, O/D, Tesco & MBNA x2 PAID :j LBM 24/07/15 - Original Debt: £0/31010.23 (100% paid) :eek:
Mortgage - £151.316.54 :eek:0 -
I've just been catching up with your diary and sorry to read things have been tough again. Hoping you have a lovely relaxing break away. And a very belated happy birthday :bdaycake:Debt Apr 15 - £6895.44
Apr 17 - £2500
Dec 17 - £560
July 18 - £199
CHEFS challenge (Cruise Holiday Entirely Funded by Surveys) - £685.79
Every penny is a prisoner0 -
Don't know whether your going today or tomorrow but enjoy your weekend away x12/04/2019
Savings £134 nothing changed here
Credit Score 134/700 - Jan. 171/700 - Feb. 151/700 - Mar.0 -
Thank you all - I had what was surprisingly a mostly lovely weekend. I say surprisingly because of Fridays turn of events....
I've thought long and hard about whether I want this info in the public domain as it were, as it's humiliating and I'm not making this public knowledge in RL at the moment but this is my diary and this is my life, so I want to be open and honest with myself as much as anyone else.
On Friday morning I woke up to a message from someone telling me I needed to check OHs phone. It obviously played on my mind, particularly given the circumstances I was talking about last week so I checked his phone. The old me would never have done that but the paranoid and suspicious me couldn't stop myself after reading that message.
I was absolutely devastated to find the KIK app on his phone which had conversations with about 30-40 women on. All sexual conversations. I didn't read too many as it made me feel sick to my stomach but I couldn't help but read a few. To be honest I just couldn't believe what I was reading. He was in the shower so I put his phone back and sat and waited for him to get out.
Told him not to bother getting his stuff together for our weekend away, packed my stuff and left. I was completely numb when I left, went to a friends house to pick her up ready to go and ended up in a state. OH rang me at that point and he was in such a state about me leaving I said I'd go back to talk for a bit.
My friend asked me if I was sure that it was over, and I honestly didn't know. I still don't if I'm 100% honest. I knew that if I went away and he stayed at home I'd spend the whole weekend worrying about what he was getting up to in our house etc etc, so I told him to come but that we'd be in separate rooms.
We went to Skegness on Sunday and had some time without anyone else around and talked and talked. Got home on Monday and talked for another 4 hours.
At this point I still have no idea what I think about it all. I'm alternating between wanting to go to my parents and never come back, and getting myself in a state at the thought it's actually over. I'm a bit lost.
He says he has never physically met any of them, or even knows who they are. Part of me believes him, but I don't know if that's wishful thinking. He said it's a rush for him, and that he couldn't stop. He deleted the app a few times but just ended up re-downloading it. He's been back on to the counselling people and I think he needs help. Even if we aren't together he needs to sort this out.
We sat yesterday and wrote a few lists - rules for him if we can make it work, like me always knowing the password to his phone, him having no contact with the girl from work outside of work (she wasn't anything to do with this, but plays on my mind so tough luck for him) etc etc.
I just keep wondering if I'm enabling him - we worked through the pros and cons list, and then he went and did this, if I forgive this will he just keep doing these things because I've been a soft touch and forgiven him. Maybe he needs me to leave so he can sort himself out, but if I go, I won't be coming back.
Well this is a bit much for a debt free diary really isn't it?! Apologies if you're hoping to be inspired to make a start on becoming debt free, and instead you've happened upon my pity party!
I have to try and think of the positives anyway, and this weekend reminded me how many amazing and supportive people I have in my life. I only told 2 people what was going on, and kept a pretence up as best I could (only in terms of hiding the duvet and pillow from the sofa so people wouldn't question about why we were in separate rooms, I couldn't bring myself to look at him on Friday, let alone act normally) but people obviously cottoned on and were checking I was ok.
The friends I told have been a lot more accepting of whatever I decide than I expected. I half expected them to be vile to him, but they were normal with him and said they understand whichever choice I make and wouldn't influence me. Both said they think it's entirely possible he is addicted to the feeling of talking to someone new. I do get that it's new and exciting, and we aren't ever going to have that again but I would never do that to him so I can't understand it.
Anyway. I managed to slip under 9K on my natwest loan for the first timeconcentrating on the positives and making numerous lists - sticking to the things I'm good at, because it's obviously not relationships at the moment!
:j PAID VERY, Barclaycard x3, Vanquis, Natwest, O/D, Tesco & MBNA x2 PAID :j LBM 24/07/15 - Original Debt: £0/31010.23 (100% paid) :eek:
Mortgage - £151.316.54 :eek:0 -
Kirsty I can't believe it. You just couldn't make that up if you tried.
You said 'Go back to' councelling. As in he has a known issue in this department from before?
My first thought in all of this is why would have be chatting to all these women in that way. An addictive personality?
When I was 17 my then partner who was 30 who I lived with attacked me when he was drunk. I was devastated and left that night. I reported him to the police and went round to show my injuries to his parents too. So they knew that he needed help. Although his Dad wasn't very nice to me about it all. I don't see how bruises around the neck of a much smaller woman can ever be anything less than the guys fault but I digress.
I felt that feeling you are describing. Utter sickness that I still loved him. But could never go back. And I didn't. But it was agony just walking away from an 18 month relationship especially as we were living together.
I think for me I had a line and anything past that I physically could not accept. You have to make your own mind up about whether his behaviour has crossed that line or if there is a way back.
Love to you in sorting this out.
Bob" Your vibe attracts your tribe":D
Debt neutral27/03/17 from £40k:eek: in the hole 2012.
Roadkill 17 £56.58 2016-£62.28 2015- £84.20)
RYSAW17 £1900 2016 £2,535.16 2015 £1027.200 -
I'm sorry Kirsty. Of course you can say that here. I think the more we get into this the more we realise that our debts are totally tied into our finances. Out pouring here will help. Pleased for you that you didn't get any judgement from your friends and you could see and appreciate that for exactly what it was.
I don't think going to your parents for a few days is going to mean it's over forever. It will however give you some perspective and a chance to not have to look at him so you can focus on other things? Not that I'm telling you what to do. I just think that you want to but you think it would be giving up. There's no way you can be the person in the wrong on this xxxxLoan 1 £5200/£8000
Loan 2 £300/£5800
Total £5500/£138000 -
Debts are linked into our mental state. Sorry was interrupted mid post xLoan 1 £5200/£8000
Loan 2 £300/£5800
Total £5500/£138000 -
Oh Kirsty.... I am SO sorry to be reading this. I wish I knew what to say. Well, I know what to say to start with - of course you should be putting this on here. Yes, it's in the public domain, but it's your diary and we all need a place to vent. You're anonymous enough on here.
I'm trying to think of what to say to offer you support without trying to advise you or force my own opinion on you. It's entirely your decision to make as to where you go next, and you take as long as you need to in order to make that decision. I personally would agree with you in that once you go then there's no going back. To my mind if I made the decision that my relationship was over it would be because I could see no way forward any more - not time out as a possible solution. It may be though that you need time out and a few days away to get your thoughts and actions in gear.
I have mentioned this to my dh (he clocked the look on my face as I was reading this), and he has made the comment that he would feel more cheated if it were messages between one person rather than 30 or 40 and he has suggested that this could be a problem in the same way as gambling or alcohol if he has that type of personality. Who knew my own dh could be so deep? Not me, but I think it's a fair point he makes.
It has to be your decision though, as Bob says there is a line somewhere and only you know whether or not he has crossed it. If he's willing to be open and honest, and attend counselling etc, and you're willing to give it a try then fair enough. However, if you don't think you can trust him any more then that's also fair enough.
I really hope that you're doing as well as you can be given the circumstances. I'm so sorry that things are so rubbish at the moment for you. Please keep using the diary as a place to dump your thoughts, particularly if you're keeping it all to yourself in RL. Don't want your head exploding or you making yourself ill.Not giving up
Working hard to pay off my debt
Time to take back control
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6290156/crazy-cat-lady-chapter-5-trying-to-recover-from-the-pandemic/p1?new=10
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