I WILL get there!!

Desperate_to_be_debt_free

Big hugs to you kirstypoos, sorry to hear you and OH had a falling out. My OH is always very thoughtful with his gifts - NOT and have ended up having lots of 'practical' presents - lovely but practical.

It sounds as if you had a blast for your birthday so will have lots of lovely memories.

crazy_cat_lady

So pleased that you had a good birthday Kirsty - but sorry about the row with your OH. That sounds scarily familiar. We've been together for 14 years and I can still count on one hand the times he's bothered with birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day etc. He always thinks I'm being brattish but I am exactly the same as you - I'm not high maintenance, I'm just keen to know that people are thinking of me, and that I matter to them. He says it's all commercialised rubbish designed to make people spend money.
Hope that you manage to get it all sorted out.

Bobarella

Wow Kirsty your birthday sounds amazing. What sort of meat did you have the fillet from? I don't think I know anywhere that does exotic meat. And the spa too!

Sorry to hear about the row though. Hope you can work through it this week.

kirtsypoos

Thanks all we are getting on ok at the moment, fingers crossed it carries on for now. If only it was just thoughtlessness over my birthday, I think I could get my head around that but there's a lot of other things going on.

I called relate last night about counselling sessions but I'm not sure we can afford it - actually, I know we can't, but I don't know if we can afford not to if that makes sense?

DTBDF - for Xmas I got a dressing table, which was practical and thoughtful and I was absolutely made up with it....I just can't get over spending weeks and weeks planning my Christmas present and then for what I consider to be a milestone birthday, making no plans until 12 hours before?!

CCL - that's exactly it! He thinks I'm being demanding and a brat and I would just have liked some thought to go into it.

Bob - I just had boring steak I have had water buffalo before which I really liked, but they only had one of those and my Dad wanted to try it so I thought I'd just go for what I know I like. There's actually another restaurant which does exotic meats about 25 mins from our house, and all meals are BOGOF so I took OH one night and we had water buffalo and venison - it cost £22 for both main meals which I thought was a bargain for what we got - I wouldn't pay that for each meal but it's nice to try new things

crazy_cat_lady

Well it's my birthday tomorrow - and I've told him that I don't want anything other than a nice meal with him and the kids. However, we shall see if he manages to get as far as a birthday card.... Not holding my breath.
Counselling will work if you're both on board - my dh has never been so we haven't been. Sometimes you just need to both step back and remember why you're in the relationship. Real life isn't all happiness and roses and there will be plenty of downs as well as ups. As you know I had an awful weekend not long ago where things were looking decidedly shaky. However, we're working through it...
I know that there will be plenty of good reasons that you're together - it's not long since you bought the house so you're obviously committed to each other. It's just learning to accept differences and move on, or make the effort to make some changes (both of you - I am not apportioning blame to anyone). I hope that it works. Are you able to sit down and properly talk to each other? When dh won't or can't speak to me for whatever reason I write him a letter. Gets my point across without an argument.

kirtsypoos

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you on the card front! OH knows I love cards but he has to rebel - he has only started buying them this year but still has to make a stand - for my birthday I actually got a happy anniversary card...the way his mind works baffles me!

You are right, and I know we can get through the issues there are just a few things that need to happen.

He's a bit flaky with relationships - I don't doubt he loves me, but whenever things are difficult he thinks there must be someone better out there. I don't for a second think he has cheated, but I do know he has thought about it and that's very difficult for me to get my head around, and to trust him when we are having a bit of a bad patch. One of the people he had those thoughts about (and actually wrote a pros and cons list between me and her, which I happened to find - low point of my life) is someone he works with, so I find it horrendous to think about him sitting in an office laughing and joking with her everyday. He's desperately trying to find a new job but until that happens, it will always play on my mind.

Sorry, that's a lot of info - I've only discussed that with a few very close people, I've not mentioned it on here because I don't want people to think badly of him, but that is what we are up against and it isn't easy at the moment. Only time will tell I guess.

I have written him letters before and he pretty much ignored everything in it, but talking doesn't always work either - he just sits and lets me talk at him and nothing will be resolved like that.

He has said he would be happy to try counselling so I really want to try, I just hate jeopardising my DFD...but if anything is worth an extra month or 2, it's us.

I'm so pleased you and DH are working through things. It's been such a difficult few months for you but I'm sure you will come out the other side stronger than ever.

crazy_cat_lady

I think that if you're both prepared to try counselling then in my opinion it's worth postponing the dfd for a couple of months - it's your life together, and in my mind that is more important than ever.
Obviously I'm wary of passing any sort of judgement on your oh after what happened on my diary, but one thing I do know for sure is that everyone has their faults. I'm actually gobsmacked that he would do something like write a pros and cons list, and I really don't blame you for struggling to trust him. I would be exactly the same, and I confess to having my own trust issues recently. One thing he's clearly not considering though is that he doesn't know exactly what this other person is like - he lives with you, and works with her. 24/7 is a very different thing once you see every side to a person. It sounds to me that he has this thinking of every time you and he have a disagreement then that must be it, and there must be a better/easier/quieter life for him out there. He needs to learn that isn't the case and there will be good and bad with everything - the pros just have to outweigh the cons.
I think I would get onto Relate and get yourselves in there with someone completely impartial - it will be worth it. xxx

Bobarella

Kirsty - I cannot believe anyone would actually write a pros and cons list for 2 women in the first place but then to misplace it!

kirtsypoos

Thanks both - I was utterly shocked myself. It was a few months ago now but still plays on my mind regularly. In OHs mind it happened, he apologised and that should be it done with but I'm not quite so ready or able to forgive and forget...

We are off to a caravan park tomorrow until Monday with a group of friends so I'm really looking forward to that hopefully we get along all weekend...

I'm waiting for relate to call back to arrange our initial consultation, fingers crossed it's not too far away.

Desperate_to_be_debt_free

Hope you enjoy your time away.

Men can be so insensitive at times but you mustn't worry about how people will judge him - he's your choice of partner and if you want to be with him then you must explore all options. Good luck with relate.