I WILL get there!!

kirtsypoos

Thank you, I've been sat here welling up as I've read your messages.

He isn't in counselling at the moment Bob, he's still on a waiting list for his low moods but he decided to chase it up on Friday, without prompting which I took to be positive - it took months for him to call the counselling service even after the doctor suggested it. I found out that he has done this sort of thing before in a way, at the end of his last relationship he was talking to people online. He neglected to tell me this at the start, but has told me he sees it as the start of the problem, when things weren't going so well and he didn't know how to fix it, he started to look elsewhere rather than try. I'm really not sure if this has passed that line. I've always said that if I found out he had even kissed anyone else, we would be over in a heartbeat and I don't know how I feel about this. I do feel cheated, and hurt, upset and gutted that he has done it but it doesn't quite feel like he has actually cheated. My concern is more that if I let this go, will he actually cheat next time? All these questions going round and round with no real answers.

My heart tells me that it is some sort of addiction, the thrill of it making it something he feels compelled to do, but my head tells me to run. Well, at this time but I'm sure that will change in the next 5 minutes.

Thanks Kitten, I'm still torn about going to my parents but it would cause problems getting to and from work, not to mention the extra cost as they live an hour away and I can't take time off work. Coupled with the fact I'm not sure I want them to know, I don't think it's necessarily the best option but there are a couple of other places I could go for a day or two if I need to.

CCL, it's so strange that your dh would say that - it's exactly what I said to OH and he seemed surprised about it. If it had been once person continuously it would have felt more intimate and more of a betrayal.

He is out at his hobby club tonight so I've had a lot of time to think, which turned out to be not such a good thing so I put mindless TV on and have tried to ignore everything. Hasn't worked that well so I've found myself re-doing lists for if we can try and get over it, what needs to change (on both sides in all fairness, he has definitely messed up but things have been up and down for a while, so I know we would both need to make an effort)

He should be home soon so we can do yet more talking if I'm feeling up to it or I can just go to bed if not.

crazy_cat_lady

Hang in there... Does he not have somewhere he can go for a few days if you need some time and space?
I've been thinking about you lots and hoping that you're doing as well as you can be. It seems obvious to me that things definitely have to change, and that will be on both sides. It's whether or not you can both agree a point to work towards. Don't rush yourself into any decision making though...
Do you mind if I ask how he seems? Is he angry/upset/remorseful? Does he want to sort things out?

kirtsypoos

He doesn't really ccl, he lived with his brother before we moved in together but his brother now lives in a 1 bed apartment and already has his stepdaughter staying on the sofa. His other brother is up North and the rest of his family are in New Zealand so it's difficult.

I had a bit of a moment where I forgot about it all last night - I went to bed, he came upstairs and came and gave me a hug and it felt so normal and right that it didn't occur to me to think about what has been going on over the weekend.

I think deep down I really want to sort this out if we can, I'm just so scared that we/I make such an effort to get through it and he goes and does it again. I love him, and I know he loves me. I just don't know if it will be enough, and the whole ticking time bomb in my stomach doesn't help - I could leave now and never find anyone I want to settle down and have a family with in time for it to happen, or I could try and make it work but if it all goes tits up it's more of my biological clock wasted. Equally we could get through it and be stronger than ever and all be fine and dandy. I hate uncertainty!

He seems like he just wants to forget it all to be honest. On Friday, he was an absolute state, saying I was the best thing that had ever happened to him and he had ruined it all. He kept saying he didn't want to be that person but he couldn't stop it on his own.
He ran round like a headless chicken for me over the weekend, like he couldn't do enough and he said it was his way of showing he was always thinking of me, even if I didn't want him near me. Everytime we took time away from everyone to talk he said he just wanted to give me a hug and make everything better.

He has apologised a few times, which he doesn't normally do and we both made lists of why we wanted it to work out, to try and see if there was enough there to fight for or not. We had pretty similar lists but his was:
We love each other
We make a great team
What we had before all the negative things happened was the best thing he has ever had and he wants it again
I'm his rock and help him every day
He wants to give us an honest go, as he hasn't been honest with us recently

He said he wants nothing more than for us to give things a go, but I've asked him to think about whether that's a knee jerk reaction to me finding out or whether he honestly wants us to work.
He's been talking about our future and I REALLY want to believe it will be ok.

Desperate_to_be_debt_free

Oh kirstypoos, big hugs. If only we could have a little peep at what life has in store for us, it would make things so much simpler.

Cant offer any advice but am thinking of you x

Bobarella

Thinking of you Kirsty.

crazy_cat_lady

This is the thing though isn't it? Nobody knows what the future holds. Nobody knows what is round the corner. If you love him and you are prepared to give him another chance, and he is prepared to get help then there's no reason that you can't get through it and be stronger than ever. I would suggest that there's nothing wrong with giving it a go, as long as you're both prepared to make the effort/changes necessary.
All relationships go through ups and downs, and working through the down times makes the relationship stronger in my experience. He needs to stop running away when things aren't all smiling and rosy though... and deal with the bad instead of looking for better things. Hopefully he'll accept that.
I wish you lots of love and luck with it. I personally don't think you're daft for giving it a go - as long as you know where your line is and make it clear that if it's crossed then that really is it... Love to you.
Hopefully he's realising what an idiot he's been and what he stands to lose, and will learn a lesson from this whole experience.

kirtsypoos

Thank you so much all, but especially ccl - it sounds mad but I suppose I really wanted someone to tell me that I wasn't stupid for wanting to give it another go. I really need to work on my need for reassurance.

We had (another!!) chat last night and I told him that I am open to giving it a go. He said he is willing to do anything to make it work. Apparently the counselling service has an even longer wait for out of hours appointments (to be expected I suppose) so we are looking at about 4 weeks for that so in the meantime I've told him he needs to look into putting plans and mechanisms in place.

Have just found out though that his best friend (who has always planned to come and visit) is now planning to turn up in June/July so will have both OHs parents and his best friend staying with us in a 2 bed house...then his bestie dropped the bombshell that he has applied for a visa to stay....for 2 YEARS!!!! Most of which will be at our house apparently. NOT IMPRESSED!

I like the best mate, he's a nice guy but I don't want someone else in our home for years at a time, I don't want to be horrible about it as I know he has really missed having his friends around, so I'm pleased for him in that sense but 2 years? He can't be serious!

juliejim

Thinking of you.

Will his friend find somewhere else to stay for the 2 years? I can't help feeling that it will put extra pressure on your relationship at a time when you're trying to work through things.

Hugs

Jue

crazy_cat_lady

Well there's progress there, and if he means what he says then he will start looking at ways to make it work. Good luck. I don't think you're mad at all for wanting things to work out. A good friend of mine once said to me 'Fool me once - shame on you. Fool me twice - shame on me' That kind of sticks in my head. People can make changes if they really want to, but it needs work and effort...
With regards to his friend, I would say ok to staying short term, but then he really needs to be looking for a place to rent. It's all well and good having guests for a few days etc but 2 years is a long time. Without knowing your OH at all, the impression I get is that he acts first and thinks later. I suspect once he thinks about it he might agree that you need your own space...

kirtsypoos

Thanks Jue.

I hope his friend will realise that it isn't realistic to stay for 2 years and look at getting his own place if he does plan to stay here for the full time. I hope OH agrees that it's unrealistic to expect us to work on us if there is always someone else around.

I agree with that saying ccl, I need to write it somewhere in the house maybe....

We've come up with numerous lists (my specialty) and things seem a little better already, we are talking a LOT and that's something we normally struggle with so hopefully that's a plus.

We are having my god daughter this weekend - she's 7.5 months old and I can't wait! OH is actually looking forward to it also, and has said he will even hold her which is a massive turn up for the books.