I WILL get there!!

kirtsypoos

Thanks ccl, I'm ok- just fed up of the pain and being the miserable one. I think the problem when I'm in pain is I start to doubt everything, no-one can do anything right which makes me snappy and in reality they are probably just as fed up of me being ill as I am.

During my little breakdown on Sunday night, OH came to check on me, asked if he could get me anything and then waltzed off to sit in the lounge with my family having a good old laugh while I sobbed on the floor in my Dads study and I was so angry (probably still am a little bit, given the way I've written that ) that he is just so blase about it.

My Mom and Nan were amazing, and I know they've had reproductive issues of their own so they are more sympathetic but it upsets me that OH is so matter of fact about it these days - I don't often break down like that (well, I try) because of the pain, and he just brushes it off - if I rewound a few years he'd not have left my side, rubbed my back and stomach to try and help, got me a drink and my tablets but these days it's just - oh she's off again

I'm just feeling very sorry for myself to be honest - the pain hasn't really gone away since Saturday night, it just eases slightly and then comes back with a vengeance and I start to have these little pity parties in my head about wanting to be 'normal'.

We are visiting OHs brother up in Edinburgh from tomorrow to Saturday and I'm dreading the pain and how I'll cope - it's not something I want to be explaining to people I barely know, and I don't want to ruin the time away.

I'm going to try and work on being positive for the rest of the day so I can get into the right mindset - I'm so lucky at the moment,I have so much planned and fantastic people around me. I'm going to see my best friend tonight and her little boy, so once he is in bed we will have a good old catch up which I know will do my the World of good - she's getting married later this year and I love a good wedding....if only OH thought the same - I think I'll have to propose to him at this rate :rotfl:

crazy_cat_lady

Just be kind to yourself in among that. I used to work with a girl with endo, and saw how bad she got with it. I haven't been through it but I see the effect it has on people who are going through it. I am not trying to mind read for your boyfriend, but if he's like me then he's a fixer and possibly frustrated that he can't do much to help you.
Or if he's like my dh he would rather do nothing than do something wrong.

Bobarella

Kirsty
So sorry you are in so much discomfort it sounds so awful. I also can see how let down you would feel that your OH isn't as supportive as he used to be. I think you may need to bring it up when you are feeling better. Otherwise it could fester and make you feel worse. He may just have felt that it was unsociable for him not to join in with the gathering? I can't say for sure of course and I do think we women are quite bad at second guessing and ending up feeling things are our fault when we shouldn't.
Anyway its hard. You probably feel so fed up of the pain and trying to be jolly for others when you don't feel like it. That's going to get you down for a start.

Thinking of you.
Bob

kirtsypoos

Thank you both, it' lovely to have support on here , we had a bit of a chat last night but it didn't go very well, will have to revisit that one but I don't want to ruin our time away or have an atmosphere while we are spending time with his brother who we don't see very often. Fingers crossed.

I'm currently exploring Edinburgh with a hot water bottle strapped to me - I'm determined not to let it ruin the trip completely.

Not a big update as I'm on the slowest wifi in the World (or the very least, slowest in Edinburgh!)

A little bit gutted as the band we came to see had to cancel the show last night as the singer was very poorly. The other band members were there though, and the support acts did longer sets which was good so it wasn't a complete wash out.
We get home on Saturday and then it's the goddaughters christening on Sunday so a busy weekend but hopefully not too spendy

kirtsypoos

I'm feeling very, very down at the moment.

Work is an absolute nightmare. We have a silent investor who pretty much questions everything we do as a company - fair enough in some ways, but he doesn't know or understand the industry we work in.
It's very highly regulated and sometimes myself and one of my admin ladies will have to spend a week updating certificates and site packs just to keep on top of license requirements, meaning everything else goes on the back burner.
I have been asked to finish a tender that another member of staff was supposed to be working on, but he told me it needed doing on Tuesday afternoon, bearing in mind I was off from Wednesday until today, and I've found out it has to be returned by 12 tomorrow - so much still to do.

I walked in this morning to a meeting with the boss who had words about how behind we are with invoicing - I'm the only person who deals with it, and between tenders, training a new member of staff and everything else on my to do list, I haven't had as much time as I'd like to do it, but I am doing my best. It's just not seen or appreciated. :eek:
I've taken to actually taking a lunch break properly (hence this post ) which is probably not appreciated, but since I started I have only managed the odd 5 mins here and there whilst doing more than my contracted hours and getting no thanks or extra pay for it so I decided to put my foot down....at the moment it's only hurting me as it means I have more to fit into less time...

Things aren't very good between OH and I at the moment either . There's a few things playing on my mind and he doesn't do the talking thing very well. I ended up on the sofa this morning at 2am crying about work and us and generally feeling sorry for myself. Even after a lovely day at the Christening I found it difficult to pull myself out of it.

Now that the scan is out of the way - I'm going to be an Auntie - the first person to tell me the news that sent me spiralling was actually my little sister - and I'm thrilled, I really am - but there's a big part of me that's still upset - and for utterly childish reasons! I keep feeling like it's supposed to be me - I'm the eldest and I think there was a big part of me that really expected me to be the first to give my parents a grandchild...leading me onto the next thing that is really getting to me.

I am going to sound horrible here but I really need to get it out, so apologies in advance...
a few years ago my little sister decided to open her own business. She needed a large lump sum to start out - kitting the place out. My uncle co-signed her lease and a loan for her. She wasn't very business minded and after 18 months the business folded. Leaving the lease (originally 5 years, only break clause 6 months in) and the loan still to pay. My sister didn't have a job at the time so my uncle took over the payments...and has done ever since. Even though she now earns a good wage. She has never taken any responsibility for the money problems she put my uncle in (he's retired and actually cashed in a pension to pay her solicitors and franchise costs) last year, his boiler broke and he didn't tell us for 6 months as he couldn't afford to get it fixed...and still she lived the high life, jetting off on holiday while he struggles.
I know we are very different people, I could NEVER let someone take over the mess I got myself into, but it seems like a big slap in the face that she has, She is utterly irresponsible (she and her partner may well have to move back into my parents as they don't know if they can afford to stay in their house with the baby) and still got pregnant ON PURPOSE! She actually planned it. No forward thought about how they would afford it, just oh well, we want a baby so she stopped her pill, got pregnant the first week and she now has a nursery full of furniture and a top of the range pram courtesy of my (also broke) parents and various family members.
I hate myself for feeling like this :mad: and yet I can't stop it. It's not helping the situation between me and OH either. He doesn't get it, and he's sick of me moping and being an emotional wreck.
I'm sorry I'm not more cheery, I really have been trying but today I just can't.

Kitten868

That is despicable behaviour defaulting on an agreement someone else signed for. I feel for him. But clearly no one condemns her behaviour as she hasn't had a rollicking and they're happy to stock the nursery.
I'm the more reckless sister tbh. Just go for it now and fix it later but not at the expense of anyone else. Just wanted to say that before I sound mean.
I know you don't want to hear this but endo partners have a rough ride and it is tough for them. It's never going to be as hard as it is for us obviously - it's physically exhausting and excruciatingly painful. BUT it's bloody hard work seeing someone you care about having such a hard time when there's nothing they can do to fix it. Men like to fix things. They want to do something to make it better and they can't. I wouldn't want my partner to get me a hot water bottle and rub my back every day. Just because my life is a non-starter his shouldn't be too. (I'm exaggerating - I know you don't expect this) You can't both sit in someone's bedroom every time you go out iyswim. My husband is there for me when it counts - he understands I can only get low earning rubbish jobs with good sickness packages and when I said I wanted a baby he said yes both times and I know he'd say yes again. Your partner has your back I promise he has had the chat with you time and time again to support you. He bought the house with you and he loves you. Please don't feel too abandoned by him. It's just a stressful situation for both of you. It makes me snappy as without having anything to complain about.

Work just sounds mental. Poor you. Revisit the idea about more hours for more pay?

Lots of love sweetie. Try and ignore sister. Some are such bints xxx

kirtsypoos

Thanks Kitten - I'm just so frustrated at the moment, with the whole situation with my sister amongst many other things. I'm going to love being an Auntie, I just sometimes feel envious of how easy things appear to be for her. I love her to bits, but I wish she would grow up.

I know it's rough for him, but the issues we are having at the moment aren't really endo related - last week brought it all to the surface but it's so many things that led to this - a lot that I can't even bring myself to mention, and some that all couples go through. We aren't close physically any more, and it's affecting me really badly. He's lovely, and he hugs me when I need it but we are more like friends at the moment. I feel so unwanted, he refuses to discuss it with me and I'm miserable. I'm sitting on my tea break crying thinking about it as I type this. I just hate feeling this way, which makes me feel worse!
While we were away over the weekend he showed me a message from his brother on his phone and I saw the message underneath, which was to/from a female work colleague and it really got to me - it said something along the lines of wish you were here. I don't know who sent it to who as it was the preview screen, and he refuses to discuss it - says she's just a work friend and that's that. But it isn't in my mind - it just adds to how I'm feeling anyway.

I'll probably really regret putting this on here later but I feel like it's the only place I can vent - my friends would automatically go on the defensive for me and they mean well but I don't want to hear it. I could kill for a cigarette but it's 2 months today since I had one and I'm desperate not to give in.

Thank you Kitten x

Kitten868

Massive well done on kicking the nicotine!

I'm with you - people that get everything they want when and how they want it pee me right off! The grass is always greener. Still want to kick them in the womb and say now have your lovely day because that's my day. I think it makes you appreciate things more though.

I'm sorry I misread things. I wasn't trying to poke the scab. Maybe talking isn't what you need to do. Maybe you need a break or some proper time together? I don't always talk to hubby. Sometimes I talk at him. Then sometime later he acknowledges it. With like 3 words and it's ok. I don't know enough. Sorry lovely xxx

Kitten868

He might not be being close to you because he's scared of hurting you?
And the email might be because the other person would be better in that work related situation. I've said that to a colleague about situations that were hilarious and I wish he'd been there to see.
I hate to think of you crying xxx

Bobarella

So sorry Kirsty. Life sounds really rough at the moment. Big hugs.