Do i want a divorce?

Pixie5740

Fireflyaway wrote: »

May sound harsh but if you work part time and your husband full time, I think you should do the housework and not expect him to do much around the house. But he should respect that you do it and not act ungrateful.

The OP works 4 days a week and the husband works full time so 5 days a week. That 1 day difference doesn't justify all the childcare and housework being pushed on to the OP. The issue isn't really the housework anyway. It sounds as though the OP's husband has no respect for her.

becky09

Fireflyaway wrote: »

May sound harsh but if you work part time and your husband full time, I think you should do the housework and not expect him to do much around the house. But he should respect that you do it and not act ungrateful.

If he has always had a funny attitude about you going out or getting upset why is it bothering you now? Did you hope he might change with time, or are you just noticing it more recently because of other stress / tiredness?

How is your husband in himself? Could he be feeling down or depressed or stressed? He may have self esteem issues and that makes him grumpy and controlling. His own worries could be manifesting in his bad attitude towards you. If he is distant and doesn't seem interested - you say you have almost brought up your son yourself - sounds like he might be depressed?

I technically work part time, but still do 32 hours a week. I work 8-5 4 days a week, and walk the dog 3 mornings. So get up at 5.45, take the dog out for half an hour, leave for work at 7.10 to start at 8. Leave work at 5 and get home by 6 (If traffic isn't bad)
We have a GSD so the vacuuming does need to be done every other day at the very least.
On my one day off a week I try to get our Son out and spend some time with him, so cleaning etc gets done either in the evening or at weekends. He had the nerve to tell me the other night that I like living in a pig tip?!?!


He is a good dad, and he does spend time with him. And its not that he cant do these things, he is capable, he just choices to let me do it. He finishes work at 2pm on a Friday afternoon, yet when I get home from work at 6 our little boy still hasn't had dinner. I've bought this up with him, and for 2 weeks he fed him, now its slipped back.


He seems ok in himself, and when he/we do go out he is the most talkative laid back person, he gets on well with people and likes his job (As much as possible anyways)


I need to try to get him to talk to me, so we can have a proper conversation about it because I really don't know what to do next!


Thanks everyone for your help x

Loz01

OP I don't know how you've put up with this to be honest... doing everything around the house only to be told it is like a pig sty would sent my blood pressure rocketing and I would've have been able to say nothing! He sounds rude, arrogant, unmotivated and bloody ungrateful. Just think to yourself, do you wanna still be in this situ in 2/5/10 years? If not, you need to take some action now.

Stevie_Palimo

To me the partner sounds lazy and has issues maybe from his upbringing that would need to be addressed sooner rather later as he will end up being a lonely old man.


I have always done my part at home wherever and whoever I have lived with, Bringing up a child and working is hard enough let alone looking after a house and he needs to realise that it is a partnership in every way meaning he does an even share of things.


More importantly he needs his issues looked at asap to as acting in this way is not right or fare to you or your child.

Fireflyaway

Ok if you work 32 hours a week and finish later than him 1 day then no - he should be doing something more to help. I wrongly assumed you worked a lot less than him. Would he entertain you getting a cleaner in ?

I think the issue is a lack of respect. To criticise your housekeeping and not bother to do your sons dinner is just lazy and rude. Was he waited on as a child? If he has always had his mum do things and never lived alone he might just see it as your job to wait on him.

Does your husband realise he is upsetting you? Do you feel you can tell him your feelings or does he brush you off? I hate to say it but if he has been like this for the last 11 years why do you think he will change now?

jetplane

So your husband is not depressed, just bored, lazy and selfish? Not sharing housework and childcare tasks is just one of the ways that he shows you disrespect. being nasty about you going away for a weekend is another. I imagine by your comments, on crying being soft and telling you to leave, that he doesn't do emotions very well therefore trying to talk to him could prove pointless resulting in him accusing you of nagging. This seems to be the default when people don't want to take responsibility.

If he has always been like this then he won't see any reason to change and before your son was born patterns were set, so as far as he can see the only person who has changed is you. It is possibly the extra energy and time you need to look after your son that has been the turning point. each of us only have so much to give before we burn out.

I believe that relationships where one partner is disrespectful chip away until you start losing respect for yourself and start blaming yourself. I would ask you how you felt before your friends said they felt sorry for you and question whether you are feeling this way because you think that's how other people see you?

Marriages are often hard work and move through good and bad phases, the balance is not always equal. We are bombarded with images of how other peoples lives are happy, balanced and perfect and we compare our own and find it failing. Does your husband have any good points, is your marriage worth fighting for?

Person_one

becky09 wrote: »

I try not to Nag, and I actually think I stick to this pretty well considering.
I ask him nicely to do something, ie last Friday to move the paint pots from our hallways as the decorator has finished (they need to go up the road to his parents garage so I cant do this myself) they are still sat there today. And when I reminded him on Sunday he told our 2 year old to tell mummy "get of daddys back".
The problem for me is the lack of respect.
x

I really really hate the word 'nag'.

It seems to exist to make women feel bad/guilty for having the nerve to not want to be treated like an unpaid skivvy or for having an expectation that the other adults who share their home might also share some of the responsibility for keeping it clean and tidy! Why shouldn't you expect that? Why shouldn't you demand it, frankly?

I think you are completely right about lack of respect being the root of the problem. It jumps out in every one of the behaviours you describe.

The 'I won't fight' comment speaks volumes. I wonder if he wants out himself to have an easier life with less responsibilities and more time spent being a lazy slob, but is waiting for you to actually make the decision and be the 'bad guy'. If he won't work on the relationship, and has no desire to make changes to stop you being so unhappy, then I can't really see how you can salvage the marriage.

System

If you could wave a magic wand, what would you wish for?

Guest101

Person_one wrote: »

I really really hate the word 'nag'.

It seems to exist to make women feel bad/guilty for having the nerve to not want to be treated like an unpaid skivvy or for having an expectation that the other adults who share their home might also share some of the responsibility for keeping it clean and tidy! Why shouldn't you expect that? Why shouldn't you demand it, frankly?

I think you are completely right about lack of respect being the root of the problem. It jumps out in every one of the behaviours you describe.

The 'I won't fight' comment speaks volumes. I wonder if he wants out himself to have an easier life with less responsibilities and more time spent being a lazy slob, but is waiting for you to actually make the decision and be the 'bad guy'. If he won't work on the relationship, and has no desire to make changes to stop you being so unhappy, then I can't really see how you can salvage the marriage.

Whoa, lets stop a second.

I really really hate the word 'nag'. - Well looking for assistance and nagging, aren't the same thing. Nagging does exist.

It seems to exist to make women feel bad/guilty for having the nerve to not want to be treated like an unpaid skivvy or for having an expectation that the other adults who share their home might also share some of the responsibility for keeping it clean and tidy! Why shouldn't you expect that? Why shouldn't you demand it, frankly? - Because making demands of another person is wrong? She wants something done, and feels justified in her request. What is the OH turned around and 'demanded' sexual gratification? Or 'Demanded' that finances be spend on something he wanted? Or 'Demanded' that he sit on his @*** all day? - Relationships are about compromise and making demands is exactly what you said - Nagging.

I think you are completely right about lack of respect being the root of the problem. It jumps out in every one of the behaviours you describe. - Sounds right. There is no respect, probably in regards both parties. But certainly it's clear the OP isnt happy in the current situation & that certainly needs to change. The method will probably dictate whether the marriage succeeds or fails.

The 'I won't fight' comment speaks volumes. I wonder if he wants out himself to have an easier life with less responsibilities and more time spent being a lazy slob, but is waiting for you to actually make the decision and be the 'bad guy'. If he won't work on the relationship, and has no desire to make changes to stop you being so unhappy, then I can't really see how you can salvage the marriage - Perhaps he's unhappy too?

heuchera

OP (and anyone else reading this who is fed up with doing housework ) have a read of this book.

http://houseworkblues.com/

It's called housework blues and it's available on amazon. The author is very down to earth and insightful about all the things that overwhelm us when it comes to doing the housework.

Overwhelmed (There’s too much to do. I don’t know where to start. I never get on top of my jobs.)
Injustice (Why should I do it all? I didn’t make the mess. Why am I the only one doing it?)
Futility (What’s the point? It’ll only get dirty again. It’s endless.)
Boredom (It’s so monotonous. Every day, the same chores, over and over. I hate repetitive tasks.)
No Energy (I can’t be bothered. I’m too tired. It’s too much like hard work.)
Inferiority (I’m no good at this. I’m so useless. Other women can manage it but not me.)
Superiority (I’m better than this. It’s a waste of my brain and talents. Is this where I’ve ended up?)
Lack of Motivation (I can’t seem to get started. I just don’t want to do it. I’d rather do something else.)

There's a very funny bit where she talks about her husband reading the newspaper in the bath. And then leaves his soggy wet mess of a paper on the bathroom floor. After. Every. Bath.

If it does nothing else it will cheer you up a bit


But as regards the deeper issues, it sounds like you have been together for a long time and have kind of grown bored of each other and are taking each other for granted? Think of the good things, not least your lovely little boy, and start building up from there.

You know what they say, grant me the courage to change what I can change, to accept the things I can't change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Sorry for my long post, and good luck whatever you decide to do.