Do i want a divorce?

becky09

And there definitely isn't anyone else involved, no other man, no recently single friends (they are actually pretty much now all married or due to!)


Whilst on the Hen doo (2 weeks ago) after probably way too much vodka, I had a cry (about something not really related to the other half) which ended up with 3 friends crying, saying I've done such a good job bringing my little boy up pretty much on my own, and that they feel sorry for me for the way I get treated and spoken to at home.
One of these friends spent a year on off living with us, so has seen our relationship.
I guess this was the point that I thought, great I'm pitied by my friends, how have I let it get this bad.


x

becky09

Guest101. We do still go out and do things together. He isn't really a drinker, so we've never got drunk together. But we do go to the cinema and out for dinner etc, obviously not as often as we did, but it does happen.
I invite him out with me a lot. I quite often go to group things (with friends that he's know longer than he has me) on my own because he doesn't want to go. Even BBQs in the day with our son and other children
He wont go his friends Stag doos, because he doesn't drink.


I definitely don't want to get old before my time, so I do still see my friends and go out, and maybe he is jealous, but he does have the option to do the same. (And this isn't all the time, usually birthdays etc)


x

Guest101

OP - whether there's another man involved or not isn't really the point.

Your husband thinks there is. Which is clearly an issue, whether due to lack of intimacy between you both or due to the friction you've suffered over the years, or a combination of a hundred smaller reasons.

You've been together 11 years. You're naturally tired of doing all the work.

But, instructing him on what to do is treating him like a child, which you previously said you resented.

You cant change someone else, only they can do that. You can support them in such a change. - I suspect, and i might be wrong, that there is a lack of a relationship, and it's a catch 22.

You would feel more loving to a partner who supported you and shared the work.
He might feel more supportive and work harder, if he was in a loving relationship.

- A definition of lunacy is trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. - Arguing hasn't worked. Mothering him hasnt worked. Leaving him to his own devices hasnt worked. Have you asked him what he's happy to do?

Have you guys been man and wife and not mum and dad regularly? - i dont just mean in the bedroom. I mean, have you stepped out as a couple, rather than a family.

Edit: you answered above.

pelirocco

Look at it this way , if you did split up youd still be doing all the work and struggling for money .
I suspect hes probably thinking he is pretty hard down by too ...Works long hours , wife nags , she goes out / away with friends etc etc
I'm not saying he's right , and i'm not saying you are right , it sounds like a typical couple with a young family . It is hard work , no one appreciates you and both couples wonder if this is all they have to look forward to in life ,

It does get better , honest

fairy_lights

becky09 wrote: »

I don't cry in front of him as he used to shout at me when I did, only weak people cry apparently (this was a very long time ago)

I find this quite worrying....does he have the same attitude towards your son when he cries?

becky09

fairy_lights wrote: »

I find this quite worrying....does he have the same attitude towards your son when he cries?

In a way yes, he does shout if our son hurts himself, or falls over, and tells him not to cry.
Our little boy is a tough cookie and doesn't cry often to be honest x

catkins

becky09 wrote: »

I do love him, but more like a family member than I think I should a husband, but we've been together for so long that I guess I wont be madly in love like I was before?

x

This is the part that jumped out at me. You have been together 11 years. That is nothing in the grand scheme of things. I have been married for 35 years and would say, yes I am still pretty madly in love.


I definitely do not think that after 11 years you should only look on him as a "family member" and not your best friend, lover etc.


Personally I would be more concerned about the lack of true feelings on both sides than having to pick up his clothes.


I think you need to have a serious talk and see how he feels and where your relationship is heading

pmlindyloo

OK more deep rooted than first imagined.

So, your options: (one/two or combination)

Try marriage counselling
Go to CAB and pick up some leaflets about divorce/separating etc etc and leave them lying around
Sit down with OH and say, 'You're unhappy. I'm making you unhappy, I'm unhappy, you're making me unhappy, what shall we do?'
Get together all you need and move out, leaving a note
Have an almighty row and pack your bags and go

There is no easy way if your Oh won't communicate with you and it may be that you are going to have to be proactive in this to make him realise how unhappy you are.

I am always loathe to advise leaving someone, particularly when very young children are involved and it won't be easy. However, at the same time some people need a 'kick up the ****' to show them how bad things have deteriorated.

I also believe that you have one life and should live it to the full but at the same time remembering that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Since you have mentioned your friend's comments it seems that there is more to this then his not 'pulling his weight' so you do need to do something, and probably something radical.

Just one other thing. Your OH sounds very unhappy with his life in general. Is everything OK with his job? Extended family? Any health problems?

If he is just a **** then fair enough but please check that it isn't something that you can both 'fix'.

Wishing you well.

Money_maker

becky09 wrote: »

with 3 friends crying, saying I've done such a good job bringing my little boy up pretty much on my own, and that they feel sorry for me for the way I get treated and spoken to at home

So why are you blaming yourself about 'why have I let it get so bad?'. It's not your fault but you need to wake up and listen to your friends. If they are suggesting it is this bad then its probably even worse.

Fireflyaway

May sound harsh but if you work part time and your husband full time, I think you should do the housework and not expect him to do much around the house. But he should respect that you do it and not act ungrateful.

If he has always had a funny attitude about you going out or getting upset why is it bothering you now? Did you hope he might change with time, or are you just noticing it more recently because of other stress / tiredness?

How is your husband in himself? Could he be feeling down or depressed or stressed? He may have self esteem issues and that makes him grumpy and controlling. His own worries could be manifesting in his bad attitude towards you. If he is distant and doesn't seem interested - you say you have almost brought up your son yourself - sounds like he might be depressed?