Do i want a divorce?

becky09

Hi


I'm going to apologise in advance for what will probably be a long post, I'm not sure who else to talk to and I've lurked on these forums for a long time, so here goes..


I don't know if I want to be with my husband anymore.
We've been together for 11 years married for 3 and have a son who's 2 (I'm 28, and he's 30)
I currently feel like I'm a maid/cleaner, and mum to 2 people, not just my little man. I work 4 days a week (Luckily no childcare costs) and my husband full time, but he does absolutely nothing around the house. I do the cooking, cleaning, putting things together/down, I put all of our clothes away, and pick his dirty clothes off the floor, if I don't they will stay there for a week (Currently putting my foot down and not doing this, were at day 6 and its driving me insane!!)
Pretty much everything, the only job we do share is walking the dog.


I get in from work every night, cook us all dinner, make sure my son is eating meaning my food usual goes cold (joys of a toddler) tidy up, usual vacuum, and then put our little one to bed.
Anyways I guess I've just had enough, he isn't loving towards me, he can quite happily say how attractive someone is when were walking down the street, but hasn't complimented me in years.


We do still have time on our own, Cinema & meals etc.
I went away recently for a friends hen doo (long weekend) and all I got for the 2 months leading up to this was "leaving your family to go away and get pi**ed with your friends" "probably only going to sleep around with other people". He has a pretty crappy attitude sometimes.


I told him 2 nights ago that I'm not happy and something needs to change, that we are supposed to be a team and I need his support.
His words "I'm not going to fight, if you want to walk then go". Helpful.
He doesn't believe me, and I don't know how to make him see I'm serious. I don't cry in front of him as he used to shout at me when I did, only weak people cry apparently (this was a very long time ago)


I do love him, but more like a family member than I think I should a husband, but we've been together for so long that I guess I wont be madly in love like I was before?


We have a comfortable life, nice house, good jobs, and I don't want to break up our family to regret it later on down the line, but I cant go on like it is.


Any advise would be great, and thanks if you made it this far


x

kelpie35

I think one of the questions you really need to ask yourself is, does he respect me as a person and his wife?

Only you can answer that.

I know what I would do, but I'm not walking in your shoes.

Good luck

jetplane

Has it always been this way for 11 years? The lack of interest in talking or changing things would be a problem, for me. Perhaps he does not believe you because he has never had to contribute, appreciate you or take responsibility and you have never complained before?

If my husband said I was not worth fighting for then I would not spend one ounce of energy on him, is your child not worth his effort? What do you think you need to do to make him take you seriously?

Can't say whether you want a divorce but in your shoes I would be taking a look at my options for leaving, the practicality's and the support I would need and making plans so that i could make an informed decision, rather than relying on him to change.

Your probably feeling too exhausted to do this at the moment, do you have good family and friends to support you?

shopaholicz

Hi becky09,

I really feel for you, it's horrible when you feel so sad, it takes the sunshine out of everything.

How long have you felt like this? I know your son is 2 now, but did you have post natal depression? Do you think you could have it now?

Ultimately there is only you that can decide the path you want to take, but looking back at my life (and I can't believe how similar it was to yours, except that I didn't work) and thinking back to how I handled similar problems and how I should have handled them; have you tried giving instructions, ie while I make the tea could you just go and fetch your washing? or, while I put the little one to bed could you take the bins out please?

I know he's an adult and you shouldn't have to do this, but when I eventually found and used this trick I found for me it works a treat. It's made me feel that I'm back in control and that the work is being shared, maybe not fairly, but at least OH is doing something.

My youngest is 21 now and I still use this to tell OH what I want him to do and for him it only comes in small chunks, big enough for him to handle. You can give multiple instructions per day though. He wouldn't do the jobs unless asked and I'd end up getting frustrated and angry, same as you are now, been down that road and don't want to go back.

I'm sure others on here will also have other suggestions you can try. You may have to try a few to find one that suits you but since you're not saying I hate this I need to leave NOW, my guess is that you'd willingly give anything a go.

Good luck.

Pixie5740

That sounds like a horrible situation to be in.

Keep putting your foot down about picking up his dirty clothes. He will eventually run out of clean clothes to wear. You are his wife, not his skivvy.

If you want to show him you are serious why not suggest couple counselling and if he refuses it then you'll know where you stand. If he doesn't think there's anything wrong and isn't prepared to work at the relationship then there's not much you can do, it takes two to tango.

pmlindyloo

Apologies in advance to all male partners who regularly do their share!

If every woman whose partner didn't do their fair share were to divorce then there would be very few couples left.

The thing to ask yourself is would you be contemplating divorce if he did his fair share?

If the answer is 'no' then you just need to do something about the problem.

I expect you will get useful suggestions about leaving his clothes where they are, not doing his washing etc etc.

In my experience this doesn't work. it just makes you twitchy if you like your place clean and tidy and creates more aggravation between the two of you.

The thing is this has been going on for years and so he is now completely flummoxed as to why you are so angry. He now sees it as your 'territory' and is firmly fixed in his ways. I made the terrible mistake of doing everything for him when we were first married (cos I loved him and was trying to be the perfect wife) and being the cleaning/tidy freak that I am was rather critical when he did do his bit. (Big mistake)

So what can you do?

You both have good jobs and a comfortable lifestyle so it is probable that you can afford a cleaner. So get one. You don't have to vacuum every day especially since you are at work (unless little one is in the house whilst you are working) Get one of those mini hoovers and scoop up any bits that you can't ignore.

A weekly clean by a cleaner should be sufficient if you can clean the bathroom and kitchen as you go. (Anti bacterial sprays are brilliant!)

Consider getting someone to do the ironing.

If your OH protests, stick to your guns unless he 'sees the light' and you can negotiate on who does what.

Try a few microwave meals instead of cooking from scratch or if you enjoy cooking then do a batch of things and stick in the freezer.

When you work and have a small child it can be a nightmare especially if you have high standards so you need to reduce your work load as much as possible.

Your child is the most important part of this. They grow up so quickly and when working you need to spend quality time with them and any housework must come second to that.

And speaking of your child this is the one area that I would concentrate on. Your OH should be spending time with him and the putting to bed time should be shared. It is so sad if he isn't a part of this.

I know people will criticise me for 'allowing' your partner to get away with doing very little but arguing and allowing this to affect your life is counter productive.

If you can feel less put upon by having the cleaning and ironing done by someone else then you may be able to take small steps to get him more involved.

Think of the irritating things and try to resolve them. A basket in the bedroom for his dirty clothes is a start!

Nobody likes being nagged so bombarding him with 'can you do this? can you do that?' may drive him mad. Casual requests are better.

I am not a push over before anyone thinks this and I disagree that your OH doesn't respect you. These are modern sound bites that have driven women to question their roles.

The truth of the matter is that most marriages are far from perfect and the key is compromise. Working out the compromises can be a slow business and often it is easier when the children are older.

I am not ignoring the fact that your husband has said some hurtful and unacceptable things to you but we can all do this in the heat of the moment and if your writing about them was more of an aside than his whole attitude towards you then they are best ignored.

Having said all that, only you know how good/bad your marriage is and only you know how you want to deal with it.

PasturesNew

Men, on the whole, tend to have more tolerance to what (many) women see as mess/clutter. His vision of the home is therefore different to yours. You're trying to create the "perfect little home"; he wants somewhere to keep his beers cold.

You choose to tidy (his) things away and then be annoyed by it. He's probably annoyed that you thought it that important that you had to moan at him about it as soon as he came in.

Get a big laundry basket, chuck his stuff in it and dump that on his side of the bed each night when you go up to bed. He might brush it all onto the floor on his side of the bed, but he'll have to eventually accept that your side's nicer and there's nothing to trip over - then he'll learn he'd better sort it out.

Nagging is not the way forward.

In sickness and in health, for richer for poorer ..... for scruffier or tidier.

He's probably secretly scared you'll leave him and doesn't know how to change. Maybe you've not made a list and sat and discussed all the items on it in a "To Do" fashion. Maybe he's scared to have the conversation for fear you'll leave him. This comes out in his manner. He's not really sure what you want: e.g. you made him a nice meal, he ate it, now you're moaning, but he's not sure what about. Maybe you moaned at the clearing up because he didn't 'appreciate' the meal and that's what you wanted to hear "thank you, that was a lovely meal". You have so many gripes you're probably inconsistently snapping at the next 2-3 instead of the original one.

You need to discuss each issue, come to a compromise, get it all in writing, then both stick to it to decide if your relationship is workable or not. It doesn't happen overnight.

Pixie5740

This isn't just about the cleaning and anti-bacterial sprays do more harm than good.

Look at his attitude towards the OP for going to a hen do. Trying to guilt trip for going away and insinuating that she's just going to get !!!!ed and sleep around isn't nice. That's a pretty low opinion to have of your wife (or husband). Neither is saying that if she wants to leave then he won't fight for her although he could be trying to call her bluff I suppose.

hazyjo

I'm going to be harsh... sorry.


If you feel like a maid / cleaner, it's because that's the role you gave yourself. Should have started as you meant to go on.


Give each other set chores if you have to. If you iron his clothes, hang them on hangers in another room or on wardrobe doors and ask that he puts them away. Better still, stop ironing his stuff and ask him to do it. If you really can't bear his clothes on the floor, bag them up but don't wash them. Let him put them in the laundry basket (or wash them himself). His attitude will soon change when his wardrobe is constantly bare.


I am guessing something has sparked this off. Realisation rarely comes from nowhere. Will you be honest in that you maybe fancy someone else, or did do something with another man, or maybe a friend is recently single, or you think the grass is greener, or is it a bit of a midlife crisis... I'm making guesses, yes, but, I do think the penny has dropped for a reason.


My OH does EVERYTHING in the house and for me - but then I go to work 9-6, 5 days a week (hour commute each way) so that he doesn't have to work (he's bipolar which makes it hard and has had breakdowns, etc. Being at home and doing everything indoors gives us both a far happier time and peace of mind).


Failing that, just do a Shirley Valentine and disappear on holiday for several weeks.


Jx

becky09

Thanks for the comments everyone.


Just to answer a few points, he has always been pretty unhelpful around the house, but it has got significantly worst since we've had out little boy and moved into a bigger house (we were in a flat before) Maybe its just that we now have more space and more work to do.
(We do have a washing basket in our room, on his side of the bed, that he has to walk past to get out of the door)


I try not to Nag, and I actually think I stick to this pretty well considering.
I ask him nicely to do something, ie last Friday to move the paint pots from our hallways as the decorator has finished (they need to go up the road to his parents garage so I cant do this myself) they are still sat there today. And when I reminded him on Sunday he told our 2 year old to tell mummy "get of daddys back".
The problem for me is the lack of respect. If something is bothering me I try to talk about it, he wont, he'll walk away.
So all of these thing have built up, and now everything just annoys me.
He sits at home on an evening and moans that he's bored, yet does nothing about it, he doesn't go to football anymore and hardly sees his friends (nothing to do with me, I'm more than happy for him to go out whenever he wants)


I luckily do have a very good network of friends, although a large proportion of these are group friends who are married to my partners friends!
I've spoken to 2 people about it, and I know I would have somewhere to go with my Son if I needed it.


I don't for a minute think he would go to Marriage counselling but I will take a look at it and get the details.


Thanks again for everyone taking the time to reply.
x

Guest101

OP can i ask?

Do you and husband go out, get drunk, let her hair down, do stupid silly things (perhaps like you used to) anymore?

But actually it sounds like he's jealous that you are going to do that with your friends, but perhaps dont with him?

You're both young, and maybe 'old before your time'?