Pressure from family

kitrat

I'll try and keep this brief.

I moved away from home at 18 to go to University about 3 hours away. I was with my then boyfriend from home who also went to that university, when I graduated he was still at university for two more years so I stayed in the city and I found my current job/career. We broke up, stayed in the city because I saw no reason to jack in everything just because that one aspect of my life didn't work out, now some time later I have a new boyfriend who comes from the area.

Now the problem is my older brother also lives with his wife about 3 hours away from my parents in a different direction (we form a triangle) but lives very close to our grandparents (Dad's side). My Mum has always really hoped we'd move back home after University, but that has not happened. It's now getting to a point where it is obviously making her very unhappy (I left 8 years ago) and she is constantly talking about me moving back home or if not moving to my brother's area with the idea my parents could move up there too. When I say constantly I mean every single time I phone them, or multiple times a day when I'm down there with them. I am finding it very stressful now. Everything I say can be related back to moving somehow. The problem is she finds my Dad a little bit annoying and they don't really have proper friends who come over or go out with or anything like that, they do both have hobbies though.

In an ideal world it would be lovely to all live together, and I do feel like we miss out on the family experience many others have. At the same time I like my life up here, I love the area, the people are lovely, I love my job, I love my boyfriend, it's significantly cheaper to live here, I struggle to make friends but I have a couple here, my field of work is not as comfortable in England as it is here (Wales) at the current time (NHS). I cant just cut my life out of here and move it, it is not that straightforward. I imagine my brother feels the same.

On the other hand I appreciate that at some point in life my parents may need caring for and I imagine something will have to give at some stage.

But I feel like I (and my brother) are supposed to be the soul source of my Mum's happiness and because we come from that area originally it is up to us to do the moving our lives. She has lived in that town her whole life and I can't imagine her moving, even up towards my grandparents I think she'd struggle. She is rather narrow minded and [town's name] people really are the creme de la creme and everyone else are peasants. All right that's a bit extreme but it is that sort of mindset. It's a very affluent middle class area which has better opportunities for people I admit than many other parts of the country, but somehow everyone else manages to live happy lives so I don't think it's worth the kidney I'd have to sell to own a property down there. Except my parents I have no other reason I'd want to move. I'm not sure I'd be happy. I'm sure my boyfriend wouldn't be happy living elsewhere from here either.

I could go on and on and on but I'm trying to keep it short. I suppose I feel my Mum has always been someone who needs to be made happy. As such I seem to have turned into an adult who feels the need to try and juggle everyone else's happiness. This also relates to feelings that she doesn't treat either of us like adults as much as she should, and I often feel like we are being 'tested' sometimes. She is a loving mother, don't get me wrong, her heart is in the right place and she doesn't mean to cause upset but she manages to stress me out an awful lot. I suppose I just need to vent. I guess I want someone just to tell me I'm not a horrible person for liking where I live now and that there is no easy simple solution that makes everyone happy.

- Just to add I may not reply tonight. Thanks for listening though.

Tommelise

Not much time but you should not feel guity that you want to stay where you are

your mother is wrong for constantly bringing it up. It does not help her eighter you will most likely just visit less because you are tired of the subject

Have you told her how you feel directly? Or do you just avoid the subject?

Buzzybee90

kitrat wrote: »

I'll try and keep this brief.

I moved away from home at 18 to go to University about 3 hours away. I was with my then boyfriend from home who also went to that university, when I graduated he was still at university for two more years so I stayed in the city and I found my current job/career. We broke up, stayed in the city because I saw no reason to jack in everything just because that one aspect of my life didn't work out, now some time later I have a new boyfriend who comes from the area.

Now the problem is my older brother also lives with his wife about 3 hours away from my parents in a different direction (we form a triangle) but lives very close to our grandparents (Dad's side). My Mum has always really hoped we'd move back home after University, but that has not happened. It's now getting to a point where it is obviously making her very unhappy (I left 8 years ago) and she is constantly talking about me moving back home or if not moving to my brother's area with the idea my parents could move up there too. When I say constantly I mean every single time I phone them, or multiple times a day when I'm down there with them. I am finding it very stressful now. Everything I say can be related back to moving somehow. The problem is she finds my Dad a little bit annoying and they don't really have proper friends who come over or go out with or anything like that, they do both have hobbies though.

In an ideal world it would be lovely to all live together, and I do feel like we miss out on the family experience many others have. At the same time I like my life up here, I love the area, the people are lovely, I love my job, I love my boyfriend, it's significantly cheaper to live here, I struggle to make friends but I have a couple here, my field of work is not as comfortable in England as it is here (Wales) at the current time (NHS). I cant just cut my life out of here and move it, it is not that straightforward. I imagine my brother feels the same.

On the other hand I appreciate that at some point in life my parents may need caring for and I imagine something will have to give at some stage.

But I feel like I (and my brother) are supposed to be the soul source of my Mum's happiness and because we come from that area originally it is up to us to do the moving our lives. She has lived in that town her whole life and I can't imagine her moving, even up towards my grandparents I think she'd struggle. She is rather narrow minded and [town's name] people really are the creme de la creme and everyone else are peasants. All right that's a bit extreme but it is that sort of mindset. It's a very affluent middle class area which has better opportunities for people I admit than many other parts of the country, but somehow everyone else manages to live happy lives so I don't think it's worth the kidney I'd have to sell to own a property down there. Except my parents I have no other reason I'd want to move. I'm not sure I'd be happy. I'm sure my boyfriend wouldn't be happy living elsewhere from here either.

I could go on and on and on but I'm trying to keep it short. I suppose I feel my Mum has always been someone who needs to be made happy. As such I seem to have turned into an adult who feels the need to try and juggle everyone else's happiness. This also relates to feelings that she doesn't treat either of us like adults as much as she should, and I often feel like we are being 'tested' sometimes. She is a loving mother, don't get me wrong, her heart is in the right place and she doesn't mean to cause upset but she manages to stress me out an awful lot. I suppose I just need to vent. I guess I want someone just to tell me I'm not a horrible person for liking where I live now and that there is no easy simple solution that makes everyone happy.

- Just to add I may not reply tonight. Thanks for listening though.

You absolutely should not have to feel this pressure to move, it's so unfair. You have your life and your mum needs to accept it.

Don't feel guilty about it, it's your life.

kitrat

Tommelise wrote: »

Not much time but you should not feel guity that you want to stay where you are

your mother is wrong for constantly bringing it up. It does not help her eighter you will most likely just visit less because you are tired of the subject

Have you told her how you feel directly? Or do you just avoid the subject?

I have told her that it's not straightforward and all the reasons why I like it here. I've also said that I can't just cut myself out of my life here and that I feel like she makes out it's easy when it's not. She know's now that it stresses me out I think she understands, so now she just prefaces everything with "I know I shouldn't say this but.."

To be fair I think she is trying a little not to say things but obviously it doesn't make her feelings go away. And now every day I just feel guilty, I can't stop thinking about it. She obviously doesn't realise it bothers me this much. But at the same time she is an adult too and I can't be responsible for everything. I'd absolutely love for them to move up to my grandparents/brothers area, I think this would ease things off a lot.

kitrat

The thing is it would be lovely to have them both down the road, and if I ever had kids it would be nice for them to be near. I hate to think if anyone had long term health problems that I wouldn't be nearby. But I can't make everything match up, life is not that perfect.I have to go soon but thanks for the advice I need someone else's perspective.

missbiggles1

Three hours away isn't far - how often to you both go and visit each other?

FBaby

I think there are no two ways about it, you need to make it clear to her that you are happy where you are and if you moved back, it would be to make her happy at the risk of you losing your own. Surely that's not what she wants as a mum?

Obviously you can't predict the future, maybe one day things will change in your life and you will want to move back, or her needs would be such that indeed, you will have to care for her, but for the time being, she needs to find her own happiness independently of her own children, even if of course, they are still her primary source of joy and pride.

jackieblack

How far from you is your brother? Would your parents consider moving somewhere about halfway between where you and your brother live if it meant they would be closer to you both?

PasturesNew

Suggest your mum/dad move closer to the grandparents/brother .... then sign them up for estate agent details.

Buzzybee90

People shouldn't have children so they have someone to care for them in old age.

kitrat

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Three hours away isn't far - how often to you both go and visit each other?

I think I don't visit often enough. I must increase my visits I've realised this particularly the last year. But I visit many more times than they visit me unfortunately. I have nowhere to put them up, they have to get hotels, but they are not short of the cash to do this, though of course it's not for me to say how they ought to spend their money. My brother is a bit rubbish at keeping in touch, this doesn't help either.