Pressure from family

duchy

Plenty of Mums start to think ahead and realize that the dream they had of the kids coming home from uni and marrying local people and living up the road with grandchildren on tap isn't the certainty they once dreamt of.

"I couldn't afford a decent property down your way Mum but you could afford something fantastic up here -How about you and Dad move closer?"


"I know I shouldn't say anything......." - "Good so don't "<insert quick change of subject>

"Maybe when I win the lottery I can afford to move back"

If you haven't bought a property yet perhaps she sees renting as meaning you aren't staying there - and when and if you do she'll accept it more but regards you renting as a sign you aren't settled there ?

How old are your parents ? Are they retired yet ? Could she see pending retirement as a bit of a void she is looking at you to fill ?

kitrat

duchy wrote: »

Plenty of Mums start to think ahead and realize that the dream they had of the kids coming home from uni and marrying local people and living up the road with grandchildren on tap isn't the certainty they once dreamt of.

"I couldn't afford a decent property down your way Mum but you could afford something fantastic up here -How about you and Dad move closer?"


"I know I shouldn't say anything......." - "Good so don't "<insert quick change of subject>

"Maybe when I win the lottery I can afford to move back"

If you haven't bought a property yet perhaps she sees renting as meaning you aren't staying there - and when and if you do she'll accept it more but regards you renting as a sign you aren't settled there ?

How old are your parents ? Are they retired yet ? Could she see pending retirement as a bit of a void she is looking at you to fill ?

That last bit is what it boils down to probably. My Dad is now retired, she essentially is but does a bit if voluntary work one or two days a week. I think adjusting back to being full time in each others company has been a learning experience too

My brother has a house he owns and I suspected he doesn't get as much trouble off her but she assured me he does when I snapped once. Who knows what the truth is.

sheramber

I too had a mother who wanted her family around her all the time but it didn't happen.

You do need to make sure you are not unconsciously letting her believe you may agree to come 'home' one day.

If she gets the impression she is wearing you down she will continue to pursue it.



When she says 'I know I shouldn't say it' then quietly tell her 'no, you shouldn't' or 'I won't change my mind. I have a life here that I enjoy'.

You can also point out to her that she got to leave home and lead her own life and now it is time for you to have the same experience.

Soleil_lune

duchy wrote: »

Plenty of Mums start to think ahead and realize that the dream they had of the kids coming home from uni and marrying local people and living up the road with grandchildren on tap isn't the certainty they once dreamt of.

"I couldn't afford a decent property down your way Mum but you could afford something fantastic up here -How about you and Dad move closer?"


"I know I shouldn't say anything......." - "Good so don't "<insert quick change of subject>

"Maybe when I win the lottery I can afford to move back"

If you haven't bought a property yet perhaps she sees renting as meaning you aren't staying there - and when and if you do she'll accept it more but regards you renting as a sign you aren't settled there ?

How old are your parents ? Are they retired yet ? Could she see pending retirement as a bit of a void she is looking at you to fill ?

Yeah you're right. Some older people I know (over 50/55) are incensed when their kids move away and do not come back. My neighbour who is 53 has a son who went to university 125 miles away, and met his girlfriend there. She was from only 40 miles from the university, and they decided to move 20 miles from her home town.

Fact is, she has 6 sisters and brothers and about 20 nieces and nephews and her parents and grandparents, and a dozen friends. My neighbour's son has little to do with people in his home town (which is a bit boring and slow anyway,) and only has his mother and father, so he made the decision to stay in this university town.

All my neighbour does is whine and moan about it every time I see her. I can't help but think 'well move there then!'

Fings ain't wot they used to be folks! People don't always stay around the same town now.

trolleyrun

I moved countries a long time ago to go to uni. For the first 4 years here, I didn't get much hassle, but as soon as I finished my course, the "when are you moving home" questioning started. Not just from my mother, but from all the relatives - and there are lots of them. It lasted for years, until I snapped. I told them that what they were doing was emotional blackmail and it was unacceptable, especially as one of my male siblings didn't get any bother at all and he was several thousand miles further away than I.

I simply said that I didn't want to speak to any of them until they stopped the blackmail. None of them had ever visited me here, so they couldn't be missing me that much. I haven't heard from most of them since. That was a few years ago. I have no intentions of moving back there - it makes me shudder just thinking about it.

Do tell your mum that you are happy where you are and you don't want to move. Tell her my story if you wish, but add that you'd hate for such a thing to happen between the two of you as you love her dearly. She'll get it eventually. Good luck.

Savvy_Sue

kitrat wrote: »

But at the same time she is an adult too and I can't be responsible for everything.

Yes she is, and no you can't.

kitrat wrote: »

I'd absolutely love for them to move up to my grandparents/brothers area, I think this would ease things off a lot.

Start your own campaign along those lines ...

arbroath_lass wrote: »

I think you need to try the broken record technique. Instead of giving reasons why you can't (which makes it sound like you would if not for these obstacles) could you repeat something along the lines of, "I like it here, I'm not moving" whenever she brings it up? And maybe stop referring to it as "back home", that probably sends a message that you are not settled.

Agree with the broke record technique, good suggestions below ...

duchy wrote: »

"I couldn't afford a decent property down your way Mum but you could afford something fantastic up here -How about you and Dad move closer?"

"I know I shouldn't say anything......." - "Good so don't "<insert quick change of subject>

"Maybe when I win the lottery I can afford to move back"

And I'd practice a few of your own, especially if she has any particular broken records of her own.

And I also agree with the suggestion (not selected in my quotes) of ending the conversation if she insists on going over this. "Mum, you know we've had this conversation, so let's stop there and I'll call you again in a few days."

sheramber wrote: »

You can also point out to her that she got to leave home and lead her own life and now it is time for you to have the same experience.

Maybe ask if her mother (is it her parents your brother lives near?) gave her the same Chinese water torture when she moved on?

jackieblack

kitrat wrote: »

I don't like to reveal too much personal info, e.g. locations, but for the detectives out there I thought I'd throw you a bone :rotfl: the three cities we all live in the vicinity of are A) The location of Captain Scott's final departure from the UK on his expedition to the South Pole, The Titanic set sail on it's maiden and final voyage from the docks of this city, C) Lord Byron kept a bear in his room at this city's University.

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

Well I know the answer to the first two but may have to google the third!

i knew the second and third but had to look up the first

Peter333

OP do not let you parents put a guilt trip on you, you need to live your own life, or you will be full of resentment.

cr1mson

My mother has always told me that she considers she must have done a good job as me and my brother live so far away i.e. we are independent and visit on the basis of want not need.

My friend told embroidered this a bit to tell her nagging mother that successful mothers tend to have children who live further away and therefore she should consider herself a good mother! Seems to have worked!

elona

My mother tried to say to me that I was moving such a long way away (Glasgow to the north of England) when I got married - I then pointed out she had moved in the fifties from Germany to Scotland
when travel was a lot more difficult!!

She went a bit quiet after that.