Pressure from family

indiepanda

VfM4meplse wrote: »

I am astounded by the tone of the responses, summed up by this. The OP obviously loves and cares for her mother very much and should be proud of themselves.

OP - by being a considerate adult child, you are doing nothing wrong. Because you are so troubled by the situation, you do need to reach a compromise, which means your mum must know how you feel.

But what kind of compromise is there to be had? Her mother expects her to move back home, she is happy where she is and for good reasons. If she uproots herself to be closer but not back in her home town it sounds like her mother still won't be happy and she'll be less happy too - hardly a winning compromise. From what I can make out, the only reason the OP is unhappy is because her mother keeps nagging her, otherwise she'd be happy with her living arrangements.

I went away to university 24 years ago and never moved back home afterwards. I am closer to my parents living in London than I was at university or in my first couple of jobs, but I wouldn't move back to SE Essex. There's no work for me where my parents are, I'd have to do a long commute into London which would ruin my quality of life, and they wouldn't dream of suggesting it. They did go through a patch where I always seemed to be the one visiting them even though I had a spare room but things got more even some time ago. They don't visit now, but that's because my mum's mental health issues make it hard for Dad to get her out the house so I don't blame him for not trying.

I agree with the posters who say you need to be firmer with her about dropping the subject and point out all the advantages you have where you are. Has she even thought through the fact that in public sector jobs there isn't much variation in pay geographically and you'd be worse off living in the expensive area you were brought up? She sounds really quite selfish to me. You shouldn't have children expecting to control their adult life.

Flyonthewall

Have you spoken to your brother about it all? If not, perhaps you should. You could remind him to phone your parents more often as you said earlier he was a bit rubbish at keeping in contact and obviously you can share how you feel about it all. If he realises how much it's stressing you out maybe he'll make more of an effort with contact to try and reduce the stress.

Also, have you considered Skype? That way your parents get to see you without anyone having to actually go anywhere.

If they can't do so themselves, you could set it up for them. If they don't have a device you/they could buy a cheap laptop or tablet just for that. Worth the cost if it helps her to feel closer to you.

Your brother could also skype them as well.

Perhaps just do little things to show you're thinking of her too. Have a bunch of flowers sent to her or a little gift. Doesn't have to cost much, but just every so often send something, especially if it has been a little while since you've seen her.

While someone moving may be a future option it is a big thing for any of you to move and not as simple as it sounds. So just changing little things (especially for now) may make a big difference.

kitrat

no1catman wrote: »

So, perhaps your Mother is in Tunbridge wells, you are in maybe Swansea, with your brother perhaps being in maybe Nottingham!?


Your Parents aren't too old to do the travelling, have they ever been to Wales?

close but not quite! But similar travelling distances. I had to get google maps up :rotfl:

Yes they have been to Wales many times, we came on holiday as kids. My Dad loves it, if he had his own way I'm sure he'd move up here (maybe not quite in my location, maybe further west), but my Mum wouldn't want to, fair enough. They are certainly capable of doing the travelling, doesn't seem to happen too frequently though, they are both effectively retired now. I might buy an airbed then there can be no excuses :P

maman

I'm another who thinks your mother is being selfish. It may not be intentional but she's focusing on her own wants and needs and that's selfish IMO.

arbroath_lass wrote: »

I think you need to try the broken record technique. Instead of giving reasons why you can't (which makes it sound like you would if not for these obstacles) could you repeat something along the lines of, "I like it here, I'm not moving" whenever she brings it up? And maybe stop referring to it as "back home", that probably sends a message that you are not settled.

This is what I'd do. I think it's a mistake to discuss it. Just use a set couple of sentences and then stop.

no1catman wrote: »

So, perhaps your Mother is in Tunbridge wells, you are in maybe Swansea, with your brother perhaps being in maybe Nottingham!?

I thought Swansea and somewhere on the South Coast. That was my situation for many, many years. My mother accepted that I had a job and (eventually) a family and a life in England.


It was difficult as she got more elderly but I just upped the visits. I did have one brother living closer so it wasn't just down to me but OP's in that situation too.


OP I would talk to your brother but only to ask if he's put under the same pressure and how he deals with it. If he wants to move or have them near him then that's his choice you don't have to join in. Make it clear to him that you're staying put where you are.


I've said all this based on the fact that as your only 26? and have grandparents still alive your parents are youngish (50s? 60?s max). Your mother must wake up to the fact that life has changed, people don't stay in one place for ever, marry the boy next door, surrounded by extended family etc. That's what social mobility's all about.

kitrat

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

Perhaps I'm the wrong person to be replying to this thread but I think your mum is being incredible selfish.

As far as I was concerned when my son went to uni he'd flown the nest and although he has moved back I won't be upset when he moves out (though he knows - despite what some may think lol - he will always have a bed here)

I think its quite sad actually that in this day and age as well its almost assumed that you will be the one doing the caring for your parents rather than sharing it with your brother.

Sorry you may have misinterpreted what I said, I meant something had to give for one of us. That being either myself, my brother or my parents. I feel it is both our responsibilities should it come to that, I would feel wrong not being at least partly involved.

To the other poster, yes I'm 26, so hopefully that's a long way off.

kitrat

indiepanda wrote: »

Has she even thought through the fact that in public sector jobs there isn't much variation in pay geographically and you'd be worse off living in the expensive area you were brought up? She sounds really quite selfish to me. You shouldn't have children expecting to control their adult life.

It's true I'd be paid the same but the comparative house prices would rocket out of my league. The thing is my parents are happy to help financially to enable me to save but I want to be independent, and if I can save that much money I'd prefer to spread that between a house and all of lifes other needs/luxuries than just a house. Also none of this takes into account my other half who would then have had the way he spends his income dictated to him effectively.

Everyone is calling her selfish, I just want to reiterate maybe she is being a little selfish on this but generally she has not wanted anything but good things for us both, I know it's only because she loves us, bless her.

kitrat

Flyonthewall wrote: »

Have you spoken to your brother about it all? If not, perhaps you should. You could remind him to phone your parents more often as you said earlier he was a bit rubbish at keeping in contact and obviously you can share how you feel about it all. If he realises how much it's stressing you out maybe he'll make more of an effort with contact to try and reduce the stress.

Also, have you considered Skype? That way your parents get to see you without anyone having to actually go anywhere.

If they can't do so themselves, you could set it up for them. If they don't have a device you/they could buy a cheap laptop or tablet just for that. Worth the cost if it helps her to feel closer to you.

Your brother could also skype them as well.

Perhaps just do little things to show you're thinking of her too. Have a bunch of flowers sent to her or a little gift. Doesn't have to cost much, but just every so often send something, especially if it has been a little while since you've seen her.

While someone moving may be a future option it is a big thing for any of you to move and not as simple as it sounds. So just changing little things (especially for now) may make a big difference.

I think this may be they key. I'm not sure I can fix my brother though lol. Yes skype or similar is something my mum had suggested but I couldn't make it work last time, I think I will give it another try.

kitrat

maman wrote: »

I thought Swansea and somewhere on the South Coast. That was my situation for many, many years. My mother accepted that I had a job and (eventually) a family and a life in England.

...

I've said all this based on the fact that as your only 26? and have grandparents still alive your parents are youngish (50s? 60?s max). Your mother must wake up to the fact that life has changed, people don't stay in one place for ever, marry the boy next door, surrounded by extended family etc. That's what social mobility's all about.

You are all such fantastic sleuths!

Yes unfortunately many peoples lives are different now. She comments on the people who she knows who still have their children nearby and it upsets her, but she doesn't mention the ones who live elsewhere or abroad now! I do though!

Ahh I do sympathise with her though, my boyfriend has all his family within 15 minutes and it is lovely for him. Life is too tricky sometimes!

kitrat

Well thank you everyone you have made me feel a lot better knowing I am not totally off the mark on this one. It has relieved a lot of stress. I appreciate all of your advice, I will continue to reiterate my feelings, and I think a few more visits to them would be good and I'll try and make skype work again. Really the advice has been wonderful.

I don't like to reveal too much personal info, e.g. locations, but for the detectives out there I thought I'd throw you a bone :rotfl: the three cities we all live in the vicinity of are A) The location of Captain Scott's final departure from the UK on his expedition to the South Pole, The Titanic set sail on it's maiden and final voyage from the docks of this city, C) Lord Byron kept a bear in his room at this city's University.

gettingtheresometime

kitrat wrote: »

Well thank you everyone you have made me feel a lot better knowing I am not totally off the mark on this one. It has relieved a lot of stress. I appreciate all of your advice, I will continue to reiterate my feelings, and I think a few more visits to them would be good and I'll try and make skype work again. Really the advice has been wonderful.

I don't like to reveal too much personal info, e.g. locations, but for the detectives out there I thought I'd throw you a bone :rotfl: the three cities we all live in the vicinity of are A) The location of Captain Scott's final departure from the UK on his expedition to the South Pole, The Titanic set sail on it's maiden and final voyage from the docks of this city, C) Lord Byron kept a bear in his room at this city's University.

Well I know the answer to the first two but may have to google the third!

I've always thought though its incredible selfish , unless there is a strong reason for it, why its expected that one side (ie child or parent) should do all the travelling....my sister being a case in point!