Pressure from family

fairy_lights

kitrat wrote: »

I think I don't visit often enough. I must increase my visits I've realised this particularly the last year. But I visit many more times than they visit me unfortunately. I have nowhere to put them up, they have to get hotels, but they are not short of the cash to do this, though of course it's not for me to say how they ought to spend their money. My brother is a bit rubbish at keeping in touch, this doesn't help either.

You shouldn't have to feel guilty for not visiting more, you have your own life to lead. I don't think it's at all unreasonable for them to visit you and stay in a hotel, especially if they can easily afford it.
From what you've said about staying in the city after leaving uni, I'm guessing you're in your 20's? if this is the case then your parents can't be old enough to need looking after for a long while yet - they need to live their own lives and stop relying on their children so much.

gettingtheresometime

Perhaps I'm the wrong person to be replying to this thread but I think your mum is being incredible selfish.

As far as I was concerned when my son went to uni he'd flown the nest and although he has moved back I won't be upset when he moves out (though he knows - despite what some may think lol - he will always have a bed here)

I think its quite sad actually that in this day and age as well its almost assumed that you will be the one doing the caring for your parents rather than sharing it with your brother.

onlyroz

You need to live your own life and do what is best for you.

Both me and my brother moved over 200 miles away from our home town. We both ended up in the South of England, and a few years ago our parents upped sticks and moved down here as well, once it became clear that we were settled here. They now live about a mile away from me. I certainly didn't put any pressure on them to move, and they never expected me or my brother to move back "home". It took my dad longer than my mum to settle down here, but they now both admit that their lives are far fuller now, and they have a busier social life than I do.

missbiggles1

fairy_lights wrote: »

You shouldn't have to feel guilty for not visiting more, you have your own life to lead. I don't think it's at all unreasonable for them to visit you and stay in a hotel, especially if they can easily afford it.
From what you've said about staying in the city after leaving uni, I'm guessing you're in your 20's? if this is the case then your parents can't be old enough to need looking after for a long while yet - they need to live their own lives and stop relying on their children so much.

You can only know that if you knew how often the OP goes back for a visit and she hasn't said. For most people visiting parents is part of their own lives, not something bolted on to the real thing.

BitterAndTwisted

You left home eight years ago, practically a life-time ago.

I also think your mother is being very selfish and incredibly unfair to try and put such pressure on you.

In your place I would refuse to discuss it. Live your life. You mother is responsible for her own happiness, not you.

gettingtheresometime

In fact, thinking about it, every time you spoke to your mum I would be stressing how happy and settled you were where you live.

liuhutOz

I live a 24 hour flight away from my parents! 3 hours is nothing :-)

Maybe suggest to her that you've seen a job in Australia, then say that you've decided to stay put. It might make her realise that 3 hours is fine.

Purplesky_2

I'd recommend a skim of a book called 'the emotionally absent mother' - please don't be put off by the title. But it talks about how people can set effective boundaries.
Also, you might want to look at 'mother's who can't love' as it seems that your mother is a little needy and being a little selfish.

Again, please don't look at the titles (and don't think that I'm disparaging your parents, because I'm not!), the content is what's important.

I have a mother who was like this for AGES. Still is in many respects. I've managed to get her down from 5-7 45 min phone calls a week to just three, using the insight and techniques outlined in these books and the relief was amazing. And now she CAN'T even phone me three nights a week anyway unless it's something desperate because she's simply too busy.

I moved out 6 years ago under similar circumstances, though luckily things worked out for me and we bought a house. It was only when I bought a 2-bed house that she recognised that we are now settled here.

She's talking about retiring here now and comes up for several days at a time (because we have the room now! Never mind that she latches on and doesn't give me a moment's peace... She's coming up on Monday, can you tell?), which is also somewhat stressful, and which I need to develop stronger boundaries for.

Good luck!

FBaby

My kids are only teenagers, but when my mind let me imagine life in 10-15 years time, I see myself retired, with both my kids living near by, with lovely respectful partners, gorgeous grand-children who I look after once a week, telling me that they loved me....

Ha ha, the reality is that it would be a miracle if they live in the same town and I would just be grateful if they actually still reside in the UK. They are both very ambitious, love going abroad, and DD is even already talking about going to live in Africa! I might have a better chance with DS who is a bit of a mummy's boy, but then that might be because he can't get a girlfriend!!

Honestly OP, if your mum is putting pressure on you, it's because she's built dreams that were selfish and unrealistic. Of course you feel that you should do your best to make her happy, and you do feel selfish when the choices you've made goes against it, but it is not your fault. I totally agree with Bennifred, it might leave it, the more painful it will become.

VfM4meplse

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

You left home eight years ago, practically a life-time ago.

I also think your mother is being very selfish and incredibly unfair to try and put such pressure on you.

In your place I would refuse to discuss it. Live your life. You mother is responsible for her own happiness, not you.

I am astounded by the tone of the responses, summed up by this. The OP obviously loves and cares for her mother very much and should be proud of themselves.

OP - by being a considerate adult child, you are doing nothing wrong. Because you are so troubled by the situation, you do need to reach a compromise, which means your mum must know how you feel.