Pressure from family

kitrat

jackieblack wrote: »

How far from you is your brother? Would your parents consider moving somewhere about halfway between where you and your brother live if it meant they would be closer to you both?

About 4 hours. I think it would suit everyone better if they moved near him as the area is just as lovely as where they live now and we have visited it all our lives so it is a home from home, my Dad spent a few years there before leaving home. Also aunts and uncles live nearby there too.

kitrat

Buzzybee90 wrote: »

People shouldn't have children so they have someone to care for them in old age.

No of course not, but I could't live with myself as they have been excellent parents. Might I add this has never been something my Mum has suggested, just a thought in my own head.

When_the_going_gets_tough

We bring our children up to fly free. When they do it can be a bit tough but it is absolutely the right thing. You have your own life to lead. Your mum is an adult and is responsible for her own happiness. Live your life to the full and try not to worry.

arbroath_lass

kitrat wrote: »

I have told her that it's not straightforward and all the reasons why I like it here. I've also said that I can't just cut myself out of my life here and that I feel like she makes out it's easy when it's not. She know's now that it stresses me out I think she understands, so now she just prefaces everything with "I know I shouldn't say this but.."

I think you need to try the broken record technique. Instead of giving reasons why you can't (which makes it sound like you would if not for these obstacles) could you repeat something along the lines of, "I like it here, I'm not moving" whenever she brings it up? And maybe stop referring to it as "back home", that probably sends a message that you are not settled.

elsien

kitrat wrote: »

The thing is it would be lovely to have them both down the road.

It may be lovely in principle, it may well be far less lovely in practice. The dropping in unexpectedly more often than you might like, the expectation that now you're home you'll be far more available to be doing things with them at weekends, if you're really lucky and mum has a key for emergencies you might find her just letting herself in "so you don't have the bother of getting up to answer the door."

I too had a lonely parent, and all the above happened - it drove me up the wall. Frank conversations changed nothing, what did improve things was parent joining a gym and developing new interests and friendships.
If you are your mums main source of happiness, picture how intrusive that could get if she's struggling with boundaries now, and the expectations the move might give her.

Person_one

Just off the top of my head I know of families with adult children who've settled in the US, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, China, Japan and Thailand. A few hours away within the UK is nothing, your parents are lucky!

You have no reason to feel guilty at all, and I'd suggest taking a firm approach with your mum on this. Tell her once, politely, that it upsets you when she continually brings it up so if she does you must warn her in advance that you'll have to end the conversation with her at that point. Then, follow through! When she mentions it say "Mum, you know this topic is off limits, so I'm going to put the phone down now. I'll call you in a few days, goodbye."

A few repeats of that, and she'll realise that you're serious.

It sounds like you've done all your explaining and reasoning many time over, so there's nothing to be gained from keep doing it.

kitrat

arbroath_lass wrote: »

I think you need to try the broken record technique. Instead of giving reasons why you can't (which makes it sound like you would if not for these obstacles) could you repeat something along the lines of, "I like it here, I'm not moving" whenever she brings it up? And maybe stop referring to it as "back home", that probably sends a message that you are not settled.

Haha. I thought I was doing this but maybe I just need to persevere! I think the part I bolded is maybe a problem. Things have been a bit unsettled, but now I'm living with my boyfriend I feel like I am. The problem is until now I've lived in tiny flats in the city and I don't think she perceives those as real homes

It's daft but the landscape here just feels lovely. It is where we used to come on holidays and it feels like home. Down south just doesn't feel the same and up where my brother is feels positively bleak and depressing to me.

balletshoes

kitrat wrote: »

I have told her that it's not straightforward and all the reasons why I like it here. I've also said that I can't just cut myself out of my life here and that I feel like she makes out it's easy when it's not. She know's now that it stresses me out I think she understands, so now she just prefaces everything with "I know I shouldn't say this but.."

To be fair I think she is trying a little not to say things but obviously it doesn't make her feelings go away. And now every day I just feel guilty, I can't stop thinking about it. She obviously doesn't realise it bothers me this much. But at the same time she is an adult too and I can't be responsible for everything. I'd absolutely love for them to move up to my grandparents/brothers area, I think this would ease things off a lot.

Stop feeling guilty. You have no reason to feel guilty, and you are not responsible for your mum's happiness, just like she is not responsible for yours, now you are an adult and run your own life.

you can't make anyone's feelings go away, just like you feel the way you feel, your mum feels the way she does. You've said she is trying to button it constantly about you moving back to her home, so she's trying. If your last conversations, being firm and telling her you're settled where you are, seem to be working, stick with that tack in future.

I do think its wrong of your mum to constantly be planning for your return to her home in the future. Lets hope, with you being firm with her on the subject, she gets the message soon, relieve the pressure for you all.

Bennifred

I actually think you are not doing your mother any favours by NOT being blunt!

If she is holding out for you to move near to her, she's (kind of) putting her life on hold until that happens. I think you should make it clear that you are happy where you are and will not be moving - no caveats about the future, etc. If she can accept that, then she'll either settle for where she is, or make plans to move. I understand that she loves where she is - well so do you! Tell her she can move close to your brother, or you, but that you will not be. You can't live your life around your mother's desires, you would eventually resent it.

no1catman

So, perhaps your Mother is in Tunbridge wells, you are in maybe Swansea, with your brother perhaps being in maybe Nottingham!?


Your Parents aren't too old to do the travelling, have they ever been to Wales?