sharing houses and selfish people

tomstickland

Heating on in the summer. What's that all about?
I really can't understand people who always want a building to be at 25degrees, walking around in a T shirt in the middle of winter.

Idiophreak

I think there's a lot of issues here:

1) I agree, to some extent, with fimonkey...Someone shouldn't have to live being cold - and they might not want to wear a jumper...So, I'm sad to say, if they want the heating on (yes, even if it's in the summer (it's summer where you live!?!) and they're tottering about naked), you just have to swallow it. Saying that someone can't have the heating on unless *you're* cold is...kinda mental. (or, dare I say it, "selfish"?)

2) Leaving the heating on when they're not there is just wrong. But do you know for sure that she hasn't been switching the heating on and off and just knocked it to timer by accident last time she went to turn it off?

3) The best way to deal with this is, as always, just to talk to each other...

daphne_descends

I'm not sure why you don't just say 'do you realise the heating is on...' and go from there. Why the big song and dance, and aren't you hard done by.

wherediditallgo

I agree with you, olly. When one of my friends lived at home, she had all the comforts - washing machine, tv, music system, food whenever she needed it, access to whatever was in the fridge freezer, the phone etc. Her mum did her washing more often than not, & usually the ironing too. Other than keep her room reasonably tidy, she did no housework except the occasional bit of washing up. She paid £40pw on a Friday & would sometimes have borrowed £20 of that back from her mum by the Sunday. I'd been out of my family home for years by then, & I told her to stop borrowing her keep from her mum because (a) once she left home, she'd find she couldn't do that with a landlord, & (b) that £40 keep money didn't even come close to what she should have been paying, given what was provided for her. She refused to listen. One day her older sister asked her parents if she could move back home (she'd split with her boyfriend, & needed to bring her baby home). Of course her parents said yes. One screaming baby later, & my friend decided to leave home. She got a shock - her rent was obviously much higher & didn't include bills, her flatmates weren't prepared to put up with food disappearing off their shelves that they'd paid for, they got fed up with lights & tvs being left on running up the bills, they didn't think it was on for her boyfriend to stop over 3 nights a week & spend ages in the bathroom meaning they had to wait, etc. She couldn't/wouldn't pay her own way, got on their nerves & ended up being asked to leave. She's been through umpteen flatshares since then (some only lasted a couple of months), & it's only in the last couple that she's realised just how good she had it with her family.

I've had my own home for many years, but having lived in several flat & houseshares in my teens & twenties, I'm of the firm belief that most of the people who moan that others are too fussy, too miserable etc are the very ones who show precious little consideration for other people's belongings & feelings. They expect people who aren't even your friends yet never mind family to put up with selfish behaviour, because according to them they would in their shoes, when the reality is that they never bother to have enough for other people to help themselves to in the first place! That doesn't make them horrible people, but it does make them people who haven't learned that being able to share & show respect for others work hand in hand - if you're prepared to do at least one of those, you'll get at least one of those back. If you're not prepared to do either of them, you'll get neither.

The people in this case need to talk to each other. Sometimes things are done accidentally, & the person will correct the situation once they're made aware of it. But some people are very well aware of what they're doing, & expect you to go along with it.

melancholly

fac73 wrote: »

I'm not sure why you don't just say 'do you realise the heating is on...' and go from there. Why the big song and dance, and aren't you hard done by.

which is exactly how we did deal with it. i came on here just after finding out and had a rant - and i said it was a rant! i would never deal with the person like that but i was pretty annoyed and needed to vent!! i don't want to start a huge arguement with any housemate but i was entitied to be annoyed and now it is all dealt with, very 'sensitively' and carefully. don't take a kneejerk rant as an indicator of how the issue was finally resolved!

i don't want anyone to think i went charging in and shouted at the girl! i was more annoyed that i like her and get on with her and i didn't want to fall out over this, and that i really didn't expect it from her, given discussions in the house that we've all had!

all sorted now - heating off - and anyone who wants to put it on (me included) will make sure that they check with/inform the rest of the house.

fimonkey

Yes house shares are about respect and being SENSIBLE and they're also also give and take, and no I don't mean in the literal sense of take some-ones stuff without asking.

However, if I am in the middle of cooking my dinner, realise I've run out of an essential ingredient and my housemates aren't around to ask if I can use some of theirs, I know that I can anyway, no problems! I will replace it before they return, but I certainly wouldn't stop my cooking mid-way.. walk on down to the shops for the one item, walk back etc... and in return my housemates know they can have anything of mine, use my stuff etc, as long as it's replaced, not damaged or broken.... you see we're housemates, but we're friends too! that's where the respect comes into it.

I personally would not want to live with anyone who gets irate when a splash of their milk is borrowed, "MY MILK, MY POSSESSIONS, ME ME ME".. THAT is selfish! However I'm not one who will do this over and over again and that's where the distinction is to be made. If I've borrowed your milk, I will replace it! In return, feel free to borrow my milk if you have run out also. If I'm away and you have friends to stay, sure you can use my room, as long as it's left how you found it. You see it's also about TRUST! I trust my housemates, and vice versa..

Wherediditallgo: I would absolutely NEVER live anywhere where it was dictated as to when I could use the washing machine. If I have three loads to be washed, why would it matter whether I washed the three loads one after the other on my 'once a week' allowance or one load every day (as long as someone else didn't need it)? Still using the same amount of energy.... Or is it that you can only wash one load a week?? Surely i'm not the only person whom thinks this is ridiculous??

To be honest, if you're (collective you're, not aimed at any one person) bothered about making sure every last penny is accounted for, that you don't pay more than your share, that your milk or a slice of bread is never borrowed without 14 days notice in writing, then you really shouldn't be living in a house share (certainly not the same one I live in at least) ;-)

OP, glad you got the rant out of your system, provided some good discussion for the rest of us too!

pollyanna24

Hmm, all very interesting.

I own a house with my bf and we have gradually built up some lodgers (friends and family), but as they are similar ages to us, suppose it is more like housesharing.

I think we are way too nice to our lodgers going by some comments on here.

I pay all the bills and they just give me rent (which is nominal, but going up as of next month). I must admit in hindsight this sounded like a great idea, but you don't realise how much leccie is going to go up by!! Oh vell.

I also buy and cook all the food for them (if they are in for dinner, we figured it was easier for me to bung a few extra spuds in the pan rather than them using even more lecci by the oven being used so many times in one evening).

If I have a problem with any of them, I just tell them. Have had a few rows, tact isn't my good point acc to my bf, I just fly in there and rant! :rotfl:

Never occured to me to limit the amount they use the washing machine, they're only blokes, so they're not too bad. :rotfl:

As for the heating thing, they thingie to change it is downstairs and I would go mad if anyone touched it, but then that's me. I know they are paying their share (kinda), but the bill comes out of my bank, so if they are cold, ask me or bf first if they can turn it on. Am I mean? Possibly, but I (or our dog) probably feel the cold more than them anyways, so they should be okay.

wherediditallgo

fimonkey wrote: »

Wherediditallgo: I would absolutely NEVER live anywhere where it was dictated as to when I could use the washing machine. If I have three loads to be washed, why would it matter whether I washed the three loads one after the other on my 'once a week' allowance or one load every day (as long as someone else didn't need it)? Still using the same amount of energy.... Or is it that you can only wash one load a week?? Surely i'm not the only person whom thinks this is ridiculous??

To be honest, if you're (collective you're, not aimed at any one person) bothered about making sure every last penny is accounted for, that you don't pay more than your share, that your milk or a slice of bread is never borrowed without 14 days notice in writing, then you really shouldn't be living in a house share (certainly not the same one I live in at least) ;-)

OP, glad you got the rant out of your system, provided some good discussion for the rest of us too!

Never say never :rolleyes: The landlord lived on the premises & included the cost of electricity in the rent, so it was for him to say how much of that cost he was prepared to absorb. He had very few rules, but that was one of them. He'd calculated a certain amount of rent per room, done a rough calculation of the cost for gas & electricity & then charged an all-inclusive amount. If we'd all used the machine at whim, then he'd have been getting less rent because part of it would be going to pay the higher electricity bills. His choice would then have been to either separate the electricity bill from the rent, making everyone split it so that he didn't have to cover it, or increase the rent & risk losing tenants. One load a week for single people without children was enough for everyone except this one person, who decided she was going to do her thing without discussing it with him, though she knew that was one of the conditions of being there.

I didn't have a problem with it then (you could always handwash small items, as there was a laundry room in which to hang them), & if I needed accommodation now I still wouldn't have a big problem with it. You put up with certain things according to your level of need for others - I needed a roof over my head at a cost I could afford relatively near to work, & if having to put up with using a machine only once a week was one of the T & C's of being there then so be it. In my home now I do as I please, but in his home I had to live by his rules or live somewhere else, & as he was living there I saw nothing wrong with that. As it turned out, he was the best landlord I had out of the lot - maybe I think that because, having been made aware of his rules when I went to view the room, I didn't breach them once I moved in. He by the same token didn't expect things of me that hadn't been explained to me in advance, & he lived by the same courtesies he expected of us - eg he didn't have people over to stay without consulting us first, & he made his guests wait until we'd used the bathroom & kitchen before they could.

As for the borrowing of other people's food etc, you may well have done it on very few occasions & you may well have been the sort to have no problem with people doing the same in return with your things. That's fair enough. But when you move into shared accommodation, you often don't move there with friends - the people start off as strangers, & they need to learn each other's ways & as you say learn to give & take. There's nothing give & take about the person who'll swipe some of your sausages when you're living on a tight budget & don't have the money to get more, then tell you they'll replace them & do it when they feel like it as opposed to when you need it (if they do it at all). Trust is something you can't assume will be there in the immediate future, or ever at all. I've lived in houses where the people saw each other for maybe 15 minutes a day - each did their own thing, shared fridges, cupboard space & common areas, but nothing else. I've also lived in places where people spent almost as much time in your room as you did, because you'd always be chatting about something or another. Most shared accommodation is somewhere between the two, & it takes time to work that out - people can't assume that what they were allowed to do at home or in previous shared accommodation is going to be acceptable in the new one.

The tension in shared households isn't usually caused by people who won't share - you get to know that pretty quickly & you work around it. Far more tension is caused by the people who take but won't ask, don't replace things they've used without being prompted to do so, & replace things (if they do so) at their own leisure regardless of your need for it. Anyway, the OP's got her situation sorted out now & the person's moving out soon, so they can make sure the heating issue is crystal clear to the next person who moves in.

Idiophreak

pollyanna24 wrote: »

I know they are paying their share (kinda), but the bill comes out of my bank, so if they are cold, ask me or bf first if they can turn it on. Am I mean?

It depends, really...your situation is different to the OP - as it is actually *your house* and so it's not *so* harsh you trying to dictate what other people do... (still a bit odd though, imho)

pollyanna24

Yeah, I can appreicate it seems odd, but the way I see it, we were doing them a favour by letting them live in our house after we'd only had it about 6 months. They don't pay us very much by the way, so I think I'm not being too bad about saying they have to ask about stuff like that. They do think I'm the mad money grabbing type though. :rotfl: Hmm, I call it money saving, don't see the point in spending money when I don't have to.