Thinking of leaving my husband

19lottie82

warmhands.coldheart wrote: »

Divorce or rehome the dog.... Hmmmmm tough choice !!

Oh I see, it's that simple, choose to re home the dog or get a divorce?

What a stupid comment.

heartbreak_star

warmhands.coldheart wrote: »

Oh for pitty sake.. like I just mean go out and dump it somewhere!!! re-home it, it's hardly animal cruelty!!

As for keeping a dog outside all the time being cruel.. get a grip.. how exactly is that cruel??? Dogs are animals... They are a pet. I have a dog who has always been kept outside since a pup.... He never gets into the house because of the amount of hair he sheds. He's a fair old age now and has never had any issued outside. Discipline and training means he never just barks all the time.. (though he doesn't like the postman or people turning or walking up our drive).
People treating dogs like people and part of the family is not seen as a good thing in many dog training circles... they are a pack animal and if they get above their station that's when they attack or bite !!

Rehoming for convenience IS cruel really, it should be a last resort to uproot a creature from everything it knows! And keeping a dog outside when it's minus temperatures or when it's ill just because of a bit of hair...that's no way to love an animal really.


And that may be the opinion in some rather old-fashioned training circles - the pack mentality training is a bit outdated now (see the Pets board).


I'm glad your methods have worked with your dog, but I think I'll keep mine inside with access to outside, and well-cuddled. YMMV.


Back on subject, I definitely think more communication is good OP and I am glad you have started that I also reckon thinking outside the box is the way forward, for example what LiR said regarding play on bedroom floors only


I really wish you well!

HBS x

Georgiegirl256

warmhands.coldheart wrote: »

Oh for pitty sake.. like I just mean go out and dump it somewhere!!! re-home it, it's hardly animal cruelty!!

As for keeping a dog outside all the time being cruel.. get a grip.. how exactly is that cruel??? Dogs are animals... They are a pet. I have a dog who has always been kept outside since a pup.... He never gets into the house because of the amount of hair he sheds. He's a fair old age now and has never had any issued outside. Discipline and training means he never just barks all the time.. (though he doesn't like the postman or people turning or walking up our drive).
People treating dogs like people and part of the family is not seen as a good thing in many dog training circles... they are a pack animal and if they get above their station that's when they attack or bite !!

What's the point in having a pet if they're going to spend all their time outside? Surely that's the point of having a pet, to have companionship, for it to be another member of the family? I've always wondered why people do that? The only reason I can think of is if it's going to be a guard dog.

I wouldn't go as far as treating an animal like a person, but they're definitely part of the family!

FBaby

It's not about the dog hair and vaccuming alone. It takes 10 mns to vaccum a room. In 24 hours, that's not much. I expect OP mention it just as one of those things that she does routinely that her OH doesn't give a thought of. With the rest, it accumulates.

I loved that programme when SAHM swapped with their working husband for a week at times when they fell into that resentment trap. In most cases, taking on the role of the other came as a huge surprise. It's natural to assume that when you are at the end of your tether with the demands of your life, the other one has it much easier. It is rarely the case just different.

skint_chick

Can you get the kids into a summer scheme so you have a few hours off for a bit each week? It sounds though you're struggling to cope with the kids and setting some unnecessarily high standards for housework. I don't think it's fair to ask your husband to work all day and then cook and then do housework. You need to find a better balance with the kids and maintaining your home. At their ages they can tidy their own toys and get themselves dressed etc. Maybe you could join some mum and toddler groups, it can get a bit much being on your own with no adult company - also look into college courses that offer free childcare or maybe a class once a week you can go too while OH has some dad time with the kids. You definitely need to give OH his space when he's working, just because he works at home doesn't mean you should interrupt him. Maybe he could make time to have lunch with you once or twice a week in return for uninterrupted time the rest of the week?

dirty_magic

pmlindyloo wrote: »

I can totally understand where you are coming from.

It's not really about the housework or the looking after the kids. It is really about your feeling that all your husband does is work and takes no interest in the kids/arrangements for them/finances/decision making etc etc.

This can make you resentful and you are feeling that everything is down to you and your OH is just providing the money.

I am sorry to say that many partners are like this. It is usually because their job is very stressful and they are totally knack3ered at the end of the day. And of course, so are you! Relationships are rarely 50/50 in most cases and someone is usually the one holding it all together. In a way this often changes during the relationship, whether it is because the kids get older - dad taking the kids to football etc etc (and some dads find young ones difficult to relate to) or because the pressure of work eases - partner gets part time work - can afford a cleaner - less money worries/whatever.

As hard as it is, from what you say, there are still very good reasons to stay in your marriage.

Try to see it as part and parcel of a relationship. There will be bad times and good times. In the future there may be times when your OH has to take more responsibility and I'm sure he will. At the moment you are going to have to take on roles that you think he should play a part in. So be it. You will feel much better if you can accept this.

That is not to say that you can't have a moan! We are not perfect. Do try to take on board all of the suggestions given here, some really good ones.

Stop feelings resentful, put a smile on your face and be grateful for the good things.

I was going to say something along these lines but pmlindyloo worded it better!

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP. I think it's quite draining to be a stay at home parent, I know I couldn't do it! The husband has said himself that it's easier to be at work.

PeacefulWaters

This isn't a pop at the OP.

But how many of us get a feeling of "I'm unhappy, it's my partner's fault, I need something different" when it really isn't your partner's fault at all?

Gigglepig

OP if you leave your husband you will still have the hard work of being a sahm and challenges of mental health issues? You just won't have your husband there to support and provide for you. I don't know you but it does not sound like you would be better off to me.

I agree with other posters that it would be good to explore all options for part time childcare so you can get some breaks.

Regarding house work I'd look at all options to simplify and perhaps lower standards if need be. Can you afford a cleaner, or a roomba (hoover robot), or to pay someone for ironing/gardening/whatever tasks you can outsource?

If the work of having the dog is too much, do you have a family member who would take on the dog and love it as much as you do, whom the dog already knows and where you could visit? I love animals but would not let pets jeopardise my marriage or mental health - you are clearly unhappy with things the way they are. The cost of having a dog (food, insurance, vaccines) might also go a long way towards having a cleaner in a couple of hours a month if that is the support you need.

Would your husband be open to swapping cooking one or some days a week for another task that you find particularly challenging or dull?

LannieDuck

Wow, OP I'm sorry you've had so many harsh replies on this thread. I disagree completely with the majority of them.

I was a SAHM for the last year with my 3yo and 1yo. I can honestly say it was the hardest year of my life. I'm back at work now and it's so much easier. I'm dropping down to 4 days a week (because my OH wants to increase his hours to 4 days a week), and tbh I really hope that the childcare is a bit easier now they're slightly older.

Looking after two children under school age and doing any household jobs is a really challenge. I might be able to get a meal cooked, or hoover around the house or make a few phone calls while looking after my DDs... but realistically only one of those per day. And that's only during the hour that the 1yo has her nap. There's no way I could do the cooking and all the housework and look after the kids. It simply wouldn't happen, and I'm in awe of any domestic goddesses (or gods) that do manage it. My OH currently looks after the kids for two days a week and he says exactly the same thing.

It's hard. It's really, really hard. I agree with previous posters who suggest using the free childcare allowance and putting your kids in nursery for a bit to give you some time to get other jobs done. It'll also help the children get used to a school-ish environment. (And my kids really enjoy the days they go to nursery and get to see their friends.)

Wrt chores, the way we do it is that OH and I feel we should be working the same number of hours per day. And yes, childcare very definitely counts as work! So whoever's at home with the kids gets as many of the chores done during the day as they can, and anything left over when the other person comes home is split between the two of us.

If you think you're still in love with your OH, I would suggest trying to make the relationship work until DS1 goes to school. See if that takes the pressure off a bit and re-evaluate how you feel then.

toniq

warmhands.coldheart wrote: »

Get rid of the dog then or keep it outside..... Problem sorted !!

Why do people make things hard for themselves and then complain about it...

warmhands.coldheart wrote: »

Oh for pitty sake.. like I just mean go out and dump it somewhere!!! re-home it, it's hardly animal cruelty!!

As for keeping a dog outside all the time being cruel.. get a grip.. how exactly is that cruel??? Dogs are animals... They are a pet. I have a dog who has always been kept outside since a pup.... He never gets into the house because of the amount of hair he sheds. He's a fair old age now and has never had any issued outside. Discipline and training means he never just barks all the time.. (though he doesn't like the postman or people turning or walking up our drive).
People treating dogs like people and part of the family is not seen as a good thing in many dog training circles... they are a pack animal and if they get above their station that's when they attack or bite !!

You really do have a cold heart.