Thinking of leaving my husband

moneysaver12

I'm not happy with my marriage. when we married nearly six years,ago I thought we would spend the rest of our life together.together, never imagined I would be thinking of leaving.

We have two young children. I'm 36 and husband is 46. We have been together 8 years.

My husband thinks there is nothing wrong with our marriage, I feel like we have been going round in circles for over a year now. I have told him a couple of weeks ago that I'm unhappy. we seem to plod along then resement builds up on my part and I end up having a go at him.

My husband works full time, mainly from home, Job can be stressful at times. I try now to not really talk to him when he's working as I get snapped at. I'm a stay at home mum. going to look for a job when youngest starts school next year, oldest starts this year. the does scare me because of my mental health.

My husband does provide for us, I do have a bit of my own money which mainly goes on our boys. as I have mental health issues and get disability

My husband does most of the cooking, I do most of the,house work, he doesn't really do much house work. he helps put our boys to bed together.

Evenings seem to be spent with him watching TV and me either reading or on the Internet sat next to each other. we don't get to have nights out, the times that we have, it's been up to me to try and find a baby sitter (family not supportive) and husband family live nearly 200 miles away. he won't make the effort to find a baby sitter. I tried date nights at home and whilst they were nice it was all down to me, and I felt he moaned.

He seems to moan a lot which I'm fed up of. He will say he will help more with house work which happens,for a couple of weeks then everything goes back to how it used to be.

We barely have sex and he kept making excuses and then he finally told me that his sex drive is low. it's got to the point where I don't want sex with him and now try to avoid on the rare occasions or feel like I'm going through the motions if I do have sex.

I have told him countless times I'm unhappy, have suggested divorce, he says he is happy and he says everything he does is for me and our boys. he won't go to marriage counselling. we are on holiday and I was hoping it would bring us closer but I don't feel that it has. I do love him, would say I fancy him a bit not like I used to.

I don't want to hurt him, don't want to hurt our children and we rent the house and I don't have anywhere else me and our children can go. I don't know how much longer I can do this

Thank you for reading

itchyextremist

It doesn't sound fair that he does all the cooking and works a hard stressful job to provide for you and your children and yet you moan at him for not doing housework.

Caroline_a

During the period of time when I was a stay at home mum I never expected my husband to help with any housework, cooking, gardening etc, or indeed any organising of outings. I felt this was my 'job', and any help I did get was a big bonus.

It looks to me as if you are bored - if you aren't happy with your husband providing for you, doing most of the cooking, etc, how on earth are you going to cope as a single parent?

Georgiegirl256

I'm sorry you're feeling so unhappy about things, but the bits that jumped out at me more than any other parts were the parts about housework. If your husband is working full time in a stressful job, providing for his family, then surely the least you can do is the housework? Why should he have to start with it after a full day at work?

I realise there are other factors that are making you unhappy too, but having unrealistic expectations of him doing the housework as well as working a full time stressful job can't be helping matters surely?

LandyAndy

moneysaver12 wrote: »

My husband works full time, mainly from home, Job can be stressful at times. I try now to not really talk to him when he's working as I get snapped at. I'm a stay at home mum. going to look for a job when youngest starts school next year, oldest starts this year. the does scare me because of my mental health.

Well, he's at work. you wouldn't keep ringing him if he worked in an office. Would you?


My wife works from home on occasions. I don't disturb her.

Pollycat

moneysaver12 wrote: »

I'm not happy with my marriage. when we married nearly six years,ago I thought we would spend the rest of our life together.together, never imagined I would be thinking of leaving.

We have two young children. I'm 36 and husband is 46. We have been together 8 years.

My husband thinks there is nothing wrong with our marriage, I feel like we have been going round in circles for over a year now. I have told him a couple of weeks ago that I'm unhappy. we seem to plod along then resement builds up on my part and I end up having a go at him.

My husband works full time, mainly from home, Job can be stressful at times. I try now to not really talk to him when he's working as I get snapped at. I'm a stay at home mum. going to look for a job when youngest starts school next year, oldest starts this year. the does scare me because of my mental health.

My husband does provide for us, I do have a bit of my own money which mainly goes on our boys. as I have mental health issues and get disability

My husband does most of the cooking, I do most of the,house work, he doesn't really do much house work. he helps put our boys to bed together.

Evenings seem to be spent with him watching TV and me either reading or on the Internet sat next to each other. we don't get to have nights out, the times that we have, it's been up to me to try and find a baby sitter (family not supportive) and husband family live nearly 200 miles away. he won't make the effort to find a baby sitter. I tried date nights at home and whilst they were nice it was all down to me, and I felt he moaned.

He seems to moan a lot which I'm fed up of. He will say he will help more with house work which happens,for a couple of weeks then everything goes back to how it used to be.

We barely have sex and he kept making excuses and then he finally told me that his sex drive is low. it's got to the point where I don't want sex with him and now try to avoid on the rare occasions or feel like I'm going through the motions if I do have sex.

I have told him countless times I'm unhappy, have suggested divorce, he says he is happy and he says everything he does is for me and our boys. he won't go to marriage counselling. we are on holiday and I was hoping it would bring us closer but I don't feel that it has. I do love him, would say I fancy him a bit not like I used to.

I don't want to hurt him, don't want to hurt our children and we rent the house and I don't have anywhere else me and our children can go. I don't know how much longer I can do this

Thank you for reading

Out of all the things you've posted, the bit in bold stands out to me.

If you still 'fancy him' - even if it's only a bit - there must be a spark still there.

TBH, it sounds like you moan a lot too.
If he's working at home, he should be left to do his job. If he were in an office, you wouldn't wander in to have a chat, would you?
When my OH worked from home & I was also at home, we agreed that it would be as though he wasn't there. No wonder he's snappy at you if his job is stressful and you want to talk to him.

If you are a SAHM & he does most of the cooking, I think you're being unfair to complain that he 'doesn't really do much housework'.

Why do you expect him to be able to find a babysitter if you find it hard?

Has he always had a low sex drive or has this developed over the course of your realtionship?
Have you offered to help him with his low sex drive? Or have you ust shrugged your shoulders and said 'oh well, that's one more thing wrong with our marriage'.

I think counselling would be the best way forward for you both.
Why does he refuse to go? Does he realise how close you are to calling your relationship over?

PasturesNew

It's probably not good that he's at home, you're at home, the kids are at home.

How about getting a part-time job and putting the kids into nursery? Even if it "breaks even" you're breaking the monotony, you've something to talk about, he's able to concentrate on working .... and you'll be getting out of the house.

Doesn't matter what job, just something handy for a few hours locally.

moneysaver12

Hi thank you for your replies. I too have a stressful time with our nearly five year old little boy, doctors think he has adhd, whilst he is a lovely little boy, he is hard work, I have. to deal with been smacked by him most days, his hyper behaviour, not listening and other things and I look after our three year old too. I apricate that my husband works hard, he has said himself that going to work is easier than looking after our boys. he does have to work away sometimes. I do pay towards the bills a bit and half towards food. I pay for all nappies, boys clothes, shoes, presents, swimming lessons, soft play etc.

House work

Caroline_a

You have 2 children close together - I had that too, mine were 20 months apart. They are hard work, and if one is smacking you then you need to develop some parenting skills to stop it. The year before they start school is always a difficulty one as they are ready for more stimulation that just being at home with mum and siblings.

Do your children go to nursery?

Kaye1

Get real.
If you leave your husband, you will be dealing with the all on your own.
Paying bills, housework, work, DIY, children, apoointments.


So why don't you try your very best to make this work? Try talking to each other, counselling etc etc. I am not in any way suggesting you just stay for his help but you need to realistic.


Housework- I do all of it, washing, cooking, cleaning. Why? My husband works 60+ hours a week and I stay at home. It is a fair division of labour. We have agreed he does two specific jobs I hate doing- taking out the rubbish and ironing shirts (which takes about an hour a week.)


Life is sometimes boring. We don't have nights out, we have nights in. Play scrabble, watch a film, sit in the garden and chat.

gonzo127

so what is it that really grates and is pushing you to the edge?

lack of house work help?
not helping with the boys much?
snapping whilst he is working and you interrupting him?
no sex?
no dates organised by him?
being bored in the evening?

the above appear to be the things you have said about, minus the expansion of feelings etc, now i only ask because you post to me appears to have a lot of noise without really focusing on any main thing, and i only ask as i have recently made the choice you are considering and found it much easier to think clearly once i had identified my main gripe.

also as others have posted, some of the things you have posted about, dont seem totally unreasonable from the other side, such as the top three in my list would all seem to be part of the job of a SAHM or someone working at home