Thinking of leaving my husband

moneysaver12

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

I'm sorry you're feeling so unhappy about things, but the bits that jumped out at me more than any other parts were the parts about housework. If your husband is working full time in a stressful job, providing for his family, then surely the least you can do is the housework? Why should he have to start with it after a full day at work?

I realise there are other factors that are making you unhappy too, but having unrealistic expectations of him doing the housework as well as working a full time stressful job can't be helping matters surely?

Do you not think looking after two children all day one with behaviour problems is not stressful, it's not like I sit on my but all day. when I was doing my degree a few years ago that was easier that looking after two children. Im the one that looks after our children all day, sometimes on my own for a few days at a time if my husband is working away. I take our children to all their appointments, make sure they have new shoes, clothes etc and I pay for them when they need them, plan things to do at the weekend, pretty much do most of the house work, try to get help with my son's behaviour, trying to get him help, trying to learn ways of managing behaviour

peachyprice

moneysaver12 wrote: »

Do you not think looking after two children all day one with behaviour problems is not stressful, it's not like I sit on my but all day. when I was doing my degree a few years ago that was easier that looking after two children. Im the one that looks after our children all day, sometimes on my own for a few days at a time if my husband is working away. I take our children to all their appointments, make sure they have new shoes, clothes etc and I pay for them when they need them, plan things to do at the weekend, pretty much do most of the house work, try to get help with my son's behaviour, trying to get him help, trying to learn ways of managing behaviour

What do you think the majority of other SAHM's do when they have husbands who work in full-time stressful jobs?

You seem to think that because your husband works from home that he can just drop everything to help you with day to day child rearing. Would you feel the same if he went out to an office every day? Would you expect him to take time off to do these things with you, come home at lunchtime, come home and start housework in the evening? You need to get your head around the fact that just because he is working from home doesn't mean he is 'at home'.

Caroline_a

moneysaver12 wrote: »

Do you not think looking after two children all day one with behaviour problems is not stressful, it's not like I sit on my but all day. when I was doing my degree a few years ago that was easier that looking after two children. Im the one that looks after our children all day, sometimes on my own for a few days at a time if my husband is working away. I take our children to all their appointments, make sure they have new shoes, clothes etc and I pay for them when they need them, plan things to do at the weekend, pretty much do most of the house work, try to get help with my son's behaviour, trying to get him help, trying to learn ways of managing behaviour

Yes it's tough. However, most people these days do it whilst working as well. And some are single parents. The money you contribute from benefits does not mean that you get a free pass not to do your share of the work - unless you are considering paying someone else to do it!

Mojisola

moneysaver12 wrote: »

I do pay towards the bills a bit and half towards food. I pay for all nappies, boys clothes, shoes, presents, swimming lessons, soft play etc.

The way you organise the household money doesn't seem fair. When one parent stays at home, the bills have to looked at as a household expense.

Add up how much money is coming into the household from all sources and work out how much you need for the bills including things like clothes, holidays, presents and savings. Work out what would be reasonable for spending money for you both and both have that for personal spends each week. Whether you spend it all or save it is up to you.

The other step that will take a lot of pressure off you is to get some child-care set up. Even a few hours a week will give you a break and stop you feeling overwhelmed. Do something for yourself in those hours when you don't have the children around.

I'd also get back to the GP and see if you can have some counselling or CBT.

Kaye1

moneysaver12 wrote: »

Do you not think looking after two children all day one with behaviour problems is not stressful, it's not like I sit on my but all day. when I was doing my degree a few years ago that was easier that looking after two children. Im the one that looks after our children all day, sometimes on my own for a few days at a time if my husband is working away. I take our children to all their appointments, make sure they have new shoes, clothes etc and I pay for them when they need them, plan things to do at the weekend, pretty much do most of the house work, try to get help with my son's behaviour, trying to get him help, trying to learn ways of managing behaviour

Yes, it is stressful but a lot of people do it.


As mentioned, my husband works a lot of hours, can be up to 70-80 hours at Christmas.


I know how hard it is when there isn't anyone else. When the kids are ill and you feel on your own. When you go out and your toddler has a massive tantrum. When you go to school events on your own because your OH is working. When he works all weekend and I cook every meal on my own, eat with the kids and them clean up, on my own. Often I end up hovering at 11pm at night because it is done once a day and then it is done. All the family visits are done on my own. Day trips- on my own.


But really, what do you want? Your husband has said- perhaps you don't need to hoover all the time. You say, 'nonsense.'


This is very harsh, but what do you want, a medal? Being a parent is a thankless task. I look at this period of life, for me, as a set period. When they are both at school, my options will open up again. I enjoy my children while they are young- they will be in school soon.


I think life isn't turning out as you liked and now you are feeling sorry for yourself. Who will support you if you leave? Who will pay your bills? Your husband? What if he gets another woman? Will you go onto benefits?


I'm sorry you didn't get the sympathy from posters you were looking for but there has been some sound advice.

lostinrates

moneysaver12 wrote: »

, sometimes on my own for a few days at a time if my husband is working away.

Ok, here is a potential area for life improvement . Are you socially isolated? Do the kids go to play groups or visit the library for story times or whatever? Are you meeting other mothers and possible potential chums?

Even if its just people to pass the time of day with its something.

Andypandyboy

moneysaver12 wrote: »

Do you not think looking after two children all day one with behaviour problems is not stressful, it's not like I sit on my but all day. when I was doing my degree a few years ago that was easier that looking after two children. Im the one that looks after our children all day, sometimes on my own for a few days at a time if my husband is working away. I take our children to all their appointments, make sure they have new shoes, clothes etc and I pay for them when they need them, plan things to do at the weekend, pretty much do most of the house work, try to get help with my son's behaviour, trying to get him help, trying to learn ways of managing behaviour

That is what beign a sahm is about I am afraid, it is hard, hard work when they are toddlers, but that phase passes and you move onto worse!:p

The house will not fall down if the hoovering is left undone for one or two days. Get out into the sunshine instead of doing housework, that alone will lift your mood.

What you do as a sahm is what many women do as working mums, only they have to keep an employer happy too.

It might be trite to say it but try to count your blessings, find the good things in your life and focus on them. Then grit your teeth and get through the daily grind which we all have in some form or another.

kelpie35

Surely you realised when you had your 2 children that they would require looking after.

All I can see from your posts is "Oh please everyone feel sorry for me"

This thread has made me so frustrated.

OP, pull yourself together, stop thinking of yourself and you might become happier.

Georgiegirl256

moneysaver12 wrote: »

Do you not think looking after two children all day one with behaviour problems is not stressful, it's not like I sit on my but all day. when I was doing my degree a few years ago that was easier that looking after two children. Im the one that looks after our children all day, sometimes on my own for a few days at a time if my husband is working away. I take our children to all their appointments, make sure they have new shoes, clothes etc and I pay for them when they need them, plan things to do at the weekend, pretty much do most of the house work, try to get help with my son's behaviour, trying to get him help, trying to learn ways of managing behaviour

Without a doubt it's stressful, and no one said or even assumed that you just sit on your butt all day. However the list above reads like the jobs any SAHM would do, so I'm not seeing what the problem is? As I've said before, it would be unfair to expect your husband to take time out of his working day to do or to help with these things. Just because he's at home, he's not at home relaxing, he's at home working.

As LinR mentioned, are there any groups you can go to, get out and mix with other mothers and young children?

FBaby

You have fallen into the trap of letting the demands of being a SAHM turning you into a victim of it. You are struggling and therefore assuming that you are having harder than others and that it is therefore their responsibility to make it easier for you rather than looking at what you can do or at least what you can do together.

Unfortunately as you've noted yourself this has now evolved into resentment that is killing your relationship. You need to act before you destroy everything. For one you need to accept that even though life is demanding and tiring it is not your husbands fault. He most likely feel as stress with the demand of being a parent husband and bread earner as much as you do. You need to concentrate your thoughts on how you could do things differently yourself to make your life easier. You then need to make efforts to arrange quality time with your husband so the love can flow back. Yes it is both your responsibility but it is you who is unhappy not him. If you make the first moves and it pays off he will be much more likely to make the second. Is it really so bad that you should be arranging babysitters? It's not that demanding to do considering the benefits.

Then don't forget that it will get easier. Only one more year and you will have much more time for yourself. Isn't your family worth hanging on and fighting for? Being a single mum would be much much harder.