Getting kids to be more mindful around the house

meer53

In my experience, nagging is the only way. And that doesn't always work either. However, the threat of confiscating the mobile phone sometimes works temporarily, usually for a couple of weeks. I occasionally throw a huge tantrum which scares my daughter (14) but again, this only results in a temporary improvement. I refuse to clean her bedroom, she does do that herself, when it gets really bad so i can see gradual changes taking place. I think 12 and 9 is a bit young to expect permanent changes, but agree that you need to start now. But don't hold your breath, and don't stress too much about it

TBagpuss

I think at 9 and 12 you can speak to them about it - preferably at a time when you aren't annoyed and there is not something which needs doing *right now*

Explain that all of the family need to take responsibility for themselves, and that no-one should expect another family member (whether it is you, or their sibs, or their other parent) to pick up after them or to have to flush etc.

And then set out clear guidelines - try to involve them in deciding what these are. Consider a rewards/demerit chart

It might be:
1. You remind them to pick up/throw away tissues / flush the loo and wash their hands. If they do it immediately with no whining or delay there is no further consequence
2. You have to remind them a second time (you might want to agree on what is a reasonable time before the 2nd reminder - maybe 5 or 10 minutes to start with). If they then do the job then they get one 'black mark' on their chart. If they whine / complain but do it they get 2.
3. If they don't do it, they get another reminder but get 2 'black marks' (4 if they whine)
4. If they still don't do it, you do it and they get 10 'black marks'
5. Each day you don't have to remind them they get a gold star / 5 'good marks' / whatever

You can then agree a scale of consequences - e.g. deduct a set amount from their pocket money for each black mark, give them some kind of reward if they get gold stars.

Over time, you can adjust - for instance, initially you may want to give some sort of reward for every day they achieve a gold star, then as they get into the habit you can extend that so they have to get at least 4 out of 7 days black-mark free, or a full week.

It means you don't have to nag so much - you give them a set number of reminders, and they know what is expected of them, and there is an incentive for them to do well.

You can also adapt it to include other tasks. At 9 and 7, it is reasonable to expect them to help.

For the tasks like the kitchen, maybe a chart they can tick off to show they have done the job each day would help them to remember - do they do it at the same time each day? if not, that might help, so it becomes a routine.

Alikay

meer53 wrote: »

But don't hold your breath, and don't stress too much about it

I agree - there are more important things in life. A few family rules put in place at an early age, and upheld by all: We wash our hands after using the toilet, we don't hit each other, we are careful with our things, we are gentle with the cats etc takes care of the biggies IMO, and minor stuff isn't worth stressing over too much. Having children is much more hard work than not having them, and the more people live in a house the more there is to do....doesn't mean Mum has to do it all, but she may have to project manage or delegate!

notanewuser

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I was thinking of driving.

That would be a controlled (conscious) process that becomes automatic (unconscious). Not quite the same as being mindful of the things you do.

neneromanova

j.e.j.

At 9 and 12 they are PLENTY old enough to flush the toilet after themselves. Even my nearly-4 year old nephew flushes the loo after he's used it!! Why the hell should other people flush their sh*t away after them. I'd be raising Cain if I were you!

Maybe a sign in the toilet to remind them?



Obviously this ^^ cute sign is aimed at babies who are toilet training, but there's others on the net, eg

FBaby

Your post is indeed a good reminder of picking our battles. My kids are great in many ways, the main one being that they are both extremely hard workers at school and very pleasant with friends and teachers. They are good kids who I can trust and I know I am massively lucky. Unfortunately, when it comes to chores, they become two lazy rude strangers who drive me mad.

I have invested so much efforts in teaching them about doing those things, insisted on routines before bedtime and morning, did the nagging, repeating things a zillion times and coped with their grumpiness. I thought for sure that it would all click at one point and indeed, it seemed to get through them...until they turned teenagers and they reverted back to how they were at about the age of 4! It's unbelievable!

The way I deal with it is a mixture of ignoring it, accepting it and pressing the repeat button over and over, and then losing my cool when I get stressed/tired and it all gets to me. They go from being cooperative after I've said things 10 times, to very occasionally take it upon themselves to do something (when I gain hope only to be dashed soon afterwards!), to telling me what I want to hear but not acting on it until I lose it! I have accepted that will be the way until they move out and they become a parent themselves one day and they come home to tell me how they finally understand what all the fuss was about!

notanewuser

I'm 37 and a parent and still don't see what the fuss is about. Sooooooooo much more to life.

meer53

notanewuser wrote: »

I'm 37 and a parent and still don't see what the fuss is about. Sooooooooo much more to life.

I agree to a certain extent but it's good to try to make sure your kids act in a civilised way at home. How old are your kids ?

When i'm on a rant to my daughter, i always ask "would you do this in someone elses house" ? She invariably answers "no" so i must be doing something right ! As long as she says this i'm ok, until it all gets to me again

notanewuser

She's 4 and a half (going on 13).

ETA - I meant that I'm pathologically untidy myself.