Am I bad person for wanting to cut my Mum out of my life?

System

For the sake of your little sister i'd carry on. I cut my Mom out of my life for 5 years.

She lied about me, made things up, called me all the names under the sun and used me.

Do i regret it? No not one bit. It was her or me.

However, i do wish i'd have stood up for myself more and argued back instead of just putting up with it.

She's in a residential home now with vascular dementia. Before she lost the ability to talk she told me she was sorry for the things she did and said and admitted "id treated her like gold!" Yes i got the apology i so badly wanted but its destroyed what relationship i had with my brother and Moms side of the family. What i should have done was told Mom how exactly she made me feel and how i couldnt cope with her nastiness and Moms side of the family how she treated me like dirt.

As it stands now, i dont think i'll be going to her funeral.

Errata

LauzT1987 Tough, isn't it. Wise words from Savvy Sue which may make a difference if you practice her tips on your mum.
My thoughts on this are not to cut your mum out, but keep her at arm's length. She goes on at you to get a reaction - don't satisfy her with one. I found the single response 'indeed' a very useful tool in my mother and daughter toolbox, and sometimes I'd agree with whatever she was moaning / ranting about - she didn't expect that from me, it took the wind out of her sails and left her with nowhere to to with her wittering.
Look on your mum as a role model of how not to be a good mum, and perhaps be a 'guardian angel' to your little sister in the way mum's are supposed to be and yours clearly never has been. She will have very good reasons for being the way she is, but they may be quite unclear to both you and her.
Can't comment on the squalid living conditions or the relatives kicking off, but hope my view on your situation is helpful.

lauzt1987

I just wanted to say thank you for all the advice given. I really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to comment and sorry it has taken me so long to respond.

I have decided not to 'disown' my Mum as such but am making no effort to contact her at the moment. It has now been nearly two months since I've spoken to her on the phone and although it might seem spiteful, I am determined that I will not be contacting her first. I am tired of making all the effort in what is very much a one sided relationship.

My Mum is not a bad person as such but she certainly is not a good mother and I just cannot understand the way she lives her life. Her lack of showing any sort of love or attention is very hurtful and I think it's easier for me at the moment just to take a step back from it all.

Thanks again for all your input. It really means a lot.

System

I have decided not to 'disown' my Mum as such but am making no effort to contact her at the moment. It has now been nearly two months since I've spoken to her on the phone and although it might seem spiteful, I am determined that I will not be contacting her first. I am tired of making all the effort in what is very much a one sided relationship.

I think you have made the right decision.

justme111

Op , you are not a bad person for considering cutting her off. It's hurt of a child who feels unloved in you that is talking. So people chose to remove the source of hurt (stop contact) . But hurt still stays with you , it soaks into your daily life and all interactions one way or another. Better way of dealing with it would be to forgive her and be compassionate towards her instead of so harshly critical , as someone rightly said there are reasons for everything and she did not manage to overcome them and become a happy giving love person - no need to punish her further for it . Imho human nature is such that until you forgiven her truly your hurt will not heal.

sofarbehind

lauzt1987 wrote: »

I have decided not to 'disown' my Mum as such but am making no effort to contact her at the moment. It has now been nearly two months since I've spoken to her on the phone and although it might seem spiteful, I am determined that I will not be contacting her first. I am tired of making all the effort in what is very much a one sided relationship.
.

I hope you are feeling better. I was wondering how you were getting on. I think some breathing space is a good idea. I did exactly this nearly six years ago and haven't heard from my mother since! It might be an idea to think about what you'd like to do if she's anything like mine and just doesn't bother!


I feel a lot better without her constantly telling me how fat and useless I am but clearly making contact will be down to me. It's difficult to decide what to do about this. It has been much better for me not to have any contact with her and I realised how completely one sided the relationship was.

NotRichAtAll

i saw my mum once in 37yrs, she died recently i have some regrets but i would make the same choice again if i had too.

suki1964

My elder sister has all but cut our mum out of her life. She will ring about once a month or so

However in doing so, shes also cut me and her younger sister out of her life, along with all her nieces and nephews and our extended families

Its not easy living like this

Mums not easy, in fact I don't like her at all. Yes she messed up big time when we were kids and all three of us have had our problems stemming from that. But I cant spend every day of my life hating her for those times else Id be as eaten up as my big sister is today

So I tolerate mother.I feel no love for her and I don't give her a roof over her head just because shes me mum and I have too, I do it because I do often wish for some kind of relationship with her

Yep Im still pretty mixed up about her, and no doubt always will be.

gettingtheresometime

Last spent any considerable time in the company of my father 25 years ago....yes he knows what's happened in my life but only 2nd hand through my sister.

Wickedkitten

It's not about punishing her mum, it's protecting herself from further hurt