Am I bad person for wanting to cut my Mum out of my life?

milliemonster

I cut my dad out of my life 4 years ago, well, it was a bit of both really as he moved in with a woman a few months after my mum died and she didn't want him to continue his relationship with me so he made his choice, I did it to protect myself emotionally as the rejection I continually felt from him was unbearable, it caused my 12 year old daughter to run away as she was sick of hearing his partner slag me off for no particular reason.

Do I regret it?, no, but at the same time I miss him dreadfully, but then I know that I miss the man he was when my mum was alive and not the man he turned into when he met his new partner. I worry about the fact he is now 76 and the day will come when he is no longer here and I will be distraught. It was very hard losing my mum, but to 'lose' my dad so soon afterwards aswell was very difficult.

I only now see him at family events, but he always ignores me, that's hard to accept but as time goes by its getting easier.

I don't think from what you've said that you need to cut off all ties to be honest, my brother and sister don't really see or speak much with my dad because of everything but they are still civil when they do see him at family get togethers, is there any need to completely cut yourself off from your mum? can you not just emotionally detatch yourself, make peace with yourself that she is who she is and accept that, but still keep communication open for the sake of your siblings?

jackyann

Don't do anything final or that you may regret whilst you are so upset about your Gran.
All of your feelings are understandable, and I would certainly not "engage" with Mum's criticisms - just say you are doing the best you can. Don't seek her out, or get in a fuss with her about what she has or hasn't done.
Keep it low key until things have settled a bit. However justified or reasonable it would be to break off, it will add drama at a point where you need calm!
Spend the time you can with your Gran & your aunt.

Then have a good talk with the important people in your life about it.

TBagpuss

You are not a bad person for thinking about this. You will not be a bad person if you decide to cut all ties.

All that said, perhaps it would be possible for you to pull back without completely cutting ties. For instance, you could keep in touch, but not do quite so much running around - send cards/letters/emails but don't rush around trying to organize meetings, for instance.

Be kind to yourself. You are mourning your relationship with your gran, and her illness, and dealing with a very stressful situation. If you an avoid it, don't make irrevocable decisions while you are under so much stress

amistupid

I understand how you must feel. She's not been a good parent, she's scruffy and you're ashamed of her BUT she's still your mum. Rather than finish your relationship, tell her exactly how you feel and see if things improve.

theoretica

Can you cut her down, rather than out? Keeping civil contact but trying to arrange things so you don't have to listen to her complain for very long?

If you think of her just as the mother of a small girl you love how would you relate to her?

Savvy_Sue

lauzt1987 wrote: »

This has made things really difficult for me as every time I do speak to my mum, she just constantly complains and !!!!!es about the situation and my aunt. I spend a lot of time with my aunt and I feel guilty for this as I know my mum gets annoyed with this. I'm so sick of being piggy in the middle!

You could practice a few choice phrases for when Mum complains. "I'm sorry you feel upset that Gran's in a care home / that I spend more time with aunt / that blah blah blah. How's little sis?" "I'm sorry you disagree with our decision. How's little sis?" "I'm sorry x, y, z. How's little sis?"

Moving on to "OK Mum, got to go now, give my love to little sis" and hang up. If she phones back, send it to answerphone.

In other words, you acknowledge that you've heard what she's saying, but you don't listen to a stream of complaints, especially as you're the ones authorised to make the decisions. She can disagree, but you don't have to listen to her.

Bella73

Having cut contact with my parents in 2008 no I do not regret it, the last few years have been the happiest in my entire life without them in it.

On the rare occasions I have seen them in public we look through each other.... Suits me just fine.

I don't agree with the... But it's your Mum its your Dad argument, these are always brought to you by people who have happy families. Unless you have been taken to the point of considering no contact honestly you have no idea what it is like.

I'm not going to put the reasons why I am not in contact as you don't need to know but it is the best thing I did. But I did decide that I would not accept the behaviour my parents gave me from a friend so I wouldn't accept it from them.

However, for OP you have limited choice until your little sister is much older and can be talked to as an adult probably in about 10 years time, you have to decide if you can cope for another 10 years...not that long in the scheme of things.

Goodluck with whatever you decide.

Counting_Pennies_2

If it helps I keep contact with my mother through the odd text and email, and try to limit any phone or personal contact. We then make one or two trips a year to them.


Naturally they make no attempt to contact me, unless it is to tell me what they would like for birthday or Christmas, they visited only for our wedding and christenings, of which they insisted we change the date for as it didn't fit in with their plans.


Just contact through email or text means I keep up some form of family contact, that my children know they have grandparents from the visit each year, but on my terms. (They have better grandparents on the other side)


I too have been hurt too many times, and no effort made by my family, so this has helped me feel empowered without being controlled and belittled by my mother.


I still get all the hurt each time I see a text or email from her, my stomach lurches, but I know I can turn the phone off or not click on an email until I am happy to, and I can respond with whatever limited information I choose.


If she starts to have a go or criticise my life choices she just doesn't get a response.


I have made many attempts to press send to her with emails explaining the hurt and anguish, but know that will be followed up by a barrage of abuse, so I never send, I save in my drafts folder or delete, so when I feel the hurt and anger boiling, I can read it again and then ignore it and feel better!


Maybe this approach will help you stay in contact with your sister?

Beckyy

Let her come to you for now. Unless you want to see/speak to your sister.

If she rarely makes the effort then contact would likely be brief and if conversation goes straight to your Auntie then change the subject the best you can.

duchy

amistupid wrote: »

I understand how you must feel. She's not been a good parent, she's scruffy and you're ashamed of her BUT she's still your mum. Rather than finish your relationship, tell her exactly how you feel and see if things improve.

Plenty of thirteen year olds fall out with their parents and go stay with a relative - It doesn't always mean a bad parent -it can mean a nightmare teen, other family members interfering (tbh what kind of grandparent encourages a child to live with them instead of parent unless the relationship has broken down completely or there is abuse anyway)

Sounds like a tug of war family when everyone wants the last word - and now the OP wants hers by "disowning" her Mum at a time her grandmother is ill and everyone is under pressure -so a really bad time to make any big decisions or cause more upset. In this mix there is also a five year old who will likely lose her elder sister too -because the OP can't nod at her Mum and take no notice when she moans.

My Dad's sisters and brothers could pick a family row out of thin air ......It was far easier to just nod and glaze over-They soon realized we weren't going to take sides or react and the moaning subsided to a low level (they weren't capable of stopping altogether- years of habit)

Sounds like the OP is as bad as the rest of them with wanting to cause drama with "disowning" instead of focusing on the grandmother and sister who should be the priorities.