Am I bad person for wanting to cut my Mum out of my life?

lauzt1987

This might be a long post so apologies in advance for anyone who is reading. To give you some background, I have never had a particularly good relationship with my Mum. She had me when she was 19 and although I wouldn't exactly call her neglectful, she wasn't a particularly good mother. She was very lazy, never did anything with me, the house was always dirty and she was just generally very selfish. To be honest, I don't think she ever really wanted to be a mother. I have never known my dad so it was just the 2 of us until I was 9. She then met my stepdad and went on to have 3 more children.

When I was 13, I moved in with Gran as I didn't like living at home. I was always really close to my grandparents and to my Mum's sister and would be with them most weekends anyway. It was always them that took me on holidays, trips etc. I lived with my Gran until I was 18 and went to University. Since then, I've went on to do quite well for myself and am now married myself (no kids yet.) I have always kept in touch with my mum, but we have had less and less contact with her over the years (I'm 28 now.) To be honest, I hate going to her house as it's filthy and chaotic. My husband has never even been there as I'm so ashamed of the way she lives her life.

Lately, things have gotten quite bad between us as my Gran is now ill with vascular dementia (my mum's mother) and myself and my aunt are joint power of attorney. For her own safety and for many other reasons, we decided that a care home would be best for my gran and she has now moved out of her home. My mum and other members of the family do not agree with this and as a result, they have all fallen out. I am the only one actually still speaking to both my aunt and my mum!

This has made things really difficult for me as every time I do speak to my mum, she just constantly complains and !!!!!es about the situation and my aunt. I spend a lot of time with my aunt and I feel guilty for this as I know my mum gets annoyed with this. I'm so sick of being piggy in the middle!

It's got to the point where I really don't want to have a relationship with my mum anymore. I am the one always making the effort. She never comes to visit me, rarely calls. She made no effort for my wedding, didn't even send a card for my husband's birthday this year and just generally couldn't care less about me. I feel that my life would be a lot easier if I just didn't have a relationship with her at all. But I know that makes me sound like a horrible person. Plus, I don't want to lose contact with my young sister, who is only 5 and who I love to pieces.

Has anyone else ever cut off their parents? Are you glad you did? We are thinking about starting our own family soon and I just don't want my children to ever have to go to that house. It really is awful. Feeling conflicted!

SuzieSue

No. Do it, I did and don't regret it. It is more difficult for you as you don't want to lose touch with your young sister, so not sure how you are going to carry on seeing her if you don't see your mother?

LameWolf

lauzt1987 wrote: »

Has anyone else ever cut off their parents? Are you glad you did? We are thinking about starting our own family soon and I just don't want my children to ever have to go to that house. It really is awful. Feeling conflicted!

I did, back in 2002, and I have never regretted it.

My situation was different from yours - when I divorced my first husband I got the Judge's permission to keep my new address off the Court papers (I had left the marital home) because I would have been in danger from both the ex and my father if they had found out where I was.

Personally I do not see that you have to stay in touch with someone just because you share a genetic link.

lauzt1987

Thanks for the replies ladies. I appreciate you reading.

Suzie - that is the difficult bit isn't it, my sister. It's not her fault and I'd hate to not see her grow up so it probably means I do need to keep some in sort of contact, however limited. It will be easier when she's a bit older and can contact me herself.

LameWolf - thanks for sharing your story. It's good to know others have done the same and makes me feel like less of a horrible person!

j.e.j.

Hm, it's up to you, but cutting ties completely might not be as easy as you think.

As you say, you want to continue seeing your young sister. Then there's the situation with your nan, who you're close to. At some point in the future you will HAVE to talk to your mum, even if just about practical things, like Nan's estate, house, etc.

You don't have to live in and out of each other's pockets. For most people, seeing their folks a couple of times a year is enough, lol. But I can't see any real reason to not speak to her AT ALL, even if you (rightly) don't want to go round to her filthy house.

krlyr

I haven't spoken to my dad in nearly 12 years now. He's not a nice person, I decided if I wouldn't put up with it from a friend, I wouldn't put up with it just because he happened to be my dad. I don't regret it, family keep telling me that I'll change my mind one day but to be honest I don't think I will.

SuzieSue

lauzt1987 wrote: »

and makes me feel like less of a horrible person!

It's your mother who is horrible, not you. Sorry, I'm working at the moment so can't write a long response, but there is no reason to keep in contact with someone you don't like, even your mother.

Jagraf

My sister in law (my DH sister) has cut herself off emotionally completely from their mother. She goes through the motions which stops her feeling "guilty".

Had it not been for the relationship with my DH (ie her younger brother who she still feels protective of even though he is 6'2" and in his forties) she would have stopped contact years go, so she made the choice to keep going. But she protects herself by having no emotion at all. It works for her xx

asajj

Not my parents but my older brother. Not regretted ever since.

pmlindyloo

Although I respect everyone who has cut off contact with their parents I would like to share another viewpoint.

My mum was not a very nice person (feel awful just saying that) and was very selfish and was, well, just not what a mum should be (if there is such a definition)

I did keep in contact until the day she died and was glad I did. The eulogy was difficult but with the help of the person who conducted the service I was able to give thanks that she had given me life.

From what you have said, despite her not being the mum you would have liked, she doesn't seem to have done anything really awful (or has she?)

So her house is filthy - some of my friends have 'not too clean' houses but presumably her children are living there and are healthy and safe. perhaps not the way you would like your family to live, but then we all have different standards.

In a sense you will only have children because your mum gave you life. When you do have children you will know what an incredible feeling this is and will feel sad that you mum didn't have that same feeling. But, her life was totally different - no father around and living as a single mum, maybe other circumstances that 'swayed' her ability to be a real mum.

You have turned out well (from what you say) but this may be because of or in spite of your upbringing. There must have been something positive in your mum's care of you to have enabled you to 'turn out well'.

There are many ways of continuing a relationship with your mum without having to go to the extremes of 'cutting all ties'. You have control remember. Don't let her stress you out - be firm and make your own decisions - now and in the future.

Please consider very carefully what you decide to do. Only you can make that decision but think very carefully about it and do not act in haste.

[Deleted User]

I have cut both my parents out of my life. Both are remarried and live separate lives. My mother well, she may have cared but allowed me to be abused and condoned it.., my father knew and did nothing (although he now says if he had known he would have.., he's changing his past again though, I begged him for help).

I did it because both parents still had the ability to knock me for six with their reactions. And did so consistenty.., usually at the worst times.

I just decided it was less hurtful to have no contact. Either could have stopped this decision being made if they'd have shown any 'caring' attitude. I have children now and I am and have been in similiar situations my parents have been in, and I KNOW decisions can be very different. Chidren can feel loved and cared for, even if other things are not so good. There are reasons for my parent's actions.., but no excuses at all.

I don't regret it. They are my family.., but that doesn't give them the right to hurt. Parents have to earn that title and all that goes with it, its not automatic, in my opinion.

Needing to keep in contact with your sister does complicate matters, but hopefully you will be able to keep things with your mum to a minimum so you can minimise chances for your mum causing upset, but still able to see your sister.