Am I bad person for wanting to cut my Mum out of my life?

breaking_free

Bella73 wrote: »

I don't agree with the... But it's your Mum its your Dad argument, these are always brought to you by people who have happy families. Unless you have been taken to the point of considering no contact honestly you have no idea what it is like.
Goodluck with whatever you decide.

^ This. You cannot reason with an unreasonable person. The OP is not taking this decision lightly but has come to this forum for advice.

I'm going to echo what the previous poster said: unless you have been taken to the point of considering no contact honestly you have no idea what it is like.

OP whatever you decide to do I don't believe any guilt should be laid on you.

PurplePow

OP parts of your post are so extremely similar to me, I can completely sympathise. I’m also 28.

However, I don’t have contact with wider family either. I now see my Mum about once a month, and I expect nothing from her. I stopped contact with my ‘Dad’ over 10 years ago and have never regretted it.

supermezzo

I cut mine out after something entirely unforgivable, which perhaps made the decision to disown easier. There was, for me, simply no other alternative.


Since then, I've discovered that I am actually a worthwhile person with something to contribute to society. I've married, got a mortgage (!), gained a degree and dropped 9 dress sizes. Its amazing what you can achieve when you don't have deadwood dragging you down.


However, look carefully at what is best for you and your Gran first and as others have suggested, put some serious rules in place re your mother for now.


Hope things work out.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

You might feel better, but what of your little sister - after all, without you, what happens when she's 13 and is in the same situation you were in - but without her Nan to provide her somewhere safe and clean to stay?

I understand your wishes totally - but do you really want a little girl wondering why her big sister doesn't see her anymore?

You don't have to go round there, you could always pick her up and take her places/do things you know she won't get any other way. Selective deafness will come in useful until she is old enough to contact you herself.


Where little children are concerned, unfortunately, you have to make nice with the parent(s) to remain in their lives. It's not fun, but, IMO, as someone who has been through this sort of thing on all sides, sometimes you have to take the hit for the good of somebody too small to decide for themselves what happens.

custardy

I did it in 2000 for various reasons.
Best move I ever made.

strawberryshortie

I don't think you are a bad person at all, after years of emotional abuse and lots of game playing i decided enough was enough and pulled away from my father.

Believe me it was not an easy decision to make but it was the best decision for me and my family as this was not only impacting on myself but also my husband and my children.

Since making the decision i have not looked back, life is good and the stress has immediately been lifted.
The saying is very true, you can choose your friends but not your family, i would have not put up with behaviour my father pushed upon me time and time again from friends so why should i put up with it from him?

The only person who can make this decision is you, and i don't think its going to be easy for you so be kind to yourself and make the decision that is best for you.

Sending lots of hugs xx

Serendipitious

You're not a bad person for wanting to cut your mum out of your life, and if it feels better to do so, then I would go ahead and do it.

However, if you want to keep your little sister in your life, I wonder how you will manage that? Also you do not yet have any children of your own, and it is possible that when they arrive you might unexpectedly regret cutting all ties.

I'm wondering whether you could work on distancing yourself from your mother emotionally, then you could cope better with any occasional contact that might be necessary in the future.

20aday

I can see why you are caught between a rock and a hard place; as previously mentioned elsewhere within this thread is it at all possible for you to meet your sister elsewhere on neutral ground to spend time with her?

I certainly don't think you are a bad person; I've severed all ties with my "Dad" (never before has a title been so incorrect!) because he thought nothing more of completely blanking me in the street (and I was mere yards from him.)

It was a bad time in my life and resulted in me taking an overdose. At the time it was the 'easy' way out but I can't imagine the pain and distress I put my Mum and siblings through.

For a long, long time I'd hoped he'd realise the error of his ways and somehow become a 'father' again (to a degree) but it's only with counselling last year that I've realised he wasn't, and never will be, anything to ruin the lives of others (and mine) over.

Regardless of my experience please look after yourself. Thinking of you at such a difficult time.

Purplesky_2

I recommend a book called The Emotionally Absent mother. It was life changing for me and has helped me set up boundaries that I stick to and has made my interactions with my mother MUCH, MUCH more bearable. I am able tod etach and see all that hurtful behaviour form a more neutral stand point.

I would also say that you are under a lot of strain from things that are totally outside your control. It might be worth having a chat to your GP to see if there is some counselling available. Having an hour a week to focus on yourself can feel like taking a huge liberty, but it can be so, so important when life is like this. Above all, take care of yourself.

happylucky

Maybe it could be an idea to take "time-out" from the relationship and see how you feel. Cutting out doesn't need to be permanent. What would happen if you told your mum that you feel your relationship is not OK and putting you under and unsustainable amount of unhappiness and stress at this difficult time, that you don't want to cut her out forever but you need the stress to stop immediately in order to survive etc. so you'd like to cease all contact for 3-6 months with a view to getting together after that and discussing how you can both making things more happy and healthy from thereon.

Maternal relationships are very complicated so it's really important you both have time to reflect on what could be done to improve things, IMHO. And remember, few decisions in life are permanent in nature. This is not one of them.

Good luck OP.