Fed up with step-children

POPPYOSCAR

Gigglepig wrote: »

The way I read this: battle of wills between mum and stepmum. Son stuck between rock and a hard place and puts mums wishes before Stepmum's. Stepmum has a strop and refuses to come.

Surely it is not so strange that they put their mum before you - would it not be better not to force them to take sides?

How on earth is this a battle of wills between mum and step-mum?


You must be reading a different thread to me.


From what I can see the OP has been bending over backwards for years for these children and they have taken advantage of that.


It comes across to me that she only wants them to treat her and her husband fairly, she is asking no one to take sides.


Sounds like she has had to put up with more than her fair share to me when many other step-mothers would have not been there for them. I have known people in this position to say them or me to their partner. I also know one girlfriend who used to turn the photos down of her boyfriend's children and only put them back up when they visited.

duchy

You've said they are in their thirties so this happened twenty odd years ago yet they are still in a relationship with her. You are also moaning about Mum too it seems.

They only moan because you let them.
When they start moaning just nod - and change the subject - don't engage and don't express opinions. They'll eventually get the message- Might take a few visits as you've allowed them to do it for years.

CrixuS wrote: »

Have told them but getting to the point of no return, I think.


We've always been prepared to discuss anything with them but I can't see the point . Now when they moan about their mum to me I tell them I don't want to hear it. She threw her 12 year old daughter out because of her boyfriend and we went to hell and back What kind of mum does that? Iv'e tried to be understanding but can't do it anymore, they should treat their dad with the respect he deserves.

TBagpuss

What does your husband feel about it?

In terms of what they discuss with you personally, you are free to redirect them. IF one of them start s moaning about their mother, you can say "I'd rather not get involved in that, perhaps you should discuss it directly with your mother"

How are they disrespectful to your husband? If they spend more time with him, or consult him more, when they are in dispute with their mum and ignore him in between times then he could consider sitting sodoen and having that conversation with them (trying to frame it as "I feel", not "you always" - e.g. "I feel as though you come to me when you want something, or when you're not not on good terms with your mum. It spometimes feels as though you then lose interest in talking to me or spending time with me when a 'better offer' comes along - I would love it if you visited us even when you are not fighting with Mum"
OR
"I feel as though almost every time you call me it's because you want to vent about your mum. I would really love it if you called just becuase you'd like to talk, or to see us" )

Obviously the specifics depend on what our husband feels is happening and how he would like to see it change.

CrixuS_2

He's gone through many emotions over the years but now he feels very estranged from them. He feels like his only children are our two. He still loves them of course but feels he can't talk to them like a dad to his kids should be able to, they have become like strangers to him.He feels uncomfortable in their company and says as long as they are happy and healthy he prefers to stay away from them.


He also gets very upset for me and says that many other step-mums would not have treated them like I have and that angers him. And I get equally annoyed because he is a great dad and deserves better. They are selfish and self-centered.


They should know better at their age, they aren't kids anymore.It isn't fair to expect him to be a dad to them only when they feel like it.

CrixuS_2

Funny you should say about a better offer coming along. one Christmas one of them arranged to come for lunch on boxing day and spend the day with us,then on Christmas eve rang to say they were no longer coming for the day just popping in on the way to their mums for lunch.


When I brought this up with them they said it's mum she makes it difficult. Is this a good excuse to be so rude?


It's things like this that's made him feel differently about them.

Pricivius

CrixuS wrote: »

Funny you should say about a better offer coming along. one Christmas one of them arranged to come for lunch on boxing day and spend the day with us,then on Christmas eve rang to say they were no longer coming for the day just popping in on the way to their mums for lunch.


When I brought this up with them they said it's mum she makes it difficult. Is this a good excuse to be so rude?


It's things like this that's made him feel differently about them.

Putting a positive spin on this, you could be pleased that they felt you would understand the pressures their mum puts them under and how she makes things difficult, whereas you would not. Maybe they appreciate your flexibility and ease in comparison. And the fact they could tell you and be honest with you is also a good thing; did they tell their mum how they felt?

If this is either them or their mum playing games, I would rise above. You kids do what you need to do. You are always welcome here but if you need to go to your mum, that's fine.

Just a thought...

duchy

Frankly the whole family dynamic sounds very immature.

They are adults in their thirties and are still playing Mum and Dad off against each other .....and Dad and Step Mum (we don't know about Mum) still feel like they are competing with Mum..

Twenty years of competing is enough - holding resentments from twenty years ago isn't healthy. Most kids in their thirties have their own lives and don't see their parents (even if together) as much as the parents would like. You sound jealous of the Mum - It isn't her fault the kids still love her - but they love their Dad too or they wouldn't still be in your lives.

"Well that's between you and your Mum" is a useful phrase ...or just change the subject when they start witching about her ..... It's only your problem if you allow it to be.

POPPYOSCAR

duchy wrote: »

Frankly the whole family dynamic sounds very immature.

They are adults in their thirties and are still playing Mum and Dad off against each other .....and Dad and Step Mum (we don't know about Mum) still feel like they are competing with Mum..

Twenty years of competing is enough - holding resentments from twenty years ago isn't healthy. Most kids in their thirties have their own lives and don't see their parents (even if together) as much as the parents would like. You sound jealous of the Mum - It isn't her fault the kids still love her - but they love their Dad too or they wouldn't still be in your lives.

"Well that's between you and your Mum" is a useful phrase ...or just change the subject when they start witching about her ..... It's only your problem if you allow it to be.

I do not think the OP is jealous of their mother.


Surely it is common courtesy if you make arrangements to go somewhere for the day not to let people down? Food will have been bought in especially etc.


They should in their 30's have the guts to stand up to their mother and say they have already made other arrangements.
Why should the father lose out spending time with his children?


Sounds to me like the children will be the biggest losers in the end the way things are going.

CrixuS_2

Thanks poppyoscar, no I'm not jealous of their mum, far from it, I have nothing to be jealous about. I get annoyed because of the way they use us and their dad suffers for it. They think nothing of upsetting their mum when it suits them and she has annoyed them.One of them keeps their distance because they are so afraid she will break up their relationship which happened before.







And you 're right I think it very wrong to make arrangements(they invited themselves) and then change it like that at the last minute, no matter who you are. This is just one example of what happens.

Pollycat

CrixuS wrote: »

And you 're right I think it very wrong to make arrangements(they invited themselves) and then change it like that at the last minute, no matter who you are. This is just one example of what happens.

This is just beyond rude.