Fed up with step-children

DKLS

Have been there with the step kid, but didn't last as long as you, I served a 12 yr stint before I came to my senses and left her mother. Totally thankless task and in hindsight certainly not worth the time or money.

Haven't seen or heard of either of them since, apart from the ex dying a couple of years back.

Pollycat

CrixuS wrote: »

Have told them but getting to the point of no return, I think.

Just because someone is family doesn't mean they are nice people or appreciate you & what you do/have done for them.

It sounds like they are users.

Make the decision that you both feel happy with - but be aware that if it's to stop seeing them, it may be forever, even if you change your mind at a later stage.


ETA:
Not all step-child/step-parent relationships are bad.
I adored my step-dad.

bouicca21

One perspective on this might be that the step children take you for granted. That in itself might be a compliment - showing a sense of security.

Maddybee33

I'm sorry, but I am as a 'step' child (although not really a child anymore), myself, I'm not buying that it's ALL their fault. They were dealt a bad hand when their parents divorced, but you married their father knowing that he had children. I know it's a bit of both sides chiming in in most cases, and it's not easy for anyone.

Feel sorry for hubby, he is ashamed of them.

I don't like that. Regardless of what their mother is/ was like, he also raised them. Although it's 30 years later, they are partially a product of who he brought them up to be. Saying that you're 'ashamed' of your children is a pretty horrible sentiment, in my opinion.

It was really lovely of you to pay for half of the wedding (I don't expect my father and step mother will do the same, but that's a different rant!) but surely it doesn't matter hugely if you're sat with 'strangers', it could get you talking to new people :-)

As I say, I know the blended family situation is sticky- but I really really really hope that you can work it out!

Pricivius

Step-families are so complicated and involve so many people who, almost by definition, do not get along, that it is hardly ever going to be a completely smooth ride.

In my view, (as a step-daughter on both sides) you need to decide the level of involvement you want to have with these people based on the value they bring to your life. If they are dragging you down, causing arguments and creating difficulties, call it a day. They may be family, but there is no obligation that means you have to spend time with them. Why spend your precious time in the company of people who suck the joy out of each day? No one needs a mood-hoover in their life.

Family events mean there will probably be occasions where you will meet up, but face these with a sense of how little these people matter to your life and how they should therefore not be allowed to spoil your day. It doesn't matter who I am sat next to for 3-4 hours of this day, it doesn't matter whether I have my back to the bride or I am on the table nearest the loo and who cares if they play songs I hate at the disco. I am there as a member of this family, I am polite and respectful to all and I will leave with my head held high.

No need for a big announcement or a grand gesture. Just fade into the background of their lives if they add nothing to yours.

CrixuS_2

Pricivius wrote: »

Step-families are so complicated and involve so many people who, almost by definition, do not get along, that it is hardly ever going to be a completely smooth ride.

In my view, (as a step-daughter on both sides) you need to decide the level of involvement you want to have with these people based on the value they bring to your life. If they are dragging you down, causing arguments and creating difficulties, call it a day. They may be family, but there is no obligation that means you have to spend time with them. Why spend your precious time in the company of people who suck the joy out of each day? No one needs a mood-hoover in their life.

Family events mean there will probably be occasions where you will meet up, but face these with a sense of how little these people matter to your life and how they should therefore not be allowed to spoil your day. It doesn't matter who I am sat next to for 3-4 hours of this day, it doesn't matter whether I have my back to the bride or I am on the table nearest the loo and who cares if they play songs I hate at the disco. I am there as a member of this family, I am polite and respectful to all and I will leave with my head held high.

No need for a big announcement or a grand gesture. Just fade into the background of their lives if they add nothing to yours.

I think I have invested far too much emotionally in them over the years. We've not made a big announcement, we've stopped telling them how we feel and only been contacting them to see the grandchildren.We're in trouble for that.

System

My stem mum would probably have few choices words to say about me, but she's actually a large part of why i've not seen or spoken to my dad in 10 years.

And its not that i have anything against step parents. In fact i'd go as far as to say my step dad has been more of a dad to me than my biological dad ever was. In fact my first step mum was awesome too, she actually took an interest in me and in some ways made my dad a better dad. But when he married his current wife everything changed. She took no interest in me, everything i did was compare to her daughter (ho was always better than me) and she took my dads side over things she wasn't even around for. To be brutally honest whilst she is still in the picture i can;t have any kind of relationship with my dad.

I realise that bringing up step kids is never easy, i understand there will be times when's it !!!!ing hard work, and that you may feel differently towards them than your own kids. But sometimes people aren;t cut out for it. I know personally i couldn't do it.

duchy

They are in their thirties ...... why does what you think of their mother have any relevance anymore ? Your relationship is with them - not any other relatives.

Lunar_Eclipse

Given their age, I think the key thing now (for you) is to separate what you have 'sacrificed' in helping to raise them (that's done and dusted so let that go) from the relationship you have today as adults.

My husband has a step mother. She didn't bring him up but has been married to his dad since he was a teenager. She is a nice woman; we all get on well. DH always treats her with respect, as he does to everyone, but he very much considers her his father's wife and not a step mother. She is only in our life because of who she married. We don't live in the same country, so obviously that affects things.

Being a step parent is a thankless task. It's lovely that you try to treat them as your own and marvellous if you love them to the same extent (really, would be very rare) but from their POV they might see you as their father's wife, someone they never chose to be in their life and thus having never asked for you to be there, they won't care deeply about how they treat you or what you think. Sorry for being so blunt, but I imagine this is quite a normal way for step children to think. Thus don't beat yourself up or bend over backwards for them. But always do what you feel is right. Maybe they'll never appreciate it. But you're not really doing things/being present for them: you're now doing it for your husband, for your grandchildren and for yourself.

And depending on the nature of your husband's split with their mother, could they have lost respect for him? DH's dad had an affair. To put it simply, it completely changed the respect he had as a parent. His opinions don't hold the weight they once did.

I know the wedding is a small thing. It's hard to please everyone and having been in this situation (albeit the affair affects things massively) our priority was making DH's mum feel comfortable and welcome. In our case, step mum didn't come at all.

CrixuS_2

duchy wrote: »

They are in their thirties ...... why does what you think of their mother have any relevance anymore ? Your relationship is with them - not any other relatives.

Because they are always falling out with her. One didn,t talk to her for over year because she went for their partner. When this happens they come to us all the time and moan about her. They don't seem to be able to have relationships with everyone at the same time. There is always a parent and or brother or sister they are not talking to.


Also their dad has always stood by them when their mum hasn't, they pander to her when it suits them, they lie to her for an easy life. She has always put herself first.


I get annoyed because their dad deserves to be treated equally, but because he does not kick off like their mum it is easier for them to treat him secondary,but they fall out with her big time when it effects them personally. One threatened to cut her out of his life because she said he wasn't a good son.