Fed up with step-children

balletshoes

CrixuS wrote: »

Why should their mum be put before their dad?


We wanted to sit with our son. That is not taking sides, that is doing the right thing.


She was already sitting with the grandchildren and he wasn't so the least he could of done was put his father with his own son.

in the grand scheme of things, what difference does it make really? Your bum isn't glued to your designated seats at weddings, people move tables, budge up, change seats etc once the formalities are over anyway.

CrixuS_2

balletshoes wrote: »

in the grand scheme of things, what difference does it make really? Your bum isn't glued to your designated seats at weddings, people move tables, budge up, change seats etc once the formalities are over anyway.

We seem to be hung up on the wedding. It isn't about the wedding, that's just one thing. Its the lack of consideration and double standards going back over years. They want their dad when they want him and expect him to jump to their tune all the time.


We have had words because their dad didn't answer the phone to them but they do it all the time, for example.


Takers not givers.

CrixuS_2

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

"After 30 years"? Surely they are old enough to be told that their behaviour is not to your liking, and if they don't make more effort to fit in and respect you both then they are not welcome in your lives. It's not like they are still children.

Had several conversations with them and said we are getting too old to cope with it. They are ok for a while but soon go back to the way they were.

amistupid

I have four children two sons, 36 and 33 years old, and a stepson 28 years old and a stepdaughter 25 years old.

I've bought up my step children for the past 18 years and without doubt found it far more difficult to bring up step children than my own.

I found as natural parents my ex wife and I were a solid team, the boys couldn't drive a wedge between us, however as a step parent you are always open to the 'You're not my dad" comments and children can more easily drive you and your partner apart.

It is also difficult when the natural father has the wrong input and isn't supportive or is deliberately disruptive.

My step children only had dealings with their dad when he was spoiling them, showering them with gifts or holidays, but he was never there to reinforce discipline and ensure they had the right work ethic, all that was left to me.

Over the years, I came to love them as much as my own but I was always Ade never dad.

It is only now that they realise what a good job I did in bringing them up, but for much of the time it's been a pretty thankless task.

CrixuS_2

thorsoak wrote: »

They are adults - so tell them exactly what you have told us!

Have told them but getting to the point of no return, I think.


We've always been prepared to discuss anything with them but I can't see the point . Now when they moan about their mum to me I tell them I don't want to hear it. She threw her 12 year old daughter out because of her boyfriend and we went to hell and back What kind of mum does that? Iv'e tried to be understanding but can't do it anymore, they should treat their dad with the respect he deserves.

Dasa

Know exactly where you're coming from. Just about to do our wills
OH going to leave very little to one of his that he hasn't got a relationship with and concentrate on the kids that treat him right.


We've had times it was making us ill, him more than me. You have to call it a day sometimes for your own sanity.

barbiedoll

You say that you've treated them exactly the same as your own children but in reality, their dad (and possibly you too) have tiptoed around them, and indulged them to make up for the shortcomings of their mother. They've been spoilt and they're now well aware that they can play one family off against another. Add to that, the lingering resentment that their dad moved on to create another family and you have a recipe for disaster.

It's time to stop pandering to them and to tell them how you expect them to behave. I daresay it's hard for your husband, he is caught in the middle, but you have to present a united front and let them know that you're not enabling their bad behaviour any longer.

You wouldn't take any carp from your own kids, so why take it from them? Time to start truly treating them as you would your own kids.

Good luck, I know it can be hard work....:o

balletshoes

CrixuS wrote: »

We seem to be hung up on the wedding. It isn't about the wedding, that's just one thing. Its the lack of consideration and double standards going back over years. They want their dad when they want him and expect him to jump to their tune all the time.


We have had words because their dad didn't answer the phone to them but they do it all the time, for example.


Takers not givers.

I do understand the wedding was just one example, and I feel bad for you and your husband, to be treated in such a way by your children.

meritaten

I sort of understand barbiedolls post - I too had the strong feeling reading your thread you were getting 'played'.
I would just expect to be treated with respect and if they don't - tell them to leave. you can still treat them as your own - just look to how your own children (would) treat you and if they don't measure up................let them know it.

CrixuS_2

barbiedoll wrote: »

You say that you've treated them exactly the same as your own children but in reality, their dad (and possibly you too) have tiptoed around them, and indulged them to make up for the shortcomings of their mother. They've been spoilt and they're now well aware that they can play one family off against another. Add to that, the lingering resentment that their dad moved on to create another family and you have a recipe for disaster.

It's time to stop pandering to them and to tell them how you expect them to behave. I daresay it's hard for your husband, he is caught in the middle, but you have to present a united front and let them know that you're not enabling their bad behaviour any longer.

You wouldn't take any carp from your own kids, so why take it from them? Time to start truly treating them as you would your own kids.

Good luck, I know it can be hard work....:o

You are so right. I have been more lenient with them and kept my mouth shut a lot of the time. If I told them what I thought of their mum they would never talk to me again. We have been speaking up a lot more though and they don't like it one bit.


We are now at the stage where we feel it pointless to keep on anymore and don't want to discuss how we feel. I'm not the kind of person who can pretend and we didn't gush about the wedding as was expected. Didn't tell them we hated it just didn't rave about it like I know they wanted and we re paying the price for that.


When the son got married we hadn't seen him for two years and he just rang up and said he was getting married out of the blue, he only wanted his dad there for appearances sake.