Separation anxiety from the deposit!

LottieLou

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

I have a feeling it might have been one along the lines of him saying "I cant afford to save at the moment - as I am making loan payments of £x per month" and those loan payments were high and it was assumed that, once the loan was repaid, that the same amount of money would be used each month to set aside for savings.

Many of us fall into the trap of making assumptions that other people will act the same way we would in those circumstances. Many years ago now one of the most helpful things a friend said to me was "You assume other people will act the same way you would - but you're wrong...because many of them wouldn't". That was actually a very valuable thought - that I have often remembered since. So I now try and sit down and think "I would do so-and-so and its obvious that that is the way to react" - but then go on and think "Are there other ways to think about this? Because, if so, its certain that some people will think that way instead.....and act differently to what I would in those circumstances".

I think that is, quite possibly, what has happened here.

This makes sense, I will put this to him. He increases his repayments to clear it. I think we miss-communicated - he make it seem to me that he was putting most of his money into clearing those debts but not so much that would leave him nothing to put aside.

When we have talked about it in the past, he has felt ashamed that he has not been able to save. That is when we looked at how he could put money aside and how much that would be, we have talked about it alot really (never argued - yet). It's not something I want him to feel ashamed about.

Thank you happyandcontented, you are exactly right.

robatwork

Still speaking?

PixelPound

Just read this thread from start to finish. Wow, some strong judgements on what should done with little querying on why he didn't save.

Anyhow, the past is the past, but have you talked about how you both feel about the one-sided deposit and how to resolve it. As mentioned, paying you back £10K is one option (nothing wrong with one person having their own money, so long as all the joint costs of living: mortgage, food, etc; are split and covered) though you may need to talk to ensure you are both happy with this, and what if some major repair costs crop up? Or he could, over time, pay a higher portion of joint savings, or pay more into the mortgage (plus benefit of saving you both interest over time).

Maybe you are happy to let it go, and draw a line, but its something you both need to agree and want. Left unresolved or unclear means it will come back and bite you. If he feels ashamed, then whilst you may be fine, it might niggle him and maybe he'd like to overpay on the mortgage. Similarly if in future you're frustrated at not having the savings to do something, whilst his better wage allows him to improve a car he needs for work, etc. it could be a sore point. So sort out how you both want to deal with the indifference both short term and long term.

LottieLou

robatwork wrote: »

Still speaking?

We are still speaking.

I did let out all my frustration at him mind you. I don't think he knew what hit him I would like to say I instantly felt better, but I did not. I am going ahead, and we are due to complete next week, I am 100% this is the right decision. However, he is well aware for the next step in our finances things have changed. I have protected my contribution as much as I can, only time will tell!

LottieLou

nic_c wrote: »

Just read this thread from start to finish. Wow, some strong judgements on what should done with little querying on why he didn't save.

Anyhow, the past is the past, but have you talked about how you both feel about the one-sided deposit and how to resolve it. As mentioned, paying you back £10K is one option (nothing wrong with one person having their own money, so long as all the joint costs of living: mortgage, food, etc; are split and covered) though you may need to talk to ensure you are both happy with this, and what if some major repair costs crop up? Or he could, over time, pay a higher portion of joint savings, or pay more into the mortgage (plus benefit of saving you both interest over time).

Maybe you are happy to let it go, and draw a line, but its something you both need to agree and want. Left unresolved or unclear means it will come back and bite you. If he feels ashamed, then whilst you may be fine, it might niggle him and maybe he'd like to overpay on the mortgage. Similarly if in future you're frustrated at not having the savings to do something, whilst his better wage allows him to improve a car he needs for work, etc. it could be a sore point. So sort out how you both want to deal with the indifference both short term and long term.

Thank you!!
That's the thing, I see my future with this man and things are going to change in our lives which will affect the way we save and divide money. So the way we manage it now is going to change quite a it in the future.

For now he is going to be paying into the joint saver, and I am not. I don't expect this to accrue very quickly but it is a start. We have agreed to make a small overpayment towards the mortgage after 6months or so (depending on repairs that crop up etc). It is very small but makes the mortgage a simple round number, this will be split. Otherwise I have said to keep putting into the saver and we will review as we go.

He is ashamed of his lack of money awareness and discipline in the past, but lessons have been learnt and thats what matters to me here. I don't want him to feel ashamed about it.

goodwithsaving

LottieLou, I just wanted to say you sound incredibly sensible, non-judgement and he is a very lucky man indeed (I'm sure he makes you feel lucky in many ways too). Good luck with the purchase.

Lala2015

LottieLou wrote: »

I don't want to give too much information away incase someome recognises me. But I am starting to get little anxious niggles about how my boyfriend and I are buying a house. Theres been posts in the past about couples with unequal deposits, but what happens when it is all one sided?

Firstly I want to make it clear that I love him absolutely, and never want us to seperate.

But anxiety has come about since we found a house we want to buy. I have all the deposit, saved up over most of my 20's whilst paying rent and living life etc. I have prioritised the things I have wanted to do and really watched every other single penny. I am lucky enough to have a 20% deposit but my OH has not a penny to contribute towards it.

It is strange to say it isn't actually the monitary value that I am bothered about, it is all the years of hard work that has gone into saving it which he has not done. I was under the impression that for the past 12 months he has been saving to put a small amount towards, but this has amounted to nothing - not a bean!

I have spoke to him about this, and we have a deed of trust (no plans to marry) but I cant help shake the anxiety and a very small sense of anger towards the situation (not him).

The initial plan was for me to keep say 10k of the deposit for my fall back if I ever go on maternity leave, want to retrain, have a family crisis etc. But I am now unable to do that. So many people must be in similar situation's, and I know everyones different but how can I move past this?!

We are due to exchange and I am feeling the pressure!
and if I am honest he is being rather blazè about it all!! Obviously this is all completely irrelevant if we split up or he gets sick to death of my constant worrying :eek::rotfl:

Hi LottieLou,

I read your post and thought.. I feel exactly how she feels.
Saying that, I'm now single and living alone! :rotfl:

I was with my ex-partner for nearly 5 years and I had saved every penny of MY deposit fund (started prior to meeting him). I continued saving on the agreement that our aim was to buy a home together.
He was saddled with debt from years of partying and buying flash cars on finance, then writing them off.

I was angry at him to be honest. Because he had spend years without a care and this clearly continued after he met me - he was falling back on my money and my credit (we very nearly couldn't move into our rented home due to his credit; my credit pulled us back up).
I had 'missed out' to an extent whilst saving, whilst he had continued increasing the debt and not saving a penny.
We eventually separated & went our separate was as our priorities would never tally up.

Back then, I said I was going to fund the whole deposit, but get a contract written up that if we split & sold the house, I'd get the value of my deposit back.
NOW: I will be buying alone. Whoever and whenever I meet someone will be treated (in financial terms), as a lodger as I do not want anyone being able to gain any equity in a house that I have funded myself.

People probably see me as really cynical and bitter, but why should you?
I understand you love each other, but you have to be realistic and prepare yourself for 'worst case scenarios'.

I hope all goes/has gone well!
Best of luck!

Pixie5740

Lala2015 wrote: »

NOW: I will be buying alone. Whoever and whenever I meet someone will be treated (in financial terms), as a lodger as I do not want anyone being able to gain any equity in a house that I have funded myself.

Can you rodger the lodger?

Obviously you can (it's how one of my friend's marriages came to an end) but is your boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, whatever you want to call them, a lodger if they live with you?

lindsloo

Hi there, wanted to give you another perspective as I am in the position of your other half.

I was a single working mum of 2 kids and met my other half a few years ago. He lived at parents home with no kids or debts. I rented and had debts of about 15k. He thinks debt is pointless so very early on in our relationship I agreed to pay my debt if he saved the same amount. It took me just over a year but I did it and true to his word he matched what I paid off.

We are now using the money he saved to buy our first home. For me it's quite humiliating and I find it hard to deal with, however we have made a compromise so I can pay my bit. I have another year left at uni (still employed) and on graduation I will get a wage increase. I will overpay the mortgage at a date we can afford for however long it takes until I have contributed the same amount as he has off the mortgage.

It is hard when things aren't financially equal but try and find middle ground so they are divided fairly. Good luck

Lala2015

Pixie5740 wrote: »

Can you rodger the lodger?

Obviously you can (it's how one of my friend's marriages came to an end) but is your boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, whatever you want to call them, a lodger if they live with you?

Hi Pixie5740,

I used to think that, but now I think (obviously all just personal opinion!) - from a financial perspective - they can be.
A lodger doesn't have a share of equity in your home, therefore someone who is (in the financial sense only), paying their share of bills (NOT mortgage), boyfriend/girlfriend/friend etc should not either. ESPECIALLY if they have in no way contributed to you getting on the ladder to begin with.