Separation anxiety from the deposit!

LottieLou

I don't want to give too much information away incase someome recognises me. But I am starting to get little anxious niggles about how my boyfriend and I are buying a house. Theres been posts in the past about couples with unequal deposits, but what happens when it is all one sided?

Firstly I want to make it clear that I love him absolutely, and never want us to seperate.

But anxiety has come about since we found a house we want to buy. I have all the deposit, saved up over most of my 20's whilst paying rent and living life etc. I have prioritised the things I have wanted to do and really watched every other single penny. I am lucky enough to have a 20% deposit but my OH has not a penny to contribute towards it.

It is strange to say it isn't actually the monitary value that I am bothered about, it is all the years of hard work that has gone into saving it which he has not done. I was under the impression that for the past 12 months he has been saving to put a small amount towards, but this has amounted to nothing - not a bean!

I have spoke to him about this, and we have a deed of trust (no plans to marry) but I cant help shake the anxiety and a very small sense of anger towards the situation (not him).

The initial plan was for me to keep say 10k of the deposit for my fall back if I ever go on maternity leave, want to retrain, have a family crisis etc. But I am now unable to do that. So many people must be in similar situation's, and I know everyones different but how can I move past this?!

We are due to exchange and I am feeling the pressure!
and if I am honest he is being rather blazè about it all!! Obviously this is all completely irrelevant if we split up or he gets sick to death of my constant worrying :eek::rotfl:

sofarbehind

I think you should be angry with him and are being totally rational. He has let you believe that he's been saving and demonstrating some discipline when he hasn't! You've made a big financial commitment with him so of course it's scary.


Why hasn't he saved anything? Has he been studying? If he's been finishing a degree and has had a very low income I would be less worried provided he has no debt. Either way I'd be sitting down and having very stern words about how he's going to be saving the emergency fund...Can't imagine why I'm single...

Davesnave

I think we'd need to know far more about you both before making a judgement here, but arguments about money are one of the main reasons why people find themselves incompatible once they truly become a couple.

You may be burying your head in the sand by saying that you're annoyed with the situation, not him. After all, it seems to be him that has caused the situation.

But there may be mitigating circumstances. For example, my daughter is currently supporting her partner of four years through a higher degree, secure in the knowledge that they will both be much better-off in the long run. Of course, there's no such thing as ultimate security: he could be run over by a bus tomorrow, or, more likely, fall for someone else.

A year is a very short time to save. You already know that. If there's no mitigating circumstances, then I'd give him another one in which to try again, not only to see where that leads financially, but also to gauge his reaction to your taking some control from a financial perspective. If he won't let you do it now, he never will.

There are plenty more houses....and blokes!

moneyistooshorttomention

Dave - The thing is though that OP is about to "exchange contracts" - so its a bit late to give him another year to save. There isn't "another year" available in that timescale.

I can quite understand where she is coming from on this.

At this late stage - it looks like all she can do is extract a firm commitment from him to save from here on in (ie so that he could help fund what she seems to be regarding as "her" maternity leave/"her" retraining/etc). Nope - these would be joint responsibilities to fund - and not just hers.

If this boyfriend regards it as a joint deposit for the house (though its come totally from OP) then any money required for those things will be joint as well (though it will/should come totally from him as his bit of "paying their way" in the circumstances that he hasn't paid his way so far).

Right now OP - you do need to get firm agreement from this boyfriend about what your joint financial situation will be from here on in and I would say a "pre-marital agreement" drawn up in writing about who gets what if you split up. The very minimum that agreement needs to state is what percentage of the house equity you own at the outset (ie if you are putting down a 20% deposit, then that means you get 20% of the house equity if you split up - he cant claim any rise in value that comes on 20% of the house).

I do feel nervous on your behalf that, if you split up at some point, he will try and lay claim to some of your deposit (ie that will be house equity at that point).

On an unrelated point (sort of) - have you discussed the domestic responsibilities? That is - got his agreement he will be doing his 50% share of the housework etc.

densol_2

As you are so close to exchange - I guess the credit searches have been made so he doesnt have piles of hidden debts - as that would also be my other worry. I do feel for you - Id be really angry! Personally Id have wanted a month by month update on how much he had managed so save over the past 12 months. At the moment the risk is all yours as he hasnt really contributed a thing. I think it would be hard to get past this unless he gives a real committment to sharing and saving rather than just enjoying all his money and putting the burden on you

Davesnave

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Dave - The thing is though that OP is about to "exchange contracts" - so its a bit late to give him another year to save. There isn't "another year" available in that timescale.

Timescales can change. Go rent together instead. There seems to be quite a discontinuity of attitudes in play and the discovery of no savings seems sudden, but maybe it's not

It's only "too late" after the house has been purchased.

I'm taking it that the pair of them have only been serious for about year, otherwise why just the year to save?

If they had an agreement on saving, then all other things being equal, he has reneged on that.

But yes, there are legal measures that could and should be considered as an alternative. Easier, of course, but.....

SG27

I'd be seriously annoyed about hum not saving anything over the last year. Even if it was just a thousand or two to cover the fees etc. Maybe he needs to be more open with you about his spending or maybe both more open with each. Soon you will have joint bills to pay, do you have a plan of how you will split these?

Obviously everyone does it different ways but when my partner and I were saving we both new exactly what each other was spending and saving every month

Annisele

I don't think you should buy a house together yet (or possibly ever, but it's too early to say that).

It sounds as though he doesn't actually want to buy a house - if he did, he'd have saved something over the last year. So, one interpretation is that you're dragging him into an enormous debt he doesn't want. He could be getting resentful about that, just as you get resentful about his failure to save.

I'm also not sure you're being completely honest with yourself. In your shoes, I'd be angry with my OH, not "the situation". As others have said, he caused the situation! I think it's possible you'll come around to being angry with him, and that's also not a good start to buying a house together.

If you can't get a satisfactory explanation from him about why he wants to buy a house, why he wants to buy with you, and why he didn't save last year, I'd put off the housebuying for at least a year. That would give him the chance to save the deposit he didn't save last year.

moneyistooshorttomention

Agreed - ie that he caused "the situation". The only way it could be some sort of non-personal "the situation", rather than him personally, that instigated this would be if he genuinely started to save his bit towards this - but then impersonal forces outside his control came along and affected him shortly after that (eg made redundant and forced to use his share of house savings just to have enough to live on).

There has been no mention of him having suffered such a blow and I think its unlikely that has happened. That being the case - its down to him and him alone.

But...yes.....there is a difference between actively wanting something to happen (ie making effort towards it - like saving) on the one hand and just plain going along with it on the other hand.

That has got me wondering what his attitude would be towards another major decision - ie having children. OP obviously wants children (from comment re maternity leave) and I'm wondering whether she has checked that boyfriend also wants/plans to have children or just assuming he will "go along with it".

Sorry - OP I don't mean to rain on your parade. But there are these other major factors to consider and see whether you have made the same decisions as each other on that.

Pixie5740

How long have you been together?

Do you currently live together?

Does he actually want to buy a property with you? That could be one explanation of why he has not saved a bean in the past year. Some people are spineless and will keep things going until the last possible moment before backing out.

Getting a deed of trust drawn up is a step in the right direction. You're putting in the 20% deposit so you should get 20% of the loss/gain back should you part ways and sell up.

A co-habitation agreement would be another safe guard.

Marriage is just a contract, except with cake, flowers and dancing. If you want to live together without being married (which is your choice and I'm not saying everyone living together has to get married, far from it, I'm not married myself) you need tone aware of how few rights you have, especially if you plan on having children together further down the line.

Kynthia

You probably won't pull out of the purchase but I think you should. Buying a property with someone is a big commitment as you are linking credit histories, taking on a shared debt that lasts longer than most marriages and linking it to a joint asset than can drop in value and take months and money to sell. This kind of commitment shouldn't be entered into without being sure of the person and your life together. There's a reason that many won't do it without being married to the other person, or at the equivalent level of commitment in the relationship.

You are about to commit to someone and they haven't worked for it and you aren't happy about that. You need to have discussed this with him, you need to know why, you need to know you can rely on him if things got tough emotionally and financially as a partner, and you need to be able to communicate with each other.

Many couples getting married in a church have a kind of pre - marriage counselling that is about open and frank conversation to ensure both know what the other is wanting from their partner and life. Maybe you could look for similar type questions online and then sit down and have a really in depth discussion with your partner. Find out about your views on children, money, future, sickness, saving/spending, etc. Find out why he hasn't saved and whether that will change and why should you believe it will. I'd delay exchange until after this and pull out or buy in your name only if you aren't confident and happy about things.