Separation anxiety from the deposit!

DandelionPatrol

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Dave - The thing is though that OP is about to "exchange contracts" - so its a bit late to give him another year to save. There isn't "another year" available in that timescale.

I can quite understand where she is coming from on this.

At this late stage - it looks like all she can do is extract a firm commitment from him to save from here on in (ie so that he could help fund what she seems to be regarding as "her" maternity leave/"her" retraining/etc). Nope - these would be joint responsibilities to fund - and not just hers.

If this boyfriend regards it as a joint deposit for the house (though its come totally from OP) then any money required for those things will be joint as well (though it will/should come totally from him as his bit of "paying their way" in the circumstances that he hasn't paid his way so far).

Right now OP - you do need to get firm agreement from this boyfriend about what your joint financial situation will be from here on in and I would say a "pre-marital agreement" drawn up in writing about who gets what if you split up. The very minimum that agreement needs to state is what percentage of the house equity you own at the outset (ie if you are putting down a 20% deposit, then that means you get 20% of the house equity if you split up - he cant claim any rise in value that comes on 20% of the house).

I do feel nervous on your behalf that, if you split up at some point, he will try and lay claim to some of your deposit (ie that will be house equity at that point).

On an unrelated point (sort of) - have you discussed the domestic responsibilities? That is - got his agreement he will be doing his 50% share of the housework etc.

Yes there is another year and OP would be well advised to pull out of this house to see what happens in that year.

OK, it is a year lost in the housing market, but it will be a year well spent on putting the financials of the relationship on the right footing or gauging whether it can be put on that right footing. MoneyISTTM, you have highlighted the concern as to what might happen if they go ahead. I think it is serious enough for OP to hold off for a year.

duchy

I think I'd be considering not exchanging too.

For me the big question is *why* he hasn't saved.
If there was a good reason ( which frankly you'd have known about) or if he just didn't bother because he knew you could afford to pay his contribution out of your savings- would make a world of difference.

You say you have no plans to marry- but frankly buying a house with someone is a huge commitment and potentially more so than marriage.

I think I'd be saying that you can't afford to pay "his bit" too- withdraw from the sale and find something else once he's saved up for whatever you both agree is needed.

If you go ahead without making a stand he will always assume he can just pretend to save as you will bail him out if he doesn't bother.
Start as you mean to go on !

moneyistooshorttomention

The other factor in this equation are the vendor of this house. He/she/they are confidently expecting exchange of contracts any minute now and there is the question as to what is to become of them in this scenario.

This boyfriend really isn't showing much awareness/concern about knock-on effects of his actions to people that are nothing to do with him - and he may not even have clapped eyes on. But they are involved in this scenario too...

But...yes....I have watched people in action being "spineless" and keeping things going until the last possible moment and can think of scenarios in my own life that are literally years old where the person concerned never did either "Commit or say they had decided not to commit" and I just had to go through a process of feeling a bit suspicious about what was going on through to distinctly doubting them through to deciding they were spineless..(and eventually deciding I was "better off without them" - except in the case of the house vendor that never ever did proceed with selling the house to me as agreed OR tell me he had changed his mind. That was about 30 years ago now.....).

duchy

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

The other factor in this equation are the vendor of this house. He/she/they are confidently expecting exchange of contracts any minute now and there is the question as to what is to become of them in this scenario.

.

They put the house back on the market -and start again.
Anyone with any sense knows until exchange either side can pull out.
Not wanting to upset the vendor isn't a good enough reason to continue with a purchase that isn't right.

The house isn't the OP's dream house (from previous posts on another thread) and whilst there was a bit more need to be moved earlier in the year - there isn't the same urgency now that there was (but hopefully there will be again soon)

I'd make a list of the pros and cons of waiting a year and saving some more.

DandelionPatrol

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

The other factor in this equation are the vendor of this house. He/she/they are confidently expecting exchange of contracts any minute now and there is the question as to what is to become of them in this scenario.

This boyfriend really isn't showing much awareness/concern about knock-on effects of his actions to people that are nothing to do with him - and he may not even have clapped eyes on. But they are involved in this scenario too...

But...yes....I have watched people in action being "spineless" and keeping things going until the last possible moment and can think of scenarios in my own life that are literally years old where the person concerned never did either "Commit or say they had decided not to commit" and I just had to go through a process of feeling a bit suspicious about what was going on through to distinctly doubting them through to deciding they were spineless..(and eventually deciding I was "better off without them" - except in the case of the house vendor that never ever did proceed with selling the house to me as agreed OR tell me he had changed his mind. That was about 30 years ago now.....).

As for the vendors, well tough. Of course this will cause them some temporary hardship lasting months.

But for OP, if this goes wrong, it will be a lifetime of consequences even if she splits with him a year or 2 after buying.

moneyistooshorttomention

duchy wrote: »

They put the house back on the market -and start again.
Anyone with any sense knows until exchange either side can pull out.
Not wanting to upset the vendor isn't a good enough reason to continue with a purchase that isn't right.

The house isn't the OP's dream house (from previous posts on another thread) and whilst there was a bit more need to be moved earlier in the year - there isn't the same urgency now that there was (but hopefully there will be again soon)

I'd make a list of the pros and cons of waiting a year and saving some more.

They are being affected by this though and I'm not sure what I would do in OP's position as to whether I would proceed (possibly on my own - but chances are she cant afford to do that). If I did decide not to proceed, then I would want to minimise the damage to the innocent victims (ie those vendors) and cancel/apologise to them asap. That way they could minimise the damage this boyfriend will have caused them to suffer.

Best for them to know this week, rather than next.

moneyistooshorttomention

Oh...just looked at the other thread and OP is pregnant already. Errrrm....

....and that does put a rather different complexion on things. He has already said he wants to be a father and they decided to have a child (presumably...).

Amend all previous posts to = better go ahead and buy the house and continue with the relationship then and have some "serious" discussions to effect of "You decided to be a father/you decided to buy a house with me - now how are we going to proceed from here on in?"

Davesnave

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

If I did decide not to proceed, then I would want to minimise the damage to the innocent victims (ie those vendors) and cancel/apologise to them asap. That way they could minimise the damage this boyfriend will have caused them to suffer.

Best for them to know this week, rather than next.

I'm 100% sure that the vendors' feelings should be of no consequence in this discussion, and I say that as someone who lost tens of thousands as a result of someone pulling out just before exchange.

You can't minimise anything like that with hearts and flowers and OP needs time to reflect come to a decision, not be badgered. Time's tight enough as it is.

The vendor(s) will get over it, just like I did, and as the market's better, they probably won't suffer so much.

Anyway, it might be one of those awful developers, for all we know!

robatwork

Given so little to form a judgement on means people are jumping to all sorts of conclusions. Mine is

"This won't end well"

missbiggles1

The crux of the matter seems to me to be - what has he actually been doing with the money you thought he was saving ?