Separation anxiety from the deposit!

BitterAndTwisted

He's shown absolutely no commitment to this purchase and is happy for you to have done all the saving while he did something else with his money. I don't think it really matters what that "something else" might have been, it's the utter dishonesty that would have done it for me.

I would be having a complete re-think about buying a property with him. Now or in the future.

King_Slayer

OP, I think is natural to have that bit of uncertainty. I would be annoyed with him if I thought he was saving all along and then NADA! After all every little helps, would've been nice if he could've contributed to SOL fees and searches etc. However that ship has now sailed and as you are committed to him (minus the marriage certificate), you may as well look at how you can protect your deposit, if things were to go pear shape.
Good luck with your exchange and completion and hope you start feeling better, when you move into your new home!

moneyistooshorttomention

I am wondering if OP will find she is using her personal savings (put aside for personal things) to cover fees/etc she had been expecting the boyfriend to pay or part-pay.

On from that - we all know what tends to happen once we move into a property we have just bought = unexpected expense. Bar it being a brand new property then its been the experience of many of us that there are literally thousands of £s of unexpected expenses that come out for work on a new-to-us property and pretty darn soon after buying it. Its quite upsetting just how much vendors cover up things and/or have lower standards than we do.

I would be willing to bet savings its been planned to leave to one side for "personal purposes" will take quite a hit anyway on moving into this place and if its only OP's savings there to "take that hit" then that's another problem. I know that the majority of my "personal savings" have gone to cover the unexpected expenses the vendor left me to bear, on top of what I had actually planned to spend on the house and I'm sure that's far from untypical.

King_Slayer

I couldn't agree with you more! We're now looking at paying out over 2.5k on unexpected repairs and we haven't even moved yet. I'm crossing my fingers that and the work we have scheduled will be it. That now means we're having to rebuild our savings.

Hoploz

Is he making any contribution at all? Like is there a joint mortgage based on two salaries? If not then he should take a hike! And get it in a single name.
If he is on the mortgage then you'll need to make very sure he sets up a direct debit into a joint account for at least half of the total expenses amount each month. include in your calculations council tax, bills, general running and maintenance costs. Not just the mortgage amount.
You could also consider asking him to set up a debit of an amount to pay to you to contribute towards the deposit to try and even things out over a period of time.
I assume you know the ins and outs of his income? You must have had it all out when planning the purchase. There is no room for 'privacy' in this kind of arrangement, in my opinion.

You really need to get this out in the open and settled to a satisfactory conclusion. It's exactly this sort of thing that makes people feel hard done by and it eats away at you. People split over finances all the time so get it organised fairly up front before you're in any deeper.

Errata

For you to have assumed he was saving there must have been a conversation about it at some point, as there was about you paying all the deposit. What was it?

moneyistooshorttomention

Errata wrote: »

For you to have assumed he was saving there must have been a conversation about it at some point, as there was about you paying all the deposit. What was it?

I have a feeling it might have been one along the lines of him saying "I cant afford to save at the moment - as I am making loan payments of £x per month" and those loan payments were high and it was assumed that, once the loan was repaid, that the same amount of money would be used each month to set aside for savings.

Many of us fall into the trap of making assumptions that other people will act the same way we would in those circumstances. Many years ago now one of the most helpful things a friend said to me was "You assume other people will act the same way you would - but you're wrong...because many of them wouldn't". That was actually a very valuable thought - that I have often remembered since. So I now try and sit down and think "I would do so-and-so and its obvious that that is the way to react" - but then go on and think "Are there other ways to think about this? Because, if so, its certain that some people will think that way instead.....and act differently to what I would in those circumstances".

I think that is, quite possibly, what has happened here.

happyandcontented

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

I have a feeling it might have been one along the lines of him saying "I cant afford to save at the moment - as I am making loan payments of £x per month" and those loan payments were high and it was assumed that, once the loan was repaid, that the same amount of money would be used each month to set aside for savings.

Many of us fall into the trap of making assumptions that other people will act the same way we would in those circumstances. Many years ago now one of the most helpful things a friend said to me was "You assume other people will act the same way you would - but you're wrong...because many of them wouldn't". That was actually a very valuable thought - that I have often remembered since. So I now try and sit down and think "I would do so-and-so and its obvious that that is the way to react" - but then go on and think "Are there other ways to think about this? Because, if so, its certain that some people will think that way instead.....and act differently to what I would in those circumstances".

I think that is, quite possibly, what has happened here.

I think that is a very good point. Understanding that can save a lot of heartache and surprises.......

LottieLou

Wow thank you for all the replies!! I don’t know where to start.

Unfortunately I did have a miscarriage, I had a little cry when I read that but it’s ok – no harm done. I would give anything to be in a different situation.

I agree it is him that has caused the situation, maybe I should be more angry with him but I am not. He knows I am bothered about this, and to be honest he is quite hard on himself about it.

No mitigating circumstances as such, he didn’t make very MSE choices in the past – he took out a personal loan and a credit card. He used these things because he was living out of his means as someone who had recently graduated and was in a low paid but professional job. (nice car, travelled long haul every year and to wonderful places)

He has now moved companies but he stayed there, on the same wage for far too long. He now earns a good wage.

I always knew about the loan, but did not know about the credit card, and was very straight with him when I discovered it! I told him to buck up his ideas and he did. CC is paid but some of the loan still remains. I think he has ploughed more money into paying those off than he has told me.


Like you say, Davesnave- a year is a short time to save. If I was to pull out of our purchase now, it would be years before he could contribute a chunk of money to the deposit. He/we wouldn’t be able to save in line with house price growth (if it continues) so would probably be outpriced and end up stretching ourselves. But you are exactly right SG27, even if it were a few thousand to the deposit I would feel better. Although, I made it very very clear to him from the beginning he is responsible for his half of the fees. He has assured me he has this. But I have the emergency fund.


We do live together, we pay absolutely everything 50/50 and he definitely does his fair share around the house. Serious for more than a year, but a year ago was when we started thinking of purchasing together.

We both want to get out of renting, if we were to carry on as we are we would need to move (the house now is old, cold, damp and has an extinct water tank), and other similar but updated properties are nearly 200pcm more.

Moneyistooshorttomention – I had an accidental preganancy last year, which ultimately also ended in a miscarriage, I think this has had some psychological impact on us wanting to try again. Although we waited a year to do it. It is something we both want to happen, because life it too short and we don’t know what will happen next time round.


Our agreement is currently a 60/40 split of the house, with any increase in value shared as too. Thank you for suggesting a co-habitation agreement Pixie 5740, I will look into that. The house is empty (vendors have appeared to have come into money) and you are spot on moneyistooshorttomention, I could not purchase this house in my name only.

There are long term considerations to look at, he recently has had a payrise and so earns more than I do. My thoughts are to either:

Set up a joint savers where he only pays into, and we don’t touch once it reaches 10k that money becomes mine and we re-visit our deed of trust. Or overpay and when it comes to the fixed term ending, release some equity that becomes mine and again re-visit the DOT.

I take all of your comments on board, I will be taking to OH this evening. [FONT=&quot]I am a general worrier, and this just goes to prove it!
[/FONT]

happyandcontented

My thoughts are that if this is a forever relationship and you truly believe he has learned his lesson re debt, over spending etc, then doing the above (saying at point x it is mine) smacks of mistrust, control and revenge. I would draw a line under it, move forward and expect the best. Of course, if he does not save when he has the opportunity, and if you do not both see benefits from that then you may have to re think.

Love, trust, fidelity, respect, kindness,empathy are important in a relationship and none of them are measured in £. If you have that with him, then you are indeed richer in so many ways.