Dating someone who has less than you

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Meh. When I met the OH, I was in receipt of disability benefits and he had a reasonable job. He has a degree, I cobbled together a DipHE before the OU put their prices right up and took away access to tutorials and summer schools - I'm just not suited to sitting alone with a laptop with a bunch of books with no human interaction. He grew up in a nice home with a nice family. I grew up in a hovel with a batshit crazy & abusive old witch and have experienced abusive and controlling relationships.

I certainly didnt look that great on paper.

Since we got together, he's been very ill and lost his job and gone self employed. I've got a permanent job with scope for additional employment and some self employment. Because I'm a bit more gung-ho about trying things and talking to people socially, I've actually been able to help both of us find social and employment related opportunities - that networking thing, where a friend of a friend of a friend knows somebody who is looking for x, y or z. Whilst he was ill, all of those chances would have been missed. Moreover, whilst he was ill, he stayed here and that meant he was warm, safe, fed, clothed and had somebody around who actually gave a monkey's about him, irrespective of the amount of money in his pocket. So I think he has done rather well from dating somebody theoretically beneath him.

And I've benefitted from somebody who told me very early on that I was the smartest person he's ever met (which, considering he's the one who went to university and would hang out with philosophy students, mathematicians to debate theories for fun, is quite a compliment). I'm used to having to hide it - being smart was simply The Worst Thing a kid in my family could ever be. Well, that and being into music. One ex took it as a personal insult that I contributed to a conversation with his grandparents in a way that suggested I knew a fact about pre WWI European History. In one little throwaway compliment, he told me through his smile that he liked me just as I am.

Had either of us been shallow enough to take money, lack of a degree, nice family or anything other than personality into account, we wouldn't be living together now. But we do and he tells me that he's very, very happy. As am I. Ok, more money would be nice, but as long as there is money for rent, cat food, human food and the occasional beer, we'll be fine.



You can't put a value on knowing that somebody genuinely likes, loves, respects and fancies the pants off you. And looking at 'value' rather than the person means they'll never be happy. Because they'll be too afraid to take a chance and, even if somebody ticks all the boxes, they've then got the fear/anger/betrayal if they suddenly can't match up to expectations.

justme111

Jojo , if anything he has done better out of it then and if i were you I would been suspicious he seen me being savvy and woth a place to live as a source of support

missbiggles1

justme111 wrote: »

Jojo , if anything he has done better out of it then and if i were you I would been suspicious he seen me being savvy and woth a place to live as a source of support

I appreciate that you're not a native English speaker but I wonder whether you could clarify exactly what you're trying to say.

justme111

Thank you for your appreciation
Substitute "woth" for "with" - typing on the phone while walking results in typos . If it is still unclear to you - sorry can not help any further with explanation , it was light hearted throwaway remark not worth your or my time to be explained .

lynsayjane

I'm in my early 30's and own both my flat (now rented) and the house I live in. I have my own car, disposable income etc. I do have a degree but work in an unrelated field, at interviews I'm still asked about uni, it's the life skills that it brings that are as beneficial as the knowledge.

My last two relationships/dates (however you wish to class them) were with guys that had less than me. The first earned roughly what I did but had lived at with parents and wasn't a saver. When he lived with me I always got his digs but the saving never got started. I've no idea where the money disappeared to but not being able to take holidays etc did have an effect on us. When we agreed his digs it was very clear I would not accept money towards the mortgage, that was solely mine.
The second was back at his dads and working p/t and studying p/t which didn't put me off however in the end it was partly to blame for the end of the relationship though his attitude was the bigger factor. He would pressure me into staying at his dads which I found very uncomfortable and didn't understand/accept that staying at mine gave us more privacy and space. He didn't drive and I was used as a taxi, if I wanted to do anything I had to pay because he couldn't afford to.
Sadly that experience has made me more wary of dating someone with such a big difference. I'm not going to be asking for bank statements before accepting any dating invitations though.

With regards to those talking about marriage meaning an automatic sharing of assets. How terribly old fashioned! I think that attitude came in the days where the good lady may have a wee job for spending money and the husband owned everything!
Over the last 14 years I have worked my butt off, sacrificed so much and scrimped so hard to get what I have. Why on earth should someone walk into my life, sweep me off my feet and potentially leave with half of it? If the man I marry has more than me I have no intention on seeing him as a piggy bank or demanding half of what he had before he met me, why should I accept that from someone else?
The first relationship was headed down the route of long term and children (sadly his libido didn't see this in a monogamous way) and I was clear that if we were to get married I'd be asking for a pre-nup or some form of protection of assets. I stood to lose too much otherwise. And before any comments are made I have no intention of ever getting divorced, it's not something I believe in, but in some things you have to prepare for the worst.

missbiggles1

justme111 wrote: »

Thank you for your appreciation
Substitute "woth" for "with" - typing on the phone while walking results in typos . If it is still unclear to you - sorry can not help any further with explanation , it was light hearted throwaway remark not worth your or my time to be explained .

A very nasty and sarcastic "throwaway remark" - not surprised you're disowning it now.

missbiggles1

lynsayjane wrote: »

I'm in my early 30's and own both my flat (now rented) and the house I live in. I have my own car, disposable income etc. I do have a degree but work in an unrelated field, at interviews I'm still asked about uni, it's the life skills that it brings that are as beneficial as the knowledge.

My last two relationships/dates (however you wish to class them) were with guys that had less than me. The first earned roughly what I did but had lived at with parents and wasn't a saver. When he lived with me I always got his digs but the saving never got started. I've no idea where the money disappeared to but not being able to take holidays etc did have an effect on us. When we agreed his digs it was very clear I would not accept money towards the mortgage, that was solely mine.
The second was back at his dads and working p/t and studying p/t which didn't put me off however in the end it was partly to blame for the end of the relationship though his attitude was the bigger factor. He would pressure me into staying at his dads which I found very uncomfortable and didn't understand/accept that staying at mine gave us more privacy and space. He didn't drive and I was used as a taxi, if I wanted to do anything I had to pay because he couldn't afford to.
Sadly that experience has made me more wary of dating someone with such a big difference. I'm not going to be asking for bank statements before accepting any dating invitations though.

With regards to those talking about marriage meaning an automatic sharing of assets. How terribly old fashioned! I think that attitude came in the days where the good lady may have a wee job for spending money and the husband owned everything!
Over the last 14 years I have worked my butt off, sacrificed so much and scrimped so hard to get what I have. Why on earth should someone walk into my life, sweep me off my feet and potentially leave with half of it? If the man I marry has more than me I have no intention on seeing him as a piggy bank or demanding half of what he had before he met me, why should I accept that from someone else?
The first relationship was headed down the route of long term and children (sadly his libido didn't see this in a monogamous way) and I was clear that if we were to get married I'd be asking for a pre-nup or some form of protection of assets. I stood to lose too much otherwise. And before any comments are made I have no intention of ever getting divorced, it's not something I believe in, but in some things you have to prepare for the worst.

I'm sure we can all agree that marriage is obviously not for you, so I really wouldn't worry about divorce.;)

lynsayjane

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I'm sure we can all agree that marriage is obviously not for you, so I really wouldn't worry about divorce.;)

Excuse me? I'm not entirely sure you know me well enough to be so judgmental!

missbiggles1

lynsayjane wrote: »

Excuse me? I'm not entirely sure you know me well enough to be so judgmental!

Just based on what you've written.;)

lynsayjane

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Just based on what you've written.;)

Well I'm glad you're not the one deciding my fate.