I need some advice on an issue with my ex

Maureen43

As an aside, I'm not sure why so many people think that my recovery / moving on etc. has to include forgiveness.

I have moved on but I don't forgive either of them. It does not mean I am eaten up with bitterness however. I don't give them much thought. I think I can be a largely happy person without having forgiven everyone who has done me a wrong in life!

It's just seeing her in the car outside my house which gets me :mad:

splishsplash

amistupid wrote: »

Her husband committed adultery, the mistress was complicit in the act, that's why, unless the law has changed, she can, although it is frowned upon, be named and shamed in court.

Of course he's to blame but to suggest a mistress is completely innocent and 'owes nothing' to the aggrieved party is nonsense.

Really? What does the other woman owe the OP? She never even knew her! The other woman did NOT break up the OP's marriage, the ex-husband and only the ex-husband did that.

How this other woman behaved is between her and her conscience. In a way, she was only incidental to what happened to the OP. If it wasn't this other woman, it would have been another other woman. She doesn't really need a name - she was just the WMD set off by the ex to destroy the marriage.

However, you're missing my point.

My point is that the OP needs to find a way to move past this huge issue for her. She can despise the other woman for lacking common decency and behaving in a reprehensible manner, but three years on she shouldn't really feel 'her pulse racing' and need to say things like 'I HATE IT' when they call round.

This suggests that she is still held back by misdirected anger. That's a pity because she certainly doesn't deserve to feel insecure in her own house. She just needs to recognize that it's the ex she continues to have issues with, not the other woman.

Jagraf

Maureen43 wrote: »

My children are teenagers and so pick up quite a bit, but they have no idea how I feel about this. I'm proud about that.

I used I go out on the odd occasion my ex and his mrs picked up DD once she was old enough to be left in the house.

We are always amicable enough but I usually find it easier to be out than to pretend to be best friends with the man and woman who had an affair for years behind my back.

onlyroz

If she's sitting in car then she's hardly being forced on you is she? Perhaps there are practical reasons - e.g. maybe they travel to work together and only have one car, and it would require multiple trips back and forth to drop her off at home before collecting the kids.

I'm sure your feelings are raw but your ex is being as considerate as he can be by not pushing this woman right in your face. For the sake of the kids you need to remain as civil as you can even if it still hurts inside.

amistupid

splishsplash wrote: »

Really? What does the other woman owe the OP? She never even knew her!

We'll agree to disagree.

Whether she knew the OP or not is irrelevant. She knew she was knocking off a married man, she knew that having an affair with him could cause misery for his wife and her children.

You can protest her innocence but in my opinion he's a cheating scum-bag and she's not much better.

Jagraf

onlyroz wrote: »

If she's sitting in car then she's hardly being forced on you is she? Perhaps there are practical reasons - e.g. maybe they travel to work together and only have one car, and it would require multiple trips back and forth to drop her off at home before collecting the kids.

I'm sure your feelings are raw but your ex is being as considerate as he can be by not pushing this woman right in your face. For the sake of the kids you need to remain as civil as you can even if it still hurts inside.

I wouldn't say the ex is exactly being considerate, any further forward and she would be trespassing lol.

How far away do they live op, and do you think it is for practical reasons that she's with him in the car?

VfM4meplse

amistupid wrote: »

You can protest her innocence but in my opinion he's a cheating scum-bag and she's not much better.

Thats better.

You have to ask yourself what kind of a woman goes into such a relationship, someone with no standards, decency or taste in men. (Of course the same would apply with gender reversal of same-sex relationships, marriage is a commitment).

....you were married to your ex, OP?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I've been along with the OH as he dropped one of the kids off. Waiting a discreet distance away - I dont think it's nice to rock up to the front door. And, as long as they weren't actually at my door, I didn't give a monkey's that the girlfriend was present when mine were dropped off.

There are more important things to get upset over. And, total git though the OP's ex may have been (and may still be), I actually agree with him that it's not the OP's place to demand his partner is absent.

itsanne

splishsplash wrote: »

Nope. The OP needs to get her head round the fact that she was NOT betrayed by the other woman, she was not married to the other woman, she is owed nothing at all by the other woman.

Nothing.


The wrongdoing is entirely the ex-husband's, no-one else's.

It may be easier for the OP to deflect her hurt and anger onto the other woman, as unfortunately she must deal with the ex because they have children, but the sooner she understands that that is what she's doing, the better.

Whether or not the other woman knew the ex was married or not is immaterial. The ex knew he was married while he was shagging her, he knew he had children while he was shagging her and he chose to continue shagging her.

That the other woman was happy to land such a catch is a sad reflection on her self-esteem, but should really give rise to no stronger feelings than a mild contempt in the OP really.

It's the ex who is the traitor, no-one else.

If the OP had truly worked her way through all the hurt and betrayal this piece of work caused, she would see this. As the moment, she is blocked.

Think about it, OP. You should associate this other woman with feelings of relief if anything - you could be where she is now:eek:

I agree with most of what you say, both in this post and your later one, but not the part in bold. She is not as culpable as the ex, but I cannot agree with the viewpoint that the "other party", whether male or female, is completely blameless in any betrayal. Amistupid has said much of what I would have as to why so there's no point in simply repeating it, but I don't want him to appear a lone voice in attributing blame to the mistress as well as the ex.

Savvy_Sue

If the children are teenagers, are they able to meet their dad elsewhere or make their own way to his? As part of the 'introduction to independent living' strategy which they need.