I need some advice on an issue with my ex

Maureen43

Hi All

Background: I've been apart from my ex for three years now and we are divorced. He was always unfaithful and ultimately it transpired that he had a serious partner while we were still married, as well as numerous casual partners.

This caused me huge pain at the time which I have largely dealt with and moved on.

Fast forward to now. He is still with the serious partner. I've never met her but she is nice to my kids which is good. I am mentally sane (!!) and at peace with the past apart from one thing which gets my pulse racing every time...my ex sometimes brings her to my house when he is collecting/dropping off the children.

I don't know why that gets to me but it just does. My home is my castle, I feel safe here and I hate it when she comes! His compromise is to park on the road, not on my drive, but she is still there and I can see her and I HATE it.

I feel he should respect my feelings and not bring her here. He says I can't stop him and he'll do what he likes.

Opinions please!

M

Alchemilla

He is correct legally if not morally.

If you drop this as an issue (at least on the outside) don't you take back a lot of control? He clearly does not have respecting your feelings high on his agenda.

BitterAndTwisted

You can't change another person's behaviour, you can only change your response to it. Your ex is not willing to accept your view about bringing his current partner to collect his children from your home, so continuing to make a big deal of it will change absolutely nothing except to continue to cause you unhappiness.

It's patently obvious that you're not completely over the separation or it wouldn't upset you so much, so the only thing I can see you doing is to insist that he collects them from somewhere other than your home and be grateful that she's nice to your kids. She's not the one who betrayed you and she owes you nothing. If you need to be hurt and angry at anyone, it's him.

Carl31

Its not healthy for you to be in the situation you are in. If anything, he has actually done you a favour, as would you really want to be married to someone that shows you a lack of respect such as he did?

You dont know the circumstances around their relationship, she may not have known he was married, and if she did is it her that was wrong? or him? he was the married one

No point dwelling on the past, it will just eat you up. I believe that if you are truly happy now like you say you are, then you should be happy things went the way they did, else you wouldnt be where you are

of course, if you are not truly happy, thats another matter...

marleyboy

Once you have someone snuggled up to you on the sofa whenever he pops round, you might feel a little less off balance about it. Be thankful that he is still being amicable and sees his kids regularly.

If he was inviting her in to your home it would be a different matter, but parked on the road is doing nobody any harm.

missbiggles1

If she were actually coming into your house I could understand but if she's just sitting in the car on the road outside, your reaction is a bit OTT.

Brighton_belle

Maureen, don't beat yourself up over this:
you've done really well to get over most of the pain and devastation of what he did to you. This is just the last bit of niggle.
I do think it is human to feel something negative towards her, even though you are able to acknowledge she is good to your kids.
He's not going to budge clearly, other than he doesn't park on your drive (indeed that may even come from her - she might not feel comfortable with that) so you are going to need to find some way to let it go.
Think how odd it might be for your kids if he had to drop her off round the corner and then re pick her up after he has collected them so they could go on to where ever they are going.

Kaye1

I am not being facetious- just close the curtains. You are making a point and you don't have to look at her.
Thank goodness you escaped from your ex-OH!

whitewing

Perhaps she is coming with him as she doesn't trust him not to attempt to sleep with you again.

marisco_2

No amount of upset or anxiety about this is going to change the situation. This woman is not coming into your home, just sat outside quietly waiting to leave and to be good to your children whilst they are with her. See it as best for them to see their mum and dad being amicable and no tension felt about the woman that is going to be part of their lives. Whilst they are away make sure to forget about responsibilities and do something lovely for yourself.

MatyMoo

Personally I think it is a little odd that you do not want to meet someone that is spending quite a bit of time with your children :huh: