I need some advice on an issue with my ex

Mojisola

Maureen43 wrote: »

Background: I've been apart from my ex for three years now and we are divorced.

He was always unfaithful and ultimately it transpired that he had a serious partner while we were still married, as well as numerous casual partners.

He is still with the serious partner.

I don't know why that gets to me but it just does. My home is my castle, I feel safe here and I hate it when she comes! His compromise is to park on the road, not on my drive, but she is still there and I can see her and I HATE it.

Why have you 'got over' your ex's multiple betrayals but can't stand the knowledge that his partner of 3+ years is sitting across the road in a car?

There are probably going to be occasions in the future where you will have to be in the same room as her - get some counselling to sort out why you feel like you do and change.

You don't want to be one of those parents who makes their children decide whether to have you or their Dad and his partner at significant occasions in their lives.

victor2

Give him a cup of tea and chat with him about the children next time he comes and leaves her in the car. Make up some issue that "needs to be discussed" if necessary. Discuss it in a room out of view of the new partner sitting in the car. She'll either make excuses not to come and wait in the car in future, or suspect him of having a quickie with you... He'll get the grief either way.;)

Mojisola

victor2 wrote: »

Give him a cup of tea and chat with him about the children next time he comes and leaves her in the car. Make up some issue that "needs to be discussed" if necessary. Discuss it in a room out of view of the new partner sitting in the car. She'll either make excuses not to come and wait in the car in future, or suspect him of having a quickie with you... He'll get the grief either way.;)

What a childish, passive-aggressive way to behave!

Why shouldn't his partner come with him to pick up the children? They are a family unit when he has them - the OP needs to get used to it.

amistupid

MatyMoo wrote: »

Personally I think it is a little odd that you do not want to meet someone that is spending quite a bit of time with your children :huh:

Maureen has a right to feel as does. The woman had a long term affair with her husband, she probably knew he was married but carried on regardless and took an active part in all the deceit that caused Maureen so much pain.

If that is the case why on earth would she want anything to do with her. She may be good to Maureen's children but that doesn't mean Maureen has to be civil to her.

This is about forgiveness, if I were Maureen I'd not be turning the other cheek to the other woman and wouldn't want her anywhere near me.

Jagraf

MatyMoo wrote: »

Personally I think it is a little odd that you do not want to meet someone that is spending quite a bit of time with your children :huh:

I don't find it odd at all, given the circumstances.

bagpussbear

whitewing wrote: »

Perhaps she is coming with him as she doesn't trust him not to attempt to sleep with you again.

Agree with this. Maureen, rather than feel upset at the fact this woman is sitting in the car, I don't think you know the power you are now having over this woman, even though you don't realise it. In many ways you are having the 'last laugh' now.

This woman knows he cheated in his marriage, not only with her, but presumably she knows he was playing around with other women. She might have her man now, but she knows deep down that this guy might not be a keeper.

Hence sometimes she comes over, to keep and eye and assess things.

If you were feeling mischievous, next time she is in the car and he comes to pick up/drop off the kiddies, perhaps make a joke, and laugh loudly and happily with him (you don't have to mean it) - make it look like she might have something to worry about

Joking aside, let it go, for your own mental health. It's irrelevant in the scheme of things, and remember she has much more to worry about than you, and that's why she turns up! If you start to get wound up about it, turn your thoughts to that fact and hopefully you can have a chuckle to yourself.

Well done for getting through it, what must have been a terribly painful breakup.

nearlyrich

Same situation happened to a friend of mine she hated her ex bringing the woman he left her for when she was pregnant with child he was picking up or dropping off. I said to her one day she would not care either way and she didn't believe me until about 2 years ago when she rang me to say he had brought her and she didn't care anymore. Give it time and don't let him know it annoys you..

KxMx

We are all human and sometimes act irrationally. The key is to recognise you're being unreasonable and find a way to deal with it

For you this may be assessing whether you are truly over the hurt caused, or by taking back control by doing something like closing the curtains, or go to the opposite end of the house once you've seen the kids off.

There really is no reason your ex should stop bringing his partner along, and you mention he's already compromised so I think you need to look at your reaction here and decide if it's reasonable.

marisco_2

victor2 wrote: »

Give him a cup of tea and chat with him about the children next time he comes and leaves her in the car. Make up some issue that "needs to be discussed" if necessary. Discuss it in a room out of view of the new partner sitting in the car. She'll either make excuses not to come and wait in the car in future, or suspect him of having a quickie with you... He'll get the grief either way.;)

Good grief what an awful, spite filled suggestion. Why on earth would the OP lower herself to behave like this? Hopefully the mans partner would have trust in him and be level headed enough to not question him being delayed. There are innocent children in the middle of all of this, yet you see nothing wrong in attempting to cause unnecessary upset and problems amongst the adults that they love and depend upon!

theoretica

Sure you hate it, but I think the most practical thing to do about it would be to exercise your acting skills. Your home is your castle, but in the road she is outside the moat and portcullis.