Here we can all be heard for a little while

codemonkey

Penguin reply to WaS

That struck a chord with me WaS, especially the part about her parents fostering and no attention left for her because my upbringing was similar - my parents took in various family kids when they got too much for their parents to handle. My brother made a lot of poor choices and my parents cleaned up the mess over and over and there was never much left over for me. They were just doing their best but I slipped off the radar. I was bullied in school, miserable and felt invisible - I was like a ghost. If I dared to try to stand up for myself I was called selfish. Then one day, I locked myself in the bathroom with my dad's razor blades, holding one over my wrist. I sat there for an hour trying to work up the courage to do it. I couldn't. In my case I spent my teens and 20s dating men who treated me as second best because I didn't believe I was worth anymore. Rather ironically my siblings resent me even now because they think I got more than they did. I resent them because I feel their refusal to take responsibility for their own families damaged me. I could have been your friend so you sharing that makes me feel lucky that I didn't fracture that way. Sorry, didn't mean to make that all about me - selfish, you see.

It's very sad about your friend and I feel for her daughter who will always have to deal with the knowledge of what her mum did. Mental illness is so complex, even if it had been known, perhaps she couldn't have been saved anyway. Hugs for you WaS. You're a good friend.

End penguin

codemonkey

Also, I think it's lovely that you're celebrating her life. So many times people sweep it (and the person) under the rug because suicide is such a taboo. You'very chosen to celebrate who she was and what she gave you and that is a fitting tribute to her life.

Indie_Kid

Oh dear!

There's nothing wrong with my kidneys. I've just pulled something.

Needless to say, I felt rather silly after being told that. Very relieved though!

codemonkey

Indie_Kid wrote: »

Oh dear!

There's nothing wrong with my kidneys. I've just pulled something.

Needless to say, I felt rather silly after being told that. Very relieved though!

Well Indie, if you hadn't gone and it was your kidneys that would have bad. Better to be safe than sorry. I am glad your kidneys are ok. :j

Waves_and_Smiles

Penguin reply to Code

You aren't at all selfish and I am so sorry you went through that Code, but very glad that you are still with us. Sadly, your situation sounds similar to P's in that you had the same feelings of having to cope alone. It must have been very hard. I do think in P's case she was so quiet and reserved as a child that her parents just didn't notice her. At the same time her attempts to copy the foster children was a cry for help, her parents were so wrapped up in caring for them that they took all of their time. She grew up thinking she had to say that she was ill to have anyone care for her which was a pattern she followed into adulthood, it's what she learned as a child. Her parents weren't bad at all, that is the sad thing for everyone concerned. They were very loving and wanted to help other children who had such a bad life but it took up so much of their time that P was somehow forgotten.

I don't believe that anyone could have stopped her taking her own life. If she hadn't of done it then she would have later, she had planned it so well and had thought about it for weeks. In the letter she wrote to her daughter she said "Mummy is just very, very tired" and I think that was the truth.

She was very calm and seemed happy the last time I met her. She had come to terms with what she wanted to do and done all she could to cushion those left behind, she even made sure that her kitties had a home. It is sad for her daughter whom P really did love so much, she always told her mother that she wasn't a good parent and that her daughter would be better off with them. I wish she could have found another solution but she seemed at her peace with her decision and that helps me feel at peace with it too.

End penguin

codemonkey

Sadly, I think it's quite common in bigger or complicated families for the quieter children to get less attention as it all goes to the noisier, more difficult ones as it's assumed because the quieter ones aren't acting out or complaining, they must be OK. It'd be interesting to know how many go on to develop MH problems relating to that. I guess it's middle child syndrome, even if you're not strictly the middle child.

Waves_and_Smiles

It would be interesting to study that Code. P was described by her parents as a good, quiet and slightly odd child who had few friends and preferred to sit in her room reading. The children they fostered were those which were very hard to place because of behaviour issues so took up a lot of their time. I did consider telling them about P's fantasies because they had no idea how unwell she really was and were very confused about why she ended her life, but decided against it because what good would it have done? They didn't deserve to feel guilty and hurt that she had told everyone that they were dead, and they would have been left with that feeling for the rest of their lives. I have never regretted keeping what I knew to myself and I think P would have preferred it that way.

I have decided on a small chocolate gateaux for tonight after dinner. Only a small one because WaSp hates them so it will be all for me! It is a huge indulgence but it is what we used to share and is a celebration of our friendship so I think that I can get away with it just this once!

mellymoo74

i have a specialist
he deals with ms

Waves_and_Smiles

I really hope he can help you, Melly. Is that the first time MS had been mentioned?

mellymoo74

it is WaS.
I contacted PALS following my experience at the hospital and they have tracked down who I have been referred to so I obviously googled him he is an MS Specialist.

Have emailed the HA etc and told them that I am relapsing so I need to be left alone for the next few days.