Here we can all be heard for a little while

Pyxis

I've never been to pop or rock festival.

I've been to two open air rock concerts, Bob Dylan at Blackbush in 1977 I think, and Prince in Sweden in the late '80s. Didn't really enjoy either. It didn't help that I wasn't all that fussed about the artists........went because a boyfriend wanted to go........but I didn't like the crowds and the loos and the muck, and the crush to get out at the end was very long-drawn-out and a bit frightening, to be honest.

I much preferred rock concerts in theatres, but then, to be fair, they were artists that I particularly wanted to see because I liked their music a lot! And I could sit down!

heartbreak_star

Feeling a bit sad today.

PENGUIN:

Had another counselling appointment to continue dealing with self-esteem issues yesterday, and what came out of it was that when I untangle my brain a bit, my Mum had specific ideas of how she wanted a little girl to be (she was a little wisp of a thing and an only child) and Dad had 3 brothers and was always a lot more accepting of the fact I was/am very tomboyish. I always got the feeling Mum loved me but was confused by me not being a skinny little girly girl.

We also discovered a lot of dichotomies in my childhood - Mum would tell me off for being chubby but get annoyed if I didn't finish my dinner, and I wasn't allowed to do anything like climb ("you're too big for that! You'll break your ankle!"). However, Dad would have been happy for me to marry a rich bloke and Mum encouraged me to get a good job myself.

So I grew up with a lot of opposites to live up to and have ended up feeling like I always fall short of everything, and with some awful attitudes to food.

I really hope this lady can help. The group sessions didn't.

End penguin.

Sorry for being a whinge. I had a bath last night and went to bed pretty much straight after.

HBS x

jobbingmusician

HBS, it sounds to me as if you are uncovering some valuable things in your counselling, and going through a low patch which is part of your personal growth. When I was younger, a wise man used to say 'there is no growth without change' - 'all' you have to do (actually difficult, but it sounds as if you are making progress) is to change how you see yourself and the world. Remember that your goal is to be happy! (*reminds self of this as well*)

Pyxis

Yes, HBS, the fact that you are understanding the dichotomies that formed you means you are three-quarters of the way there! Realising the reasons for things is almost all the battle! :T

heartbreak_star

I certainly hope so. I'm so tired. And I don't want to push OH away because I hate myself.

I want to go back to bed. *sad*

HBS x

Georgiegirl256

PENGUIN reply to HBS

HBS, I can so relate in many ways. If you've ever read any of my posts about my parents, you'll see my relationship with them is pretty similar to yours. My Dad would build me up and my Mam would knock me down again. I too realised that's why a lot of the time I have poor self confidence and feel that people are judging me etc. I didn't have my Mam going on at me about my weight, I was stick thin back then, and I hated it. My Dad would tell me I had an athletic figure, my Mam could never bring herself to make any compliment what so ever to make me feel better. She sounds similar to yours in a way in that if I wasn't dressed all girly in a dress and in her eyes looking nice, then she wasn't happy. My Dad on the other hand used to do woodwork with me, taught me to ride my bike and encouraged me to do tomboy things, much to my Mam's horror! I sometimes wonder how my Mam and Dad ever got together, as they are such two different characters, and even though my Mam was a daddy's girl with her Dad, I know it didn't sit well that I was so much more like my Dad and his family (and their weird (ie laid back, easy going) ways) than her.

I think if I'd had two parents like my Dad, my confidence about myself would be a lot higher than it is. Here's an example of how my Dad would build my confidence and my Mam would knock it down. My Dad would always tell me I looked nice, always complimented me and even said I looked smart in a track suit! :rotfl: My Mam when I was a teenager upon hearing my boyfriend say to me that I was the most gorgeous girl ever (I'm obviously nowhere near of course, but it was what he was thinking at the time and a lovely thing to say!) said afterwards "don't be letting that go to your head, you're not gorgeous, you're pretty but you're not stunning". I went through a goth stage and she hated it. My Dad saw it for what it was, an expression of character and a phase I was going through. My Mam constantly put me down and was disgusted that I wasn't wearing a dress, and then if I did, I wore Docs with it!

Sorry that little rant went on for longer than I expected! I just wanted to let you know that in a lot of ways, I know where you're coming from. To be made to feel you're not good enough and not living up to your Mam's standards of what a girl/woman should be, and having to live with conflicting personalities, and how it does totally knock yourself confidence. I quite often feel that I've disappointed my Mam by not being the girly girl she so wanted. Infact she's more or less told me as such in the past.

So big hugs HBS! I hope these counselling sessions help and you manage to get what you need from them, and Pyxis is right (she offers great advice!) on your way there!

heartbreak_star

Thanks Georgie! I've just always felt there was "too much" of me for my Mum, in body, personality, voice, everything really.

I shall keep plodding on with the sessions...

HBS x

Georgiegirl256

Pyxis wrote: »

Country roads are the pits, and the most dangerous.

Tell me about it! We have so many really narrow ones round here, and it's a nightmare when you have to reverse to a passing point. I'm usually very good at reverse parking, but reversing down a country road in a straight line without ending up in a hedge seems nigh on impossible sometimes! I think it's the pressure of it! D finds the roads to where my Dad is at quite bad, so was relived when I showed him a different route back with much wider lanes.

Georgiegirl256

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Thanks Georgie! I've just always felt there was "too much" of me for my Mum, in body, personality, voice, everything really.

I shall keep plodding on with the sessions...

HBS x

It's a horrible feeling isn't it? If only they could see and realise what it does for people's self condidence. I hate wearing dresses and feel uncomfortable in them, and compliments don't sit well either, I hate anyone telling me I look nice, and I think a big part of that is the way my Mam made me feel when I was growing up and even now, like I'm not up to her standards.

If I had to physco analyse why my Mam is the way she is, I'd say it's because she never got any compliments of her Mam. My nana was harsh. She thought the sun shone out of my Mams three brothers, but my Mam could do no right.

Then again, you'd think that she would not want to repeat that with me, that she'd want to be the opposite and shower me with compliments when I was growing up, and build up my confidence? Going even deeper, maybe she doesn't know how or feel comfortable doing that, because she never got that off her Mam?

Anyhow, I'll shut up now! Good luck with the sessions!

sofarbehind

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Thanks Georgie! I've just always felt there was "too much" of me for my Mum, in body, personality, voice, everything really.

I shall keep plodding on with the sessions...

HBS x

I really relate to this HBS and it absolutely kills your self-esteem. Penguin! I decided to stop travelling the 200 mile journey to see my mother after she went on and on about how fat I was, dragging strangers at the caf! into it. I had put on a stone since I last saw here but I was only a size 10. I realised that after every visit I came away feeling like I'd been beaten up, feeling broken and worthless.


I still have issues with food and have never eaten normally. It's something I'd really like to sort out for good. I think you're being very brave and sensible addressing it properly. I need to pluck up the courage to do the same.