Should I bail my daughter out again?

lilybankrupt

I guess the big question is, what are her earnings and outgoings? If there's been a lot of non-essential spending then I would say no to a straight bail-out (but still help with advice, maybe a loan etc). But, if she's on minimum wage or less and has a lot of genuine living costs it's a much tougher call IMO.

BigAunty

My ex friend, when I first met her, was being bailed out of council tax bills by her family. Twenty years later, when our friendship ended over a financial conflict, she was in debt to a telecoms company and owed council tax which relatives were stepping in to cover.

For all her experience of debt, decades later her idea of dealing with debt was to not open her mail. For example, when she tired of her contract phone, she merely switched it off, cancelled the direct debit and didn't open any correspondance from them, then went crying to her friends and family when a debt management company got in touch with her.

Despite being in debt, she enjoyed long haul holidays every year (some paid for by a loan from a Credit Union) and an active social life.

Our argument arose when she said she was too poor to bring her spare room up to a better standard to get a lodger in that would help her with her household bills. She claimed to have spent her savings on her mortgage and was desparately upset about the prospect of repossession. I paid for a decorator to paint it and donated curtains, other people gave her furniture for it. 6 months later she still hadn't got a lodger in but she did have a long holiday to Asia which she said she deserved and was 'unmissable'.

That's the type of mentality and sense of entitlement that repeatedly indulging a debtor brings. They don't have a light bulb moment or wake up call about their issues because they simply transfer the responsibility onto other people.

BigAunty

On another note, I had a chat with a friend yesterday who is very upset at the behaviour from her sister and boyfriend towards her father who has allowed the couple to live with him.

He's on a pension while they are unemployed so get around £300 a week in JSA and child tax credits while their rent and council tax is paid for.

My friends feels her father is almost being held hostage (in a Stockholm syndrome kind of way as he doesn't feel exploited) as he lives up in the loft conversion while they have the run of the house.

Her sister is always claiming to be broke so the father pays virtually all the bills, buys the groceries, clothes for the children and is used as a free on demand taxi service so is probably subsidising them by much more than £100 a week.

Meanwhile, her sister posts pictures of her and her boyfriend enjoying meals out around town on Facebook - larder apparently empty but stuffing her face with Sushi in town. Also, they regularly order takeaways which they keep secret from the father by keeping an eye out for the delivery guy and intercepting him to pay before he gets to the door.

The couple said 6 months ago that they were planning to move out and get their own place but are not actually doing anything about it, unsurprisingly given that they are being subsidised.

So no LBM about living above their means, just a lack of conscience and a high degree of selfishness due to the Bank of Dad.

blammo

dillydilly wrote: »

ooh, rude, and harsh...
given only 30% of houses have a mortgage on them, that makes 70% owned outright, that's about 17m houses valued on average around £180k ? that's the real world, many people over 50 (and I'm guessing thats the age of people with a 23yr old daughter) are sitting on significant wealth, they need to stop buying their extravagant cars and holidays and pass it to the next generation. The 'I've worked hard all my life' defence doesn't wash, most of that wealth has come from house price appreciation

That may well be true but given that someone is asking for advice for a specific scenario and isn't trying to help out the country's entire population of under 30s it's pretty much irrelevant

klittlewood

It depends.

If she lives with you and you have the risk of bailiffs coming to your door then pay it off but only if you take any of her belongings that add up to that debt and sell them off/get rid of them so she knows exactly how it feels.

If she doesn't live with you then leave her to get on to it but help her with advice and budgeting. Suggest that she gives you a fraction of her money each month and you give her an allowance. She does need to learn to do this on her own at some point though and needs to realise what she could get in the long run if she wasn't to waste her money.

rubix_76

mwarby wrote: »

For £2k they're unlikely to bankrupt her... Might be worth letting bailiffs visit, just to let the reality sink in, yes it'll cost, but maybe worth it for future deterrent value ?

Sit Her down, give her advice on money management, if the result is she gets a poor credit history, then she will not be able to get into as much debt as before and maybe will teach her a lesson.

She is your daughter and it is your responsibility to teach her to be responsible, if she ignores your advice, she is an adult, let her deal with her own problems. You can't live thier life for them.

Tough love and all that.

jooleybooley

Look at the facts ... your daughter ran up debts and you bailed her out. Twice. Since then, she passed £500 into debt ... and didnt stop spending. That reached £1000. And still she didnt stop. £1500 ... and she carried on. Ok, at £2000 with goods unpaid for which she obviously has no intention of paying, people are going to come and get the goods back. Fine. That is what happens. But then telling someone with emotional ties to her, such as her mother, the bleakest bit at the end about bad men coming to take her things away is emotional blackmail - though only if she is expecting you to pay for the things she couldnt afford so she can keep them. Taking her to CAB to sort herself out, or standing with her holding her hand as support when the bailifs take her stuff away is all you should do right now to help her learn the lessons of life. And what if she was 27, or 35 ... or a 40 yr old spending money she doesnt have? When does it end? And how many times do you give her the money you worked hard to save ... save her .. or fuel her spending because she has a 'get out' clause of the bank of mum and dad? The simple lesson is that you don't spend more than you have. I talk from experience, and from raising a family into young adults so they learn this lesson. It is important. It will be life long. They may slip up once due to a unexpected hardship and I know I would help them, but if a pattern forms ... stop it. Stop it now!

wurley

If she knows you'll bail her out she wont act responsibly with her spending. Give advice - signpost her to a debt charity. Do not bail her out, you will not be helping her for the future.

People mostly take two routes when they hit a problem. The underdog (victim) route where they cry for help but do nothing themselves to find a solution to solve it. And the leader route where they take responsibility.

Eventually most people will take the leader route if forced to do so.:)

KirstyO

When I got into debt at a similar age to your daughter I refused to let my parents help. I knew it was my mess and that I had to deal with it. It's taken me 4 years since demands started dropping through the door but I am now debt free. It's a great feeling but my credit record damage will continue to punish me for 3 more years before all of the adverse stuff drops off. It's been a horrible lesson but one I needed. I'm never going to rack up big debts again.

In the last 6 months I've been granted a credit building barclaycard. Even though my limit is over 1k, I self impose a limit of £70 so that I can pay it off in full each month.

My next goal is a mortgage but I'm in no rush. I'd rather save for a bit longer, and find somewhere I really like with a decent deposit rather than scrape together just to get anywhere to call home.

aikon_2

I bailed my daughter out three times and it didn't help her or me at all. The final time I left her to it, which caused major arguments and her ending up sleeping on someone's settee for a bit but it made her realise that Mum's money tree wasn't the way to go. She's now 27, debt free and pays her bills before having fun.