is my husband hiding money?

Guest101

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Interesting comment.

Yes how dare he or she post an opinion that doesn't match yours?!

FBaby

BigAunty wrote: »

She is already isolated - she has no family nearby, no friends and a husband who talks down to her, plus she suffers from depression which can make a person feel lonely in a crowded place.

Moving to her own place may give her back some of the freedom, independence and decision making she craves. Equally, it could feel even lonelier and the decision making freedom she gets may just make the extra choices available too overwhelming.

However, her preference is to remain in the family home but I don't think it sounds like a cure for loneliness.

Totally agree. I should have been clearer. What I meant is that maybe looking at making friends should be her priority so that if she gets the strength to go, she will have some support then. If she does decide to stay, it will give her an escape route when things get particularly stressful.

BigAunty

FBaby wrote: »

Totally agree. I should have been clearer. What I meant is that maybe looking at making friends should be her priority so that if she gets the strength to go, she will have some support then. If she does decide to stay, it will give her an escape route when things get particularly stressful.

Good point.

Most of the posts have unsurprisingly been about benefits, budgets and relationships.

As she suffers from depression, and currently her treatment has been in effective, this is a big thing that colours her whole outlook, reduces her energy, saps decision making and so on.

She feels so worthless that she's unable to challenge inequality in her relationship, make friends or press the GP for better support.

Hopefully a trip back to the GP, speaking to the Samaritans and some of advice given on treating depression may help, as will perhaps the MIND website that gives advice on treatment and support.

http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/#.VV7nN0ZLXoc

Support groups

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/pages/depression-help-groups.aspx

Other helpful links

http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/depression.php

Perhaps tackling her depression is her first priority.

Morglin

Speaking as a wife, mum and granny (so def not a bloke!) I really don't think the OP should go charging out of this relationship at this point. :eek:

There are two separate issues here.

The finances - OP, you can go and get professional advice as to what you can claim. Make an appointment, on your own or with hubby, at the CAB or a local Welfare Rights (Google for your local one).

Your relationship - sit down with hubby and see what you both feel and how you see your marriage. Calmly. Then work out whether you can compromise and make each other happier, or whether counselling might help.

Perhaps you could learn to be more assertive with some counselling?

I think your GP can help with any referrals.

Being a lone Mum, with your kids, will be a huge struggle, particularly if you are feeling low at the moment.

Marriages can improve, although not always, with a bit of understanding and compromise. With four young kids to consider, it must be worth a shot, at least.

Children and money issues put marriages under huge strain, and many go through lacklustre times. Most improve as life starts to get a little less stressed, in later years.

But, I would certainly deal with one problem at a time, and not rush into any hasty decisions you may live to regret.

Get professional help and advice, is my view.

Good luck.

Lin

Peter333

BigAunty wrote: »

You are recommending the children witness a relationship devoid of affection, where their mother endures penury and is discouraged from employment and where the lying and lazy male dominates the decision making process?

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Hmmm, reading between the lines, she is very unhappy, and can't see a way out, and that is why she is staying. As you said, sometimes people find excuses to stay, because they are afraid to leave.

I think she would like things to change, and would like HIM to change: I don't think that will happen. And although I am not saying for sure that this is an emotionally abusive relationship, (because I don't know for sure,) it sure sounds like one in many ways, with the things the OP has been saying.

I don't want her to be one of those women I have known who stay in a dead marriage with an emotionally abusive husband til she is 55/60; and bitterly regret the 25 plus years she has wasted with her husband, who she realises, she has fallen out of love with many years ago. In fact in some cases, it's been so long since she loved him, that she wonders if she ever really loved him.

If I could thank these 2 posts 10 times I would. :T

The OP cannot continue to live this way, and be in the situation where she has to ask for a few pennies if she wants something to eat when they're out: it's humiliating and degrading. From what she says, her husband is treating her like a child.

It's easier said than done, and not always the best thing to just run away, BUT the OP cannot stay with this situation as it is.

She has made it very clear that she is unhappy, and that she probably wouldn't stay, were it not for the children, but I agree that we shouldn't be telling her to just run. I mean, it's possible that things could be fixed. Maybe she hasn't even told her husband how she feels about everything.

This couple definitely need counselling, and she needs to tell him how she feels. As I said, maybe he doesn't even know. Us men aren't always as perceptive as you ladies!

I seriously recommend couples counselling.

quidsy

I'd suggest she investigate what she can get if she were alone, document it all, the benefits, rent help etc then decide the best course of action.


If nothing else it will be a very helpful tool in refuting his claims of not helping or financially supporting the children if they split & may just encourage him to start acting in a more husbandly manner to his wife.

Mojisola

quidsy wrote: »

I'd suggest she investigate what she can get if she were alone, document it all, the benefits, rent help etc then decide the best course of action.

If nothing else it will be a very helpful tool in refuting his claims of not helping or financially supporting the children if they split & may just encourage him to start acting in a more husbandly manner to his wife.

Peter333 wrote: »

This couple definitely need counselling, and she needs to tell him how she feels.

quidsy's advice is good because it could empower the OP. What comes over in her posts is that she feel trapped and weak. Knowing that, if he refused to alter the way they are living, she could leave will change the dynamics of the relationship.

It wouldn't be easy to do and would be very hard work as a single parent but, knowing that she has another option to staying will strengthen her position. If he realises that he may lose his family, maybe he will agree to couple counselling. If he won't, there's very little can be done - it takes two people to mend a relationship.

pickledonionspaceraider

BigAunty wrote: »

You are recommending the children witness a relationship devoid of affection, where their mother endures penury and is discouraged from employment and where the lying and lazy male dominates the decision making process?

penury
noun
the state of being very poor; extreme poverty.


lazy
adjective
unwilling to work or use energy.

Given the info we have been given by the OP, I think the use of these terms is overly dramatic.

gamergame

You can't live off £14 a month! That's ridiculous! You should talk to him, he is your husband. Maybe he can help you more in some way.

pickledonionspaceraider

gamergame wrote: »

You can't live off £14 a month! That's ridiculous! You should talk to him, he is your husband. Maybe he can help you more in some way.

You can't count it as LIVING OFF £14 when all bills and food are already paid for, excess money is £14