is my husband hiding money?

Mister_aaa

Guest101 wrote: »

Yes because that's how the legal system works.

I'll pop round yours and change the locks and your house becomes my house.

...Moron....

Ok, i'll bite and attempt to word it better for the benefit of Guest101.

I believe you would be better off without this man in your life.

I believe that he is starting to control you financially, which is a very bad sign, and a precursor to domestic abuse.

You mention that you are afraid he would see a call to the Samaritans on your phone bill, does he go through those too?

Do you not recognise these signs as being very iffy?

RuthnJasper

mumof4littleguys wrote: »

Yes my husband does socialise. He also does football coaching on a Thursday night and currently is doing a course at uni at weekends.
My family moved away years ago and actually im not really sure why ive never established any friendships. No opportunity to? Maybe because im a loser.

You are not a loser. Your defences and self-esteem are low, so you feel that you might be. But you are NOT a loser.

I went to an Occupational Therapy appointment on Tuesday (I have serious depression-related issues, but generally able to manage them well enough to get by these days, after a hard slog since 2001) and she recommended an online support tool called Moodgym (https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/). It's Australia-based, and was developed and is run by professional, well-qualified psychiatrists. I've had a look and it seems excellent so far. It's free to use; you have to create a user account to use the site but it IS anonymous. If you can't face the thought of talking to or seeing anyone, this might help you.

And - again - you are not a loser.

pickledonionspaceraider

In my opinion, Guest101 is the only poster talking any sense on here.

It amazes me how the 'single parent on benefits' lifestyle is being idealised and the abuse bandwagon jumped on due to the small amount of info given about the lifestyle of two strangers. I wonder if folk giving this ''advice'' have tried to raise four children whilst isolated and on benefits??!!

OP If you are considering hurting yourself, you do honestly need to get help. Now. Concentrate on your kids, this stuff, this is their childhood, and they will remember this

fierystormcloud

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

In my opinion, Guest101 is the only poster talking any sense on here.

It amazes me how the 'single parent on benefits' lifestyle is being idealised and the abuse bandwagon jumped on due to the small amount of info given about the lifestyle of two strangers. I wonder if folk giving this ''advice'' have tried to raise four children whilst isolated and on benefits??!!

OP If you are considering hurting yourself, you do honestly need to get help. Now. Concentrate on your kids, this stuff, this is their childhood, and they will remember this

Interesting comment.

BigAunty

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

OP If you are considering hurting yourself, you do honestly need to get help. Now. Concentrate on your kids, this stuff, this is their childhood, and they will remember this

You are recommending the children witness a relationship devoid of affection, where their mother endures penury and is discouraged from employment and where the lying and lazy male dominates the decision making process?

fierystormcloud

BigAunty wrote: »

You are recommending the children witness a relationship devoid of affection, where their mother endures penury and is discouraged from employment and where the lying and lazy male dominates the decision making process?

:T Summed it up in one.

This is not the dark ages.

Woman having to live this kind of life, should be consigned to the history books.

I don't think one woman living like this could ever be happy, and would be full of regrets in her twilight years.

Trust me, I have known a number of women live this way; in the distant past, and also in the more recent past. It never ends well, and they are NEVER happy.

Not until they leave the man, OR the man changes his ways, and treats his wife with the respect she deserves.

BigAunty

fierystormcloud wrote: »

:T Summed it up in one.

This is not the dark ages.

Woman having to live this kind of life, should be consigned to the history books.

I don't think one woman living like this could ever be happy, and would be full of regrets in her twilight years.

Trust me, I have known a number of women live this way; in the distant past, and also in the more recent past. It never ends well, and they are NEVER happy.

.

Well the OP has indicated she is going to grit her teeth and bear it for the sake of the children, and perhaps also because she has no financial means or appetite for the changes that comes with separation.

We should respect her choice, even if we don't agree with it. We don't walk in her shoes. She loves her partner and her partner may love her even though he doesn't seem he's showing masses of understanding and respect. It's not necessarily an abusive relationship anyway, perhaps just a tired one that is coasting along.

The notion that she can't financially afford to leave is a convenient excuse as there are numerous ways to fund a deposit, anything from a loan to rent deposit guarantee scheme or borrowing from family or working full time and putting escape money aside.

However, she sounds exhausted and it wouldn't be easy whatever route (not least because landlords don't like offering tenancies to HB claimants). It would be one hurdle after another, even without the additional obstacle of mental illness which colours everything.

It can't have been easy for her to hear such contrary opinions and advice. I kind of wish both sides weren't so strident. It's clear from her earlier posts that she's feeling very low.

fierystormcloud

BigAunty wrote: »

Well the OP has indicated she is going to grit her teeth and bear it for the sake of the children, and perhaps also because she has no financial means or appetite for the changes that comes with separation.

We should respect her choice, even if we don't agree with it. We don't walk in her shoes. She loves her partner and her partner may love her even though he doesn't seem he's showing masses of understanding and respect. It's not necessarily an abusive relationship anyway, perhaps just a tired one that is coasting along.

The notion that she can't financially afford to leave is a convenient excuse as there are numerous ways to fund a deposit, anything from a loan to rent deposit guarantee scheme or borrowing from family or working full time and putting escape money aside.

However, she sounds exhausted and it wouldn't be easy whatever route (not least because landlords don't like offering tenancies to HB claimants). It would be one hurdle after another, even without the additional obstacle of mental illness which colours everything.

It can't have been easy for her to hear such contrary opinions and advice.

Hmmm, reading between the lines, she is very unhappy, and can't see a way out, and that is why she is staying. As you said, sometimes people find excuses to stay, because they are afraid to leave.

I think she would like things to change, and would like HIM to change: I don't think that will happen. And although I am not saying for sure that this is an emotionally abusive relationship, (because I don't know for sure,) it sure sounds like one in many ways, with the things the OP has been saying.

I don't want her to be one of those women I have known who stay in a dead marriage with an emotionally abusive husband til she is 55/60; and bitterly regret the 25 plus years she has wasted with her husband, who she realises, she has fallen out of love with many years ago. In fact in some cases, it's been so long since she loved him, that she wonders if she ever really loved him.

LannieDuck

mumof4littleguys wrote: »

He said he will not pay towards childcare atall. I wouldn't be able to afford it on my own. Id be working to pay someone else to look after my kids.

I'm really curious about this.

If you were both working full time, why would care of the children be your sole responsibility? Surely it should be a shared household expense?

Is it a cultural/religious thing? Does he assume he'd still be earning more than you and therefore you'd still have to deal with the other jobs? Or is it just a 'women's role' (and him abdicating responsibility for it actually has nothing to do with how much he works)?

(I hope you don't mind all the questions, but i think it's important for how he views your role in this relationship.)

FBaby

Once again, another thread that evolves to you are badly abused, run away asap etc... by strangers who have so little information on the situation.

OP did start a thread because she was miserable with her life, she started a thread on benefits trying to understand why she was getting less tax credits.

Like most of us, I have no idea of the circumstances of her situation, and certainly don't know what is best for her. The only advice I would give OP is to go and speak with professionals, and don't rush into anything. It is not crisis point and whatever she should do that will impact the rest of her life should be done planning, not as a reaction to what strangers have said on the public forum.

I do wish you good luck OP and whatever you do, remember not to isolate yourself. I can imagine what raising 4 children must be like, but no-one should be alone when facing difficult times.